I don't want to be around others. We're so angry over recent events that I don't wish others to bear the burden. "We" have had few meaningful relationships over the years but all have failed. Because of me. Borderline will do that. So, screw it. Screw everything. My angry "part" took me to a spot thats quiet. Alone. But, probably not safe either. Because it's dark and desolate. I use to go walking in the woods at my grandparents house. I loved doing that. But she died in April. I took care of her in the hospital. I watched my loving gram die. But, I wouldn't take a moment back. I loved my gram. And I know she loved me more. With the upcoming holiday (thanksgiving) her absence will so sadly be missed.
Then comes the sexual assault of my child by a thing not even human. Then the whirlwind of past trauma of my own came flooding in beyond what I thought I couldn't handle. Well, I was but things got too complicated. The dx of what i can only talk about with my T. DID. After all these years, and a 9 yr relationship with my T, we've let them in some ways be revealed.
If that isn't enough to endure, Halloween night happened. And it will never be the same. You see, I hit a child with my car. Yup. Deemed total accident. Child ran out into a main rd. But I hold absolutely nothing against what the child did. It was Halloween. Supposed to be fun. She will never remember it differently nor will all the people and kids that witnessed it. I've heard she was treated and released the same night. I'm glad for that. But not to benefit me what so ever. Since then, I no longer go out during the day if I have to. I no longer will grocery shop etc. I feel like the most hated person ever despite my name not in the paper. The car has a dent and missing a section of the grill. I hate it. I want to get rid of it actually. And, my child goes to the same school. My life sucks. And I don't wish to bring many if at all into it. I will never forgive myself for what I've done to her. I am so angry at myself that I have no patience to tolerate others. Even my husband who has been there, but to a point. He is a trigger. Was before the "accident." I have accepted that he doesn't have the capacity/mental health knowledge to deal with"us." He doesn't know about the "us" anyway. He wouldn't know how to and I have to accept it. My mother told me three days after it happened "Time to move on." That sucked. Then my husband said the same. I won't use the rage we felt hearing that. Sure, I can just "shut off" the flashbacks, and the triggers and continue on. Its not working out well actually. I'm a ticking time bomb. Well, the bad part is. And when she is in full gear, she would love for someone to start something. Anything triggers her rage.
But, since I make double what my husband does, I don't get to "take a break." So everyday, we have been struggling with everything. What we would love most right now is to just be alone. To be in heartbreak and misery alone.
Then comes the sexual assault of my child by a thing not even human. Then the whirlwind of past trauma of my own came flooding in beyond what I thought I couldn't handle. Well, I was but things got too complicated. The dx of what i can only talk about with my T. DID. After all these years, and a 9 yr relationship with my T, we've let them in some ways be revealed.
If that isn't enough to endure, Halloween night happened. And it will never be the same. You see, I hit a child with my car. Yup. Deemed total accident. Child ran out into a main rd. But I hold absolutely nothing against what the child did. It was Halloween. Supposed to be fun. She will never remember it differently nor will all the people and kids that witnessed it. I've heard she was treated and released the same night. I'm glad for that. But not to benefit me what so ever. Since then, I no longer go out during the day if I have to. I no longer will grocery shop etc. I feel like the most hated person ever despite my name not in the paper. The car has a dent and missing a section of the grill. I hate it. I want to get rid of it actually. And, my child goes to the same school. My life sucks. And I don't wish to bring many if at all into it. I will never forgive myself for what I've done to her. I am so angry at myself that I have no patience to tolerate others. Even my husband who has been there, but to a point. He is a trigger. Was before the "accident." I have accepted that he doesn't have the capacity/mental health knowledge to deal with"us." He doesn't know about the "us" anyway. He wouldn't know how to and I have to accept it. My mother told me three days after it happened "Time to move on." That sucked. Then my husband said the same. I won't use the rage we felt hearing that. Sure, I can just "shut off" the flashbacks, and the triggers and continue on. Its not working out well actually. I'm a ticking time bomb. Well, the bad part is. And when she is in full gear, she would love for someone to start something. Anything triggers her rage.
But, since I make double what my husband does, I don't get to "take a break." So everyday, we have been struggling with everything. What we would love most right now is to just be alone. To be in heartbreak and misery alone.
