I Don't Even Know What To Do...

[Saralyn0704]

My partner has, yet again, decided she can't do this [relationship] anymore and that I have to understand that, but honestly, the whole thing just feels like a convenient double standard where she gets to set the rules to follow but ignore them without consequence. I'm supposed to be "all in & committed" but she gets a free card to give up whenever? I hate this! I understand that she is having a hard time and that it has been hard for the last 2+ years because she didn't know what she was getting into by dating me. I was just recently diagnosed with PTSD, so there was no ability to self-disclose in the beginning. My bullshit kept coming out in my trust issues, inability to get close to her and feel vulnerable & low self-esteem/confidence. Probably other ways too, just not thinking well right now. I lied to her multiple times feeling like I was "protecting" her rather than to just come out and say what I was feeling. I ignored an OK Cupid profile (dating website) that I had made previous to our relationship rather than deleting it. Some of the pics were questionable, though nothing from my shoulders down was shown. I had also answered multiple questions regarding sex and had left the profile saying I was single. I just stopped going on the site once we were together and did the ostrich in the sand thing instead. She was hurt because of the pics and questions and that I was getting propositioned for sex because of those reasons. I know now that I was reaching out for love in the only way I knew (sexual attention) due to my childhood sexual abuse and was pushing my self-destructive promiscuous behavior by validating it as "ok" and "why not?" I understand that she is hurt & resentful and didn't understand why I was doing all of these hurtful behaviors. I, myself, am just understanding the tip of the iceberg. It just feels very discouraging that once I am doing my work, I have no support or understanding or love. If I do, it's only for a few hours until our rollecoasterntakes the next down hill. If anyone can relate, please post. I am so frustrated I want to cry and I literally don't know what is right anymore.

 

[Friday]

None of us know what we're getting into by dating anyone. And we all have a free pass to leave the relationship whenever we realize it's not for us. Either now, or long term.

If you choose to take her back after she leaves? (Again, it sounds like). That's your choice, not your responsibility. You don't have to take her back just because you were the one she was having problems with. Of course you were the one she was having problems with! She was dating you! We don't leave the person we're dating because we're having problems with a neighbor. We leave the person we're with because of problems with the you+me combo thing*. It's not like, well you put me through all this stuff, so you have to take me back! Um. No.

* Do people break up with others because of totally unrelated &/or silly reasons? Of course. All the time. That would be the "me" part of the you+me combo. And it still doesn't obligate the other person to take them back.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

She doesn't deserve you in my opinion. I would not waste my time on her - I just don't think it's worth it. I am in a similar situation except it's me who is the burden and my long suffering gf the one who would be better just getting rid of me.

 

[Saralyn0704]

I understand she has a free pass to leave whenever she would like to should she feel that was necessary, it's just very frustrating that it feels like "me & my PTSD" are to blame for everything wrong with our relationship while she's the white garmented saint that didn't do anything. She's free to feel how she wants to, but I just wish she would take some responsibility too instead of constantly trying to pin all of the shit onto me. I recognize I have issues, I contributed negatively on my part, etc, but it would be great if I could just get some of the same....

 

[Saralyn0704]

Why do you feel like a burden? I know I do, but that I am not the only one contributing. It takes two to tango, remember?

 

[Deleted member 29920]

I am a burden because not only do I have ptsd, I also have an eating disorder which means I am housebound alot of the time. I feel I am wasting her time. She deserves better, she really does. And I think you do too.

 

[shimmerz]

she's the white garmented saint that didn't do anything

I totally get this. If you get this vibe off of her, I wouldn't play with her. I have had people try to pull this on me. It is like you are always trying to keep up with their 'finer than best character'. Blech.....

 

[Gadgie]

Nobody is a burden, as long as they have someone who loves them and is committed to take care if their partner, the word burden should never come into it.

My late wife one apologised to me for being a burden, but I told that if I didn't want to care and look after her, then I wouldn't be there.

It takes a lot to care for someone, but if you love them you never notice it.

 

[Stickler]

...My ex condemned, in me, a lot of the things she was too embarrassed to admit were things she needed to look at as well?
Since I was the "identified patient," most problems in the relationship were down to my brain cooties, stubbornness, and refusal to do things the right way...HER way.
Uh...rear view mirror says my ex was as full of shit as a Christmas turkey in certain respects...
Not all of them, no...I tended to repress anger, then realize I was mad and pick fights out of the blue...not good..though eventually I just got totally suicidal because nothing I wanted was too little to be bulldozed...

Anyway...you KNOW what to do.
Your ex needs to stay your ex, because she is playing a nasty little power game with you by dumping you and then returning.
It is designed to erode you, to make you feel cruddy, to give her power.
Do you want to live with someone who plays those sort of head games?
NO!

Get as far away from her toxic butt as your feet can take you!

Edited to add: she tells you it is all your fault.
Right now you know it isn't.
IF. You are unwise enough to stay around and listen to her long enough, she'll brainwash you into believing what she says.
...Been there, done that. Seen it happen to others, too. It's creepy.

 

[Stickler]

@Cj77
Your GF finds you worth staying...
I get that it's really hard to just accept that the people who love us and care for us are not suffering from a severe psychiatric condition ;).
Consider that the worth she sees is actually there, that she has a better angle to see it from than you.
...I know, really weird idea...

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Thanks @Stickler, I hope you're right

 

[Anarchy]

Hi @Cj77
I've acted on those sort of feelings, and took my crap out of her much more promising future, or so I thought.

She felt devastated and abandoned.

We had been engaged.

I've a thread about it from October 2014.