I Am Living With My Abuser..

[AzureWaves]

Hello, this is my first post on PTSD forum. I wanted to share a little bit about my PTSD and see if anyone has fresh advice or has been in a similar situation.

Basically my parents should not have bred at all. My mother is (and has been for the past 30 years) a drug addict that also prostitutes her body to get drugs. When I was young she abandoned me and left me with my dad. He wasn't fit or mature enough (even at the age of 40) to properly take care of me.

We lived with my grandma who paid all the bills and everything. My dad was supposed to buy food and fix things at the house in return, which most of the time didn't get done. Well, basically I was raised with a brutal father who would come home from work and take ALL his rage out on me.From as long as I remember I would dread him getting home or being around at all because he just acted so crazy.

He'd often be fine then something, even just a yawn would SET him off and make him punch me, drag me by my hair, spit in my face, lock me in my room for days at a time with no food, water, or maybe too much information.. place to use the restroom. If the socks got left on the floor or even dirty underwear (as a young child, mind you) WELL they would go in my mouth and I'd have to keep them there for a set time. If I got a bad grade he'd take something heavy, often my clarinet in it's case and make me bend my knees and put my arms straight out then PUT the clarinet on the top of my forearms. He'd make me hold the position and if I let go, cried, or shook a lot due to the pressure he'd think up more horrible tortures.

Anyway, my grandma was in the home for it all and she did nothing. I told my aunt and she did nothing. I told the school and all they did was call my dad in to talk to them and he denied it and said I am just a child with a vivid imagination and I dont know what I'm talking about. NO one was there to help me!My dad would take me by the hair and THROW me down the stairs and my gma would just yell at me more and ask my why I have to upset my dad so much =[.

Anyway, this went on for about 16 years. I never really tried to fight back until then. He was standing over me punching me and hitting me with things when I kicked my dad in the balls. After that I put locks on my door, he kept trying to bust them down but he just gave up and then.. after at we barely ever spoke of the abuse. I'd bring it up but he would just ignore me or say it never happened.

Now I am 23. My grandma left me the house, so it's mine free and clear. BUT my dad still lives here. I dont have money right now and he pays the bills. But at the same time he is still abusing me, emotionally. He bosses me around, refuses to listen to any rules, and is just overall mean to me. I just dont understand how after all of those years of abuse I could even stand to look at him let alone have him in the same house as me.

Well, my question is.. Is it possible to heal from PTSD due to child abuse if the offender is still around and in your life?

Every time I talk to him when I'm done I get shaky and cry. I have flash backs. and I also realized that I feel like not a soul in the world loves me or cares. All I ever wanted was to be free from him and go to a loving home.

Quite frankly I feel like a broken person. I dont really have friends. I have a lot of people that reach out to me, but I can't seem to KEEP friends. I make plans and get too nervous and flake out at the last minute. So I don't have much of a support system.. therefore I am venting to you guys and I really hope someone took the time to read cause it would be good to get some replies. I just need to know what to do. I know it's obvious I should kick him out.. but I feel almost crippled by this and I dont know HOW I'm going to pay for anything. I have applied for disability but got denied after a 3 year long wait. I feel like I am losing hope in ever feeling whole or happy.

..and now I feel like all I've done is complain for this whole post. But I hope someone on here can maybe help me a little. Thank you for reading..

 

[AzureWaves]

Another thing I'd like to add...

My dad will not admit to any of the abuse and has never ever said he's sorry for it. He acts like I had a privileged childhood.. he doesn't realize how abused and neglected I was.

 

[Red Feather]

Dear Azurewaves, thank you for sharing your story here and being so courageous. My heart really goes out to you. You are making an effort and looking for ways to get support. The situation you are in now is incredibly difficult. You should now that nothing that has happened is your fault. Nothing.

I know that is really scary to be dependant on someone because of the bills. I have been there myself and had to go homeless. This was not my choice but I was forced to, and then I decided that I could never return. This is my opinion, and I hope you take this only as my opinion and consider your best options. For me, staying in an abusive situation is going to definetely hinder you in finding healing. Staying where you are now is really dangerous for you physically and mentally. If he is not abusing you physically anymore, it is still not an option to be living with him.

I do not think it is always a good idea to act rashly. When I was suddenly without a home, it was also real hard for me. I am also a bit triggered myself but really hope and pray you find the right support to help you in your situation. I am sure others on the forum will give you good advice. It is a great place to find support and the people are real caring. Thank you again for showing your courage and looking for help.

 

[Malia]

AzureWaves, you are incredibly brave and strong! I had a similar situation for awhile and I would highly recommend finding some way to get as far away from your abuser as you can! It's not surprising that he won't admit to being an abuser in the first place. I experienced the same thing with my abuser. I really don't think it's possible to heal while you're around this person. I'm honestly really scared for you and wish I could fix everything! Is there anywhere you can go or anything you can do?

Sometimes separating yourself from people close to you is nescessary just for self preservation. It's the hardest thing to do, but sooo important! I have several people in my family and outside of it that I've had to separate myself from. I felt really guilty at first, but now I would never go back!

 

[Ice_Fire]

I still see my abusive parents reguarly, I just can't imagine how tortorous it must be to be living with him. I simply couldn't do it. Seeing mine for a couple of hours a week has and continues to set back my healing. Its just another pretty major hurdle in the way.

I'm so sorry that financially you're a bit stuck. But I really hope you can find a way to escape. You deserve better.

 

[raulsgirl]

Get out and go to a battered womens shelter and get a permanent restraining order!!! You poor baby; i could just cry!!!

 

[Powder]

You did good by posting your story so clearly and getting it out. That takes guts.

I'm sorry your grandma passed away. I don't like that she didn't stand up for you though, but at least she left you, and not him, the house. I think she was a coward, like my mom and grandma, but at least she did something right and should get some credit for that. You deserved more, much more than mere stuff.

Have you thought about selling the house while you live elsewhere that is safe? If you can't pay the utility bills, then you are actually being burdened by the house.

It's yours do do with as you please. Maybe she left it to you so that you could sell it and have the money from that. She expected you to stand up for yourself; she wouldn't do it for you like she should. It's up to you now. I'd go out and confidentially speak with a lawyer and hire a good lawyer or realtor (from references) who could help you with the sale or property management company to rent it, agreeing only to pay them a percentage of the sale (3% or whatever is standard in your state). You can use the money to relocate where you can find work and a good therapist from complex trauma.

Whatever you decide, just remember to put yourself, your feelings, and your will 1st and foremost. It's all you. At the end of the day, it's all anyone has got.

Muse