I can't cope anymore

[WorldWanderer]

I don't know if this is even the correct area to post in, but general seemed right and frankly i'm ranting.
Since i started therapy everything is worse. Before was bad, that's why i got help, but during is so much worse.
Trapped wanting to fix it, but not wanting to face it.
I go to sleep exhausted and either can't sleep, or wake up too many times each night covered i sweat, cold and shaking.
I'm disconnected more, Images and sounds diving in from nowhere.
I feel like by opening the door i've made it worse and i can't see a positive way forward, i feel like i'm gonna be numb forever

 

[Rose White]

@WorldWanderer welcome to the forum. Generally speaking, all that you’re feeling about it being worse and like you can’t close it back up again means you’re doing the work and you’re really brave to be doing it. Can take a while to feel better but if you stick with it you’ll likely experience relief of symptoms eventually.

 

[Friday]

Good trauma therapy things ALWAYS get worse, before they get better.

Bad trauma therapy, things stay the same. Or get worse and don’t get better, or get so much worse it kills you.

The best parallel I have is that trauma therapy is like physical therapy. It SUCKS and everything hurts (and I swear to freaking gawd physical therapists are sadists who want to use their super powers for good)… because OMFG everything is going to get soooooooo much worse… before it gets better. Assuming you have a badass physical therapist. Because a crap one? Will just injure you worse. But good ones? Make life amazing. Eventually. After everything sucks so much worse.


How to know if you have a good trauma therapist?


1. Are they actually a trauma therapist, or are they a McTherapist who has taken on your trauma case without any real understanding of trauma & trauma clients? ((Trauma therapists always have advanced training & certifcation in trauma focused modalities. Like TF-CBT, instead of CBT, EMDR, PET, SE, etc. That’s in addition to masters and doctoral level baselines… after which… they went on to specialize in trauma. Because those advanced trainings, only accept practitioners with masters level education & higher.))


2. Did you learn coping mechanisms, emotional monitoring & regulation, and stabilize yourself/your life BEFORE touching on your trauma (trauma therapy 101), or did they just dive on in, claiming talking about it will make you feel better? (That’s McTherapy, and 100% wrong with trauma clients).

 

[WorldWanderer]

@WorldWanderer welcome to the forum. Generally speaking, all that you’re feeling about it being worse and like you can’t close it back up again means you’re doing the work and you’re really brave to be doing it. Can take a while to feel better but if you stick with it you’ll likely experience relief of symptoms eventually.

I'm not feeling brave right now, but thank you, i really appreciate it

Good trauma therapy things ALWAYS get worse, before they get better.

Bad trauma therapy, things stay the same. 94 get worse and don’t get better, or get so much worse it kills you.

The best parallel I have is that trauma therapy is like physical therapy. It SUCKS and everything hurts (and I swear to freaking gawd physical therapists are sadists who want to use their super powers for good)… because OMFG everything is going to get soooooooo much worse… before it gets better. Assuming you have a badass physical therapist. Because a crap one? Will just injure you worse. But good ones? Make life amazing. Eventually. After everything sucks so much worse.


How to know if you have a good trauma therapist?


1. Are they actually a trauma therapist, or are they a McTherapist who has taken on your trauma case without any real understanding of trauma & trauma clients? ((Trauma therapists always have advanced training & certifcation in trauma focused modalities. Like TF-CBT, instead of CBT, EMDR, PET, SE, etc. That’s in addition to masters and doctoral level baselines… after which… they went on to specialize in trauma. Because those advanced trainings, only accept practitioners with masters level education & higher.


2. Did you learn coping mechanisms, emotional monitoring & regulation, and stabilize yourself/your life BEFORE touching on your trauma (trauma therapy 101), or did they just dive on in, claiming talking about it will make you feel better? (That’s McTherapy, and 100% wrong with trauma clients).

My first T was cold, does that make sense? The T i have now is fantastic, alot more in tune and aware, in our first session they were noticing signs i was wandering off before i was! I'm really comfortable with them and have been more open with them about this than anyone before, it's the first time i've talked about any of this without sensoring what i say. I have a confidence with them that if the sh*t hits the fan in a session they're right there, and i'm always reminded of that.
We worked for a long time on grounding and regulation before diving in, and even when diving in, it's been slow and steady.
It's comforting to know it's going to get worse before it gets better, i was told that it would, maybe i didn't take that warning seriously enough. I think i just get to a point when it's late and i'm on my own where everything starts to boil over and i forget everything i've learned so far to get past how i'm feeling and calm down, and then i end up venting in here

 

[arfie]

a recurring question i have had in the decades since i jumped this gnarly hurdle is, "does awareness of a toxic leak make the leak worse or am i just more aware of the damages? during the years i was repressing awareness of the emotional leakage, the leaks were running unchecked and getting worse for the neglect. yes, the end of denial was/is painful, but so is wallowing in toxic ooze while i call it okay.

it was a painful hurdle to jump, but i am glad i stuck with it and got 'er done.

 

[WorldWanderer]

a recurring question i have had in the decades since i jumped this gnarly hurdle is, "does awareness of a toxic leak make the leak worse or am i just more aware of the damages? during the years i was repressing awareness of the emotional leakage, the leaks were running unchecked and getting worse for the neglect. yes, the end of denial was/is painful, but so is wallowing in toxic ooze while i call it okay.

it was a painful hurdle to jump, but i am glad i stuck with it and got 'er done.

That makes a lot of sense, thank you. I feel silly for being nieve. I started this journey thinking "it can't get any worse" and then as I'm becoming more aware of things I realise just how much deeper it goes

 

[arfie]

I feel silly for being nieve

are you saying, "silly" like it is a bad thing? an ability to have a gentle, compassionate laugh at myself might be the most powerful healing agent i have found yet. ditto for naivete. my naive spots are where i find my learning/healing opportunities.

 

[WorldWanderer]

are you saying, "silly" like it is a bad thing? an ability to have a gentle, compassionate laugh at myself might be the most powerful healing agent i have found yet. ditto for naivete. my naive spots are where i find my learning/healing opportunities.

No, sorry, i hope i didn't cause any offence. I mean i feel a bit of an idiot. You're right about those little moments. I had a marketing call from altzheimers (spellng?) society uk today because i have done stuff to raise money for them in the past, but their number came up on my screen as spam, so i answered but didn't say anything, waiting to see if it was one of these robo calls or a scam, i ended up listening to around 10 seconds of the guy having a sing / hum to himself, and he sounded really happy. He was embarrased when he realised i was connected on the call, but i ended up thanking him for the moment because it was the brightest i've felt in a long time. Sometimes the little moments are a really positive thing

 

[arfie]

No, sorry, i hope i didn't cause any offence. I mean i feel a bit of an idiot.

no offense, whatsoever and even less need to apologize. "idiot" is another one of those words i have come to embrace as a good thing. to quote albert einstein, "there is a fine line between genius and idiocy."

Sometimes the little moments are a really positive thing

more and more, i believe those little moments are ALWAYS the thing. when i can embrace the little moments, i can find rays of sunshine on the bleakest of days.

 

[WorldWanderer]

no offense, whatsoever and even less need to apologize. "idiot" is another one of those words i have come to embrace as a good thing. to quote albert einstein, "there is a fine line between genius and idiocy."

more and more, i believe those little moments are ALWAYS the thing. when i can embrace the little moments, i can find rays of sunshine on the bleakest of days.

That's made me smile and is really inspiring, thank you :)

 

[Freddyt]

That's made me smile and is really inspiring, thank you :)

....and that's what this place is about. We all have it, we all get it.

On a serious note, the stuff that is the best here is learning to cope with everyday. Someone here told me that dealing with the everyday was my stuff. They were 100% right. You can have very effective therapy and still live your life once you lean to make your everyday better.