I’m scared

[Theverytiredgirl]

I’m scared rn. I woke up scared, I think I’m scared of the depths of the pain I feel. Sry I’m kinda baked rn, and it definitely didn’t help. I just want to shut it all off, make myself not care, not be so emotional. If anyone has seen the vampire diaries- I want to turn off my humanity lol. I need to change my life. I WANT to, but I’m scared. I really need someone to talk too.

 

[Ronin]

Scared is okay. :hug:

Who do you need to talk to, like, what do you need to hear?

Change is difficult. No wonder you are scared of it.

 

[Theverytiredgirl]

It’s funny I usually post here in moments of desperation, I don’t know what I need to hear, I’ve been just like allowing the moment to happen and not fighting my feelings- but then every once in a while it feels like I’m in so much sadness that I think it will kill me. But I’m inevitably alive, unless I do something stupid it will NEVER kill me. I’m grieving the loss of some relationships rn, and desperately wanting them back. My therapist told me that I dissacociate kind of to cope with negative emotions, and I’m not doing that anymore and now anything I feel feels a lot more intense, and occasionally I just wanna check out, like right now. My whole life after age nine I’ve been numbing out with food, starving myself, cutting, drinking, and honestly I do feel like I was kind of forced into that, I would make myself dimmer to be more palatable for others. I guess I’m just going to keep telling myself that feelings are okay, crying is okay, and you will find ppl who get you.

 

[bellbird]

I guess I’m just going to keep telling myself that feelings are okay, crying is okay, and you will find ppl who get you.

If it helps, I believe that these words you wrote are very very true.
Feelings are ok.
Crying is ok.

And you will find people who get you.
I felt for a long time that no one "got" me.
No one that I know in Real Life has been through what I have. And then one night I stumbled upon this wonderful place, and found a whole lot of people who got me, without even having to try.
That's what makes this place so special. None of us have the exact same experiences, but many of us share aspects of our experience and through those similarities we bond and help one another to become better versions of ourselves.

Real Life support is important too, though. It's good to hear you've got a therapist. Is there anyone else you usually reach out to when you feel this way?

 

[Theverytiredgirl]

I literally lost all the ppl I cared about, so that is genuinely upsetting. I lost them in such stupid ways, and not all my fault, but I’m at fault at least 50 percent. No I’m quite alone rn, which was my comfort zone, but isn’t anymore, hence gotta change some stuff. I’m like in a shame spiral, ashamed of my life, wanting to change it, being terrified of changing it. The shame is holding me back, and the fact that I can’t fix the relationships I was talking about is driving me crazy and I can’t seem to let it go. Maybe this is me letting go, oh idk. Thank you for responding, just knowing someone in the world knows this means something.

 

[Ronin]

Two to tango, if that did not work out, it did not, and you will find people who not only get you and get things, but support you in a myriad of other ways.

Maybe even bringing so much more into your life, seeing you for you, helping you grow and heal in ways you did not even know can happen.

That meantime and waiting and voids can be maddening as hell, but they are a bridge, one time of your life to another, one sets of people and experience shared with them, to another.

It is okay to grieve, and miss, and want, and wish, and dream... while moving forward, with what is lost. Okay... and difficult as hell. But doable.

 

[Theverytiredgirl]

That. Was. So. Wise. So this was actually exactly what I needed to hear, wow. Thank you, you don’t even know

 

[clayjars]

I get you. You are not alone in your struggles. To be human isn't easy. To be human is to feel and to express that feeling in ways that are unique to each one of us. It is to want to love, and to be loved. It is to hear and to be heard. It is to know and to be known. We are made to be in relationships with one another in such a way, so we long for this from deep in our hearts. But sadly, as each one of us know too well, our relationships are plagued with brokenness. We crave to be known, yet we are terrified to be known. We want to express what we think and feel, yet we are paralyzed by the fear of being judged. So, we try to hide in the shadows, but we hurt because we are not meant to live in the shadows.

I'm glad to hear that you have a therapist by your side. It think it's important that we have support from others who cares for us. For me, I had support from my small group in the church. Over the years, as I learned about God and about myself, I learned to be more open and honest. The small group loved and encouraged me to be myself, to share the struggles I had. I had so many deep issues especially with trust, it took a very long time heal and many times I thought I could never change. Realizing the truth about the lies had believed in, and the love and support of those in my life helped me helped me to continue taking the tiny little steps towards the light until one day, many, countless small steps later, I found myself out of the shadows.

I know you are hurting, but I just wanted to let you know that there is hope :)

Blessings,

 

[Theverytiredgirl]

I get you. You are not alone in your struggles. To be human isn't easy. To be human is to feel and to express that feeling in ways that are unique to each one of us. It is to want to love, and to be loved. It is to hear and to be heard. It is to know and to be known. We are made to be in relationships with one another in such a way, so we long for this from deep in our hearts. But sadly, as each one of us know too well, our relationships are plagued with brokenness. We crave to be known, yet we are terrified to be known. We want to express what we think and feel, yet we are paralyzed by the fear of being judged. So, we try to hide in the shadows, but we hurt because we are not meant to live in the shadows.

I'm glad to hear that you have a therapist by your side. It think it's important that we have support from others who cares for us. For me, I had support from my small group in the church. Over the years, as I learned about God and about myself, I learned to be more open and honest. The small group loved and encouraged me to be myself, to share the struggles I had. I had so many deep issues especially with trust, it took a very long time heal and many times I thought I could never change. Realizing the truth about the lies had believed in, and the love and support of those in my life helped me helped me to continue taking the tiny little steps towards the light until one day, many, countless small steps later, I found myself out of the shadows.

I know you are hurting, but I just wanted to let you know that there is hope :)

Blessings,

I’m truly envious that you found so much comfort in religion, it’s tainted for me, I literally got thrown out of Sunday school when I was 13, I think it’s hilarious now, but oh man that’s a whole nother story. The thing is I used to find a lot of peace in prayer, just me and god, I don’t think I’m a fan of organized religion, but it’s just not the same anymore, I just don’t feel god if that makes sense. Thank you so much for the kind response, and I think you totally got what I was trying to express.

 

[clayjars]

@Theverytiredgirl, I do get you, even when you say you're not a fan of organized religion. This may sound odd, but neither am I! Lol. I didn't want religion. I grew up in a church but I was plagued with deep issues that religion didn't touch. I started on a journey to find the real God. Learning about God, I learned about myself and the more I learned about myself, I saw the lies I had been believing in for so many years. It took me on a very long path towards healing from the many deep issues I was struggling with. There were lots of times I didn't feel God & that's when I had to learn to trust... I didn't have anything to lose, you know? If God isn't there, what's there to lose? But if there is, then I gain it all :) Well, that was kinda my reasoning back then. And I'm so glad that I didn't give up.

I hope you are doing better these days? How are you?

 

[Theverytiredgirl]

@Theverytiredgirl, I do get you, even when you say you're not a fan of organized religion. This may sound odd, but neither am I! Lol. I didn't want religion. I grew up in a church but I was plagued with deep issues that religion didn't touch. I started on a journey to find the real God. Learning about God, I learned about myself and the more I learned about myself, I saw the lies I had been believing in for so many years. It took me on a very long path towards healing from the many deep issues I was struggling with. There were lots of times I didn't feel God & that's when I had to learn to trust... I didn't have anything to lose, you know? If God isn't there, what's there to lose? But if there is, then I gain it all :) Well, that was kinda my reasoning back then. And I'm so glad that I didn't give up.

I hope you are doing better these days? How are you?

I’m better and not, I’m feeling much more stable and less like I’m about to burst into tears at any given moment. I’m still in that weird change state though, I don’t know if you’ve ever been there, where you want to change everything about your life, but it seems like you’re not making any progress. The very dark period and the aha moment is over, and now I’m kinda lost. I made up with my sister, and it was a situation where I really had to put my pride AND my belief that I was right aside and just simply say how I felt, and say I was sorry, I had to be vulnerable, which is my biggest issue besides trust, maybe even the bigger issue. I don’t know if I mentioned it but I had reacted badly and pushed ppl out of my life because I was hurt and depressed. My best friend didn’t respond, which was very sad, but I said what I had to and that’s all I could do, and even though it broke my heart that she didn’t respond I’m still glad I did it. Life wise, my pain gets worse in winter, my depression gets worse, so I’m not getting out as much, but I have plans for the future again even if they are constantly changing lol, I wanna get my life moving again, at a different pace since my body can’t handle much, but I wanna find a way to live in spite of it. Thank you so much for the sweet reply, I think I may have become more spiritual lately, the awareness of something vast outside of what just is, I think of it more as inspiration I guess