I Am A Spouse...

[Jesshens1125]

Hi, my name is Jessica, and i just found this website today with encourgment from a friend.

My husband is a US Infantry Marine who served one 8 months tour in Afghanistan and was diagnosed with PTSD this past october after he tried to take him own life. We have been battleing this illness since then, some days better than others.

What lead me here, is that I feel completely alone in this battle as his wife. I feel like i am the only person in the world who is dealing with this life, with the hopelessness, with the horrible unhappiness. I sometimes lose site of the fact that he has a diease causeing him to be this way, that it isnt just him. I am just looking for someone, anyone who is suriviing this, and who can guide me, talk to me, help me get through this life that we now have.

I really look forward to talking to other wives of military men, or men with PTSD in general. Please contact me!

 

[CCurry]

Hi Jessica,

I'm so sorry that you're going through this and I can relate to how you are feeling right now. My partner was diagnosed with severe ptsd after too many years in the Special Forces and right now he's in rough shape. I go through days that I have tons of hope and to be honest I've many days were I feel exactly what you said hopeless.

Is your hubby in therapy at all? I found getting mine there was a big job and as much you can lead a horse to water you can't make him drink so being receptive to therapy is very very important.

 

[Jesshens1125]

Hi CCurry! Thank you for replying

My husband was in theraphy after he was first diagnosed. After he tried to kill himself he spent 2 weeks in the hospital, upon being released back to his military base he began to see a doctor regularly and that was going well. He refused to take all medications, but he was doing really well, he was doing alot of research and work into PTSD and trying to understand. More recently, in the last few months, he hasnt gone to theraphy as much, he tells me that his doctor cancels his appointments, but I am starting to think that he is canceling them, or that there is something going on with his meeting with her that he isnt sharing with me, or things that he isnt sharing with her. Either way he hasnt been to theraphy in over a month and it shows. His temperment and progress seems to be going backwards and that is part of what is most frusterating. I cant seem to make him happy ever. I have suggested that he start taking meds for awhile to help out. but I almot feel like he wants to be miserible. I forget that he is suffering from PTSD and that is what causing this, i tend to get caught up in it all and thing he is just a mesirible person now. Part of me wants to walk away from our marriage, but... deep down i dont, I want to find my husband again... thats why I am here... i just need guidence as to what to do now, and to hear that it is possible to move on through other wives stories...

 

[Llama]

As someone who has said the same thing to my spouse, I feel pretty confident in saying that your husbands therapist is not cancelling his appointments. Most therapists that deal with PTSD sufferers are very aware that to cancel an appointment can set the therapy back a lot. We with PTSD suffer a lot of trust issues, and if we feel betrayed by someone, especially someone that we're as emotionally vulnerable to as our therapist, then we'll clam up.

That said, I think that it is very important to not make him feel guilty about not going. You may want to call and find out if he has been making appointments at all, and approach him once you've found out, but do it in a supportive manner. Let him know you aren't mad and that you understand it can be very difficult, and just try to make it as easy for him to go as possible. Offer to go with him and wait in the waiting room until he's done maybe.

It's so very important to get therapy, but it can be so hard for us to go. I think that as a man it would even be harder because of the way society looks down at guys for being emotional.

 

[CCurry]

Hi Jessica,

There are some parts of what you said I can relate to. Initially when mine was going regularly he was doing better but he hadn't been for 2 weeks (kept making work excuses) and so when he went this past Wednesday the therapist noticed how much he's backslid and I for sure have noticed. I know mine has said in the past that he's quite happy wallowing in his ptsd and now he's saying he is ready to face it but time will really tell because like I said he had cancelled a few sessions and went 2 weeks without an appointment. It's tiring, I don't want to leave either because I know what a great man he really is but at the same time they really have to want to get better. I *think* mine is there but time will tell for sure.

Now that you've found this site, you should really spend a lot of time reading about ptsd. Anthony wrote some great articles, I particularly like "Understanding PTSD" because it's geared to us the carers.

If you like you can PM me anytime.

 

[Jesshens1125]

How do you do it? How do you make it through each day with someone who has PTSD? thats my question... How do you remain sane, and find some kind of happiness? I feel like i am at the end of my rope... How do i find more rope?

 

[CCurry]

You're going to have to look at getting your own support, you can find it here but I strongly suggest you get your own therapist. I've started going a few weeks ago, it doesn't change my situation but it helps me unload and cope. If you feel like you're giving too much, it's probably because you are but don't worry many of us have done the same (me included) take a step back and see what Jessica has to do to take care of Jessica. Honestly because you can only control you.

If he decides that he doesn't want to go therapy then he'll cancel. To some extent that is common for ptsd sufferers but one month of cancelling that is not good. I think Llama makes good points about how to handle that though.

 

[avictor]

I have PTSD and I will tel you how my spouse gets through it. He has his office and I never go in there.

Ok you seem to be asking how to help him.

First it sounds like he has developed agoraphobia. He is lying about his shrink canceling the appts I think you should give him an ultimatum take meds or you leave. He will need that extra help right now.

You should not have to get PTSD yourself by dealing with someone with PTSD - especially since he is not doing ALL he can to get himself better.

If I didn't go to my shrink appts once a week and work tirelessly to get the right med combo I wouldn't balme my husband if he wanted to leave me.

Think of it like both your legs don't work so your hubby has to do everythign for you. BUT they could work, a chance for a cure, at least eventualy if you went to the doctors once a week. If you refused to go once a week wouldn't you expect it fair for him to leave you?

 

[Nicolette]

Welcome to the forum Jessica.

I have just changed you to a full member so feel free to come down into the Carer's section where you may get help with all you questions. I recommend that you read the 'sticky' threads at the top of each sub-section as they hold good information which may be helpful to you.

 

[ISupportHer]

From one carer to another!

Welcome!

ISH

 

[angelsinmyheart]

Hi Jessica,

I am new to this forum (just registered tonight!) and I was reading through all of the threads trying to figure out a way to introduce myself. When I read your thread I almost felt like I was reading about myself. My boyfriend is a (now retired) US Infantry Marine. He completed one 8 month tour in Iraq and was diagnosed with TBI and PTSD 4 months later after he tried to take his own life.

It has been 2 years since his diagnosis and therapy has helped him so much. In the very beginning he was extremely violent and his short temper got him in a lot of trouble. However, now his attitude is completely changed and he is much closer to how he was before Iraq. He will never be the person he was before he deployed, but it reassures me to see the progress that he has made.

I think it helps that I know the majority of his triggers, so we can usually avoid situations that might set him off. I witnessed one of his episodes not too long ago though, and it was one of the scariest times for me. Its situations like that when I remember that he has PTSD and I feel completely helpless.

For the longest time I felt like I was alone in this. I thought that no one understood what I was going through with my boyfriend. My friends did not support my relationship at all and the support network of military wives/fiances/girlfriends that I had while he was enlisted suddenly disappeared when he was retired.

I'm happy that I found this site and I'm hoping to find support and also support others whose loved ones are newly diagnosed.

 

[LoveMyHubby]

Also Spouse

My husband has ptsd from his army experiences.

We've been married for 5 years and it has not been fun. He wasn't in the army when I met him.

I didn't know it then but he was abusing drugs and alcohol. I realized after I was pregnant. I was definitely in love with him, never met anyone like him, but I didn't know he was covering up horrible memories and guilt from a war 10 years earlier.

As my last resort, we moved to his home state (8 hrs away from mine) to "start over". That's when I started believing in God(for real)! That's how I got through the next two years.

Then I went to work one day and got a phone call from him to go home and get his court papers(he was supposed to go to court with his ex wife for child support he wasn't paying before he met me) and bring them to the hospital where he was. He took himself there and they diagnosed him with PTSD that day and put him in a 4 week substance abuse program before they could treat him for ptsd. I was just happy he was getting help for the substances, had no clue about PTSD yet.

After a wonderful month he went into a 3 week ptsd program at the hospital. It was such a wonderful breakthrough! That year was the best year we were together. He was sober and on the right meds and getting counseling.

Then I learned about anniversary dates. Every September is the worst. He was being drowned by his feelings of guilt and everything else and it hasn't been so good any more.

Last year he went back into the hospital for a 6 week ptsd program and he came out worse. The counselors said they arehaving him back sometime in the next 5 years.

I have grown so much from being with my husband. He is a wonderful man with horrible memories and I just do my best to help him get through the day just a little bit happy. I have put my heart and soul into our happiness!

He gets frustrated and curses at the smallest things. It gets old and I need help too!

:smile: