Husband Out Of Town - Feeling Abandoned

[Magnoliagal]

This is so stupid. I hate PTSD. We're coming up on our 21st anniversary and we have 3 kids together. And I feel like I'm going crazy.

He had to go out of town for 2 weeks for work but then his mom got sick so he had to leave again. I'm not sure when he will be back (she's dying). She's not that nice and we aren't close. My husband is obviously busy with family stuff and I'm depressed. I feel like he cares more about them than me, that he jumps through hoops for them but it's like pulling teeth to get a call or a text letting me know what's going on.

I'm doing the "fake it till you make it" strategy so that I don't come across to him as some total nutjob. Hello his mom is DYING. Of course she comes before me right now. Which part of that don't I understand?

I'm however feeling abandoned, unloved, and depressed. He calls every night (late) and that holds me over for a while and then I lose it.

Can anyone relate? Any advice for dealing with this. School is out and so I'm isolated. I have no friends, I'm estranged from my family and so being alone is only making this worse. :(

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi Magnoliagal, I am so sad that you are so alone. I am sorry he has been gone for so long. I am glad he calls you everynight. Yeah, you need to keep it together while he goes through this experience. I am sorry you are having such a rough time right now. I imagine your feelings are hurt. I know how hard that can be. You sound like you are triggered. Do you go to therapy for yourself as his supporter?

The feelings of abandonment come from some place deep inside of you. I do not know what you are dealing with as regards to that experience. We are vastly limited in what kind of help we cqn provide.

I know you are lonely and it sounds like you are isolated and things are just getting to you and you mabe need to vent and rant. If it would make you feel better go ahead and get it off of your chest.

It is so hard to feel lonely. I am really glad he at least calls you once a day. I think that is good. Does he usually need alot of space from you, can you ask him to call you more than once a day or would that be pushing the situation?

My heart goes out to you. It sounds like you have your heart and hands full right now, You sound like you cannot take anymore and are ready to go crazy. I hope you get it out here instead of off on him. Good luck in what ever you decide. I am wishing you the best. Hugs if you take them.

 

[Magnoliagal]

I think I posted in the wrong forum.

I'm the one with PTSD. He's fine. I'm the one that struggles with being left.

 

[maddog]

Hi Magnoliagal. Oh, I absolutely understand the enormous, irrational, overwhelming fear of abandonment and how neverending it can feel. I also understand the guilt for knowing that you "shouldn't" be feeling that way and that your fears have no basis in reality. Yes, you know that your husband is away for legitimate reasons, and yes, he still calls regularly, but no, that doesn't help you to feel better. But yes, it's ok to feel that way, and to admit to it, and to know that you are not alone, or crazy, or nasty/ungrateful, or any of the other things that you perhaps feel.

Chronic fear of abandonment by those I care about is one of my most frequently triggered emotional flashbacks, and is one I'm struggling hard with right now. All I know to do to combat it is to remind myself of all the supporting evidence that the person hasn't abandoned me, to hang onto the meaningful contacts I do have and to try to savour them, to gently but firmly invalidate my baseless fears of abandonment as carefully as i can, and, in your case, to keep counting down to his return and perhaps planning something special for you both to do when he does come back, something that can act as a little welcome home/thinking of you gesture for him, and a congratulations/I made it gesture for you.
I do truly understand how upsetting and alone this can feel. Hang in there. He's coming home to you, just as soon as he can, keep holding onto that knowledge every day until it becomes reality.

Maddog

 

[Deleted member 12723]

OHHHHHHHHHHHHH no wonder you are going crazy. I get it now. I am so very sorry. Well go ahead and vent. Take all the time you need to get it out of you.