I Am Going Into Battle Today ... By Sending Out A Bunch Of E-mails

[marylouise]

I am in the midst of processing the hardest traumas of my life. I once wrote: "he tied me down in childhood, when I first began to stretch my growing arms." My abuser worked to systematically destroy my self efficacy and erode my accomplishments right when I was on the brink of leaving him. I avoided accomplishment and leadership since. I feel threatened inside by anything that feels like being recognized.

I've worked hard in therapy. Two years ago I took over leadership of a group I'd been involved with for eight years. It's a small group that meets in people's homes, but I love this group and what it stands for. I'm proud of what I've accomplished with it since I became its organizer. Sometimes, things go seamlessly. Other times, anxiety looms and lurks as I manage the tasks related to organizing. I've gotten through it so far.

This week has been hard; I've been experiencing body memories all week. I have been struggling to send out e-mails related to organizing this group since last Sunday. The anxiety is enormous, though I'm grateful I'm not dissociated. I have to at least begin sending out these e-mails today, or the group will be in jeopardy.

I feel like I'm going into battle. It feels like I am calling up every moment I've ever spent validating myself to do this. I swear sending out these e-mails is going to be one of the hardest things I've ever done, though it may seem so small to anyone else. My therapist would suggest focusing on other times I've successfully sent out the e-mails, on how that feels, on getting the positive responses back, so I'm going to do that. That and bribe myself with a walk and a steamed milk at the coffee shop once I've at least started.

Thanks to you all for being here. The best part is that I can report back once I've done it.

 

[HelenB]

I hope you managed to get the emails out OK. I often feel that it is crazy how much anxiety can come from things which to others may seem like such small things, but am so glad you are able to recognise why it is so hard and why it is such a battle and hope that being able to use the techniques your therapist would suggest has helped you.

God Bless
Helen

 

[marylouise]

Well, I put the e-mail together and sent out 10% of them so far. The problem with getting so anxious about something like this is that it's exhausting. I feel like I should be able to finish tomorrow or Tuesday at the latest.

I'm still anxious. But also relieved.

Thank-you all. It means a lot to me to have discovered this site where other people struggle with these kinds of issues too. Makes me feel less crazy and alone.

 

[Britt.f7]

I hope that it was successful. Take a deep breath. You can do this. It can be done. That is how I feel about leaving the house at times. It is not easy. I wish you well!

 

[marylouise]

Britt, I feel that way about leaving the house sometimes too. : )