I am weak and worthless because i have a tremor.

[bellbird]

I have essential tremor.
Phew. This is a hard one. Bare with me.

It's been a pretty strong core belief for 4+ years now, and was actually the main reason I started therapy (just a few months prior to my abusive relationship starting).

Still haven't been able to move past it.

A tremor is a symptom of a whole bunch of disorders/illnesses/physical&mental states

Fear? Anxiety? Hypoglycemia? Fatigue? Nervousness?
My brain just clumps them as weakness [in one aspect or another].

The worthlessness thing comes from how others have responded to me over time.
Humiliating me in front of others. Shaming. Laughing. Making me feel I should be able to control it. But I can.

I have a tremor.
ergo
I am weak.
and
I am worthless.

And I will never not be those things for as long as I have it.
Which, according to my neurologist, is forever.

ETA: obviously the "weakness" definition doesn't apply to people who have hypoglycemia et al, nor does "weakness and worthless" apply to others who have a tremor.
Only to me.
I know it's illogical.

 

[MrMoonlight]

:hug:

 

[Ronin]

Would it help you any to look at what it may mean as an advantage? Or, in the very least, how to turn it one if it isn't intrinsicly?

(I see one right there, reason to exit situations I am uncomfortable with socially with health as either observed or given as a reason.

Other being I might be likely to be aware how my sugar & temp are & meeting a multitude other related needs, not even starting on how you are checking with docs for what is going on... which means seeking a lot of care & regularly, also quite good / ruling out problems or catching them in time.)

(While we are at it, seeming afraid can be an advantage too... When you are assumed hell more scared than you are, or your body is at different than your thinking & character / you will fight the earliest your body allows.)

... So what is having a tremor good for? :)

 

[bellbird]

Ohh, @Ronin . Thank you.
I've never ever even thought about considering it as an advantage/ having advantageous facets.

I'm so consumed by its disadvantages; this world seems so built for those with steady <insert body part name>. I'm reminded of this everytime I try to put a key in a lock, missing several times, and eventually end up with two hands holding the key and all my effort focusing on it. Same for eftpos machines. Or having x-rays and my whole body starting to convulse with tremors because it's always worse whenever there's the necessity to be still.

... So what is having a tremor good for? :)

My old T would be massively applauding you for asking this, btw.
Gosh.
I'm not even sure I can come up with ideas.
Ok, trying...
I guess (very hesistantly) that it means if I appear nervous in conversation but don't want to disclose GAD/PTSD/mental illness that could generate tremor, I can acknowledge it as being my neurological disorder.
Then part of me says, well, we could do that if we didn't have a tremor and just pass it off as being cold.
Response to them: what if it's a stinking hot day. Also we're not the greatest at telling convincing lies IRL.

 

[Sideways]

Me and my sister both got the exact same tremor, particularly noticeable in our hands, as a side effect of lithium (I think it was lithium).

We both ended up with almost completely illegible handwriting as a result.

But, I spend a lot of time among people with seriously debilitating physical and mental illnesses (myself included). And as far as they go? A tremor is completely harmless. And maybe because I had my sister experiencing the exact same thing at the same time - we used to joke about it together.

There’s a shittonne of reasons why a person may have a tremor in their hands. When you go looking? It’s surprisingly common. Like - one selfie? Takes a dozen shots to get one that’s in focus, and that is totally something tonnes of people are going to relate to.

So for me, I used to laugh about it. Like, for real laugh out loud, when it was particularly bad. It makes me human. We aren’t FB stillshots, we are humans. We have hand tremors.

Next time one of those communal, everyone-in-the-office signs it cards come round? Notice how much shaky handwriting there is. Next time you’re getting a coffee - how steady are the barristas hands really!? And go into an old folks home there isn’t a steady hand in the whole place!

Can you maybe embrace the “this makes me human” side? I like to normalise stuff. Especially when it’s so super common that it is, in fact, pretty normal. The expression “surgeon’s hands” exists because a reliably steady hand is actually pretty unusual:)

 

[bellbird]

A tremor is completely harmless

Sure; in and of itself, it's "harmless". But it doesn't exist in isolation; the psychological effects from stuff like this:

Humiliating me in front of others. Shaming. Laughing. Making me feel I should be able to control it. B

Does and has harmed me.

Notice how much shaky handwriting there is. Next time you’re getting a coffee - how steady are the barristas hands really!?

Because this has been such a consuming thing for me over the last several years, I am so hyper aware of tremors that I already do this. In fact, I have a mental log book of sorts of the steadiness of people's hands. I couldn't tell you what they were wearing on a particular day but I can tell you how steady their hands are.

I mean I get it, surgeon's hands are rare. But those baristas? Can still be baristas. What I'd have given many times over to be actually able to do that job.

The amount of shit I've been on the receiving side of because of having a tremor, makes me feel that this isn't just "being human". Like others seem to be identifying this as something beyond that. And it seems everytime I go ahead and zone out from it, someone (IRL) is all to willing to bring me right back to it being an issue.

 

[Teasel]

Just found myself wondering if any of those that ridiculed you for this are particularly admirable people? Like I dont know, if you think of people you know and do admire and in your gut you know they're pretty wonderfully decent, did any of those people ridicule you for this?

 

[bellbird]

if you think of people you know and do admire and in your gut you know they're pretty wonderfully decent, did any of those people ridicule you for this?

Huh. No. None.

 

[knuckles]

I had to google "essential tremor" when I first read your post. I experience tremors in my hands/arms when under pressure - but it's only been around for a year or two I think (though seemingly occuring more and more often and getting stronger/more noticable). Quickly decidede that this is one of those things where reading about it does not aid me (too complex for me to get my head around, and so many variations/causes).
I'm sorry people have given you a hard time about this. Hopefully some of the responses here will help you find other ways to view your tremors. My hands/fingers have a tendency to go numb when it's cold, to the point where I can't pick up a pen or undo zippers. I have had to attach straps of cloth/small objects to my clothes in wintertime to make sure I didn't end up peeing myself. I can't say I understand your situation completely, but I think I do get the frustration to a certain point.
My brother has tremors as well, but I think his are due to his medicin - or at least exacerbated by his medicin. *Thinking about how it makes me feel to see his hands tremble when handing me a mug of tea or when delicately meassuring something when we bake together...* I don't think I have ever felt pity (it is what it is - his tremor and my own), but I do feel a tenderness towards him and... some sort of aching...?...pride...?... I see how he concentrates on his task and it is evident that he is trying very hard and really wants to do good (my brother is mentally handicapped - don't know if that's important to tell you, but it makes that last sentence seem less condescending to me). In regards to him and other people with tremors that I interact with; I think I view it as part of who they are - nothing to make them any better or any worse than any other human being. It's just part of the uniqueness that is you/me/other person.
Personally I haven't had any comments - and I'm not sure I am much concerned about receiving any. Though I have to admit that when having clearly visible tremors on my way to see my therapist (I bring my dog and at times the leash is jittery-jerky in my hands seemingly doing a very good job of making my body movements even more obvious), I have been thinking that other people might just think that I'm very cold - as the weather has been cold. Maybe my thinking will change as the weather gets warmer. For now I think I am comfortable with the "it is what it is" attitude.

 

[EveHarrington]

Have you watched “On Golden Pond” yet? :hug:

 

[blackemerald1]

The tremor part of your situation is probably not going to resolve. Idk what causes your tremor. Mine is permanent too. It has come and never left.

Bellbird... pick you fights carefully.... Save your energy. :hug:

I have a tremor.
ergo
I am weak.
and
I am worthless.

^This is where the fight belongs. If this is what you tell yourself then nobody has to tell you anything because you are betraying yourself. Try working on accepting it. It's not shameful.

Get rid of these 'other's' out of your life. Shame on them! They are ignorant. They will grow up one day. They are not worthy of your attention.

You are better and stronger than they will ever hope to be. Leave them to their little personalities. Focus on ppl who enhance your life my friend... remember you chose. :)