I Don't Even Know Where I Fit In Here On This Site

[Criss]

MY WORLD

Me in the center busily doing tedious things continuously cleaning, moving things around, ironing, washing, folding, putting away, cooking, sweeping, pacing. Lots of pacing. Up and down the hall (small house) looking at my girls, (4, 8, and 16), chewing my nails, sweep some more, check the supper, pace some more.

Thinking always thinking I should be doing this better, or that better. I could never be this or that. I should not be so selfish, who will love them? Who will take care of them? Scary part is now I am seeing who could, and already talked to 16 yr olds dad who says she is always welcome there, but also says I will be fine, suck it up.

So now back to pacing...pacing...skin crawling want to talk to H but he doesn't get it, tells me I need to get my crap together,okay, so I suck it up, pace some more.

Inside my head screams at me that this is yet another day that I screwed up somehow, someway.

Go to the hospital tell them that at times I am on the verge of mental collapse and want to drive into a guardrail or tree or off a steep incline. Nurse says well instead of doing that drive here then we can help, there again suck it up. Moving on, pacing pacing pacing, never good enough, never can do enough, never worth enough, now cant have intimate relationship with my H, what am I good for ??????

I pace, and I pace, and I think, and I pace. No peace within my head, no peace during the day, no peace at night when all I hear is my H sighing because he cant have his fix. So I pace in my head pacing, looking for an out, looking searching, failing yet again, pacing, pacing, pacing.

PEACE I long for PEACE, I look for it day and night every second of every minute, while I am busy, and while I am pacing looking for some sort of relief from this inner insane madness, pacing, pacing, pacing, tell myself suck it up, get your crap together. So I do for bit but always, always, always, always, always pacing.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)

I am sorry this is happening to you, that you feel this way. I do a lot of pacing too, and it seems to help me, most of the time.

Are you seeing a therapist? Or do you have anyone you can talk too? There is also forum dairies, I think you might like doing that, where you can write about everything that is causing you stress.

Take good care of yourself.

 

[evergreen]

Wow, sorry you are feeling so anxious. I can feel it just by reading your post.

Are you seeing a therapist or have you considered seeing one?

Have you considered antianxiety medications?

Have you tried yoga? Meditation?

I found a little nutritional supplement packet that helped calm me. It was actually called "Be Calm". It was mainly magnesium citrate. So I bought a bottle of magnesium citrate tablets, and it really does help in calmin the nervous system.

It seems some cogntive behavioral therapy could help. There is a book called "Feeling Good" that helps you get control of your thoughts.

I wish you the best and pray for some relaxation for you!

Oh--I just thought of this-- an accupuncture treatment or massage or even lavendar essential oils if you are uncomfortable being touched would be helpful. If you can experience a state of relaxation, you will know what to go back to when you feel so stressed. I assure you accupuncture and massage have helped me. There is also something called "Access Consciousness Bars" that I have had done that brought about supreme relaxation.

Again, well wishes to you.

 

[Criss]

Yes to meds, Xanax to help with immediate attacks, Klonopin also. Cymbalta is the latest attempt at controlling issues ... still ...

 

[evergreen]

It really sucks. You are not alone. You can make it through this. *hugs* Deep deep breaths...fill your lungs.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

(((Criss)))Please, do tell someone SOON, because you are thinking about a permanent fix to a temporary problem. This will not go away by itself. You have children! Choose to live for THEM if you can't for yourself. You don't want to ruin every memory they ever had of you and them? They would wonder for the rest of their lives' why you chose to abandon them in the worst way.

If you have to crawl, go to a mental health center or hospital. When you admit yourself, you can sign out if you choose. PLEASE don't give up on you and your kids. Things CAN get better!!! You are WORTH taking care of. There will be grandbabies some day!

Blessings to you,
AKJ

 

[Criss]

I love this site and feel so lucky to have found it ... I have read many posts and have actually made a "codeword' with my bestfriend ... I know I have a long road ahead of me and most of it is hills, but I do have on my climbing shoes and I am ready ... its just somedays I need a shove to get started :)

 

[heidi]

I'm sorry. I know it's just my personal opinion but I would have to say no to klonopin. It's always helpful in the beginning but by the end you find yourself needing to be off of it and it has to be done very slowly and the withdrawal can make your original symptoms worse.

Or I'm sorry... I totally misread. I thought you were considering taking klonopin. I didn't realize you already are on it. If you can use it occasionally without taken it daily.. maybe that's okay.

And I think mom guilt has to be a powerful force. I'm not a mom but I can just imagine the need to feel perfect if you are one.

 

[Kimpersonal]

Classic signs of complex trauma. It was tuesday this week when I felt almost exactly what you posted, Criss. I've felt like that on many occasions ... tuesday was only the most recent.

My hiking shoes are on again, too. We are all here walking our own difficult journeys ... but doing it with the encouragement and keen understanding of each other's posts.

You will be okay ... you will be okay ... you will be okay. Sometimes I FORCE myself to repeat this while I am pacing and coming out of my skin. Wrap your arms around yourself and give yourself the hug you need ... hug tight and love yourself as much as you possibly can muster!

 

[Criss]

Thank you so much for all the posts ... I am in panic mode and feel like I want to nap / but i cant and i am up and down from computer to kitchen to look for something to do / or what ever ... never stopping, never stopping ...
brain never stops firing

 

[Kimpersonal]

When you finally come down from this prolonged anxiety episode, you are going to be tired I expect, Criss. I bounce between hyper and exhaustion regularly. It is my abnormal "norm".

Wish I could hug ya ...