I Don't Know If We Should Be Together

[MCCS]

I'll start from the beginning, keeping in mind we both were sexually abused as children, I definitely have CPTSD or PTSD and he might have CPTSD or PTSD, but is undiagnosed.

I met him online and we talked for hours on end online and then on the phone for a week before we met in person. We even Skyped before hand. This was early December. He met my Mom who was aware I was going to his place for 2 nights if and only if him and I both felt comfortable in doing so. I get along so well with him that I did go to his house. He understands me, as a person with (C)PTSD and my history, he relates to me and is extremely supportive. We got into a relationship (I know everything happened so fast but I honestly really care about him as a person and it is mutual). He makes me laugh, encourages me to always be improving myself and a big thing I feel I actually trust him. I went to his place for 3 days the following week. I had an episode where I freeze and can't process my thoughts so don't communicate. He was pretty supportive through it but the following day we discussed how it might not be best for us to be together at this point in our lives because he is in recovery for drug addiction (he is in NA and AA when there are no NA meetings going on, although alcohol wasn't his drug of choice) and can't give his all to our relationship or his recovery if we're seeing eachother every week. Although it was painful to hear, I understood and respected that. It was taking time away from his recovery to come pick me up (3hrs away) and when we spent time together it wasn't always focused on doing things for his recovery. Due to my episode I have realized that I haven't dealt with my past and have a lot of work to do on my own recovery. I havent gone to therapy or group meetings yet but plan to asap. We both still want to be together but are unsure if it's healthy to do so, even if we only see eachother once a month or so. He still calls me pretty much every day and texts me daily and we even plan to see eachother as friends, which we both admit will be difficult to do since we both care for one another. Even though I didn't want to talk about what I'm going through right now, we did and he was there for me, encouraging me not to begin my recovery alone and to see a therapist or go to a group meeting. I'm not sure I know how to be that supportive person towards someone else even if I can relate to them, as I realize I'm not a very healthy person mentally when I'm not doing well. I want to reciprocate what he has done for me emotionally. My question is, is it unrealistic to be in a relationship with him now even if we only see eachother once a month or so? Is it unhealthy for either one of us to pursue a relationship with one another? Has anyone else been in a relationship during early stages of recovery with someone else who is in recovery? I want to be with someone who understands me, why I am the way I am and what's going on in my mind when I'm in my freeze response, but also want a healthy relationship as I've been in numerous unhealthy relationships in the past in which I couldn't see were abusive or unhealthy. Frankly I don't trust my own judgement anymore.

 

[Mel (Hippo256)]

I can't say if your relationship is 'strong' enough to only see each other once a month and both be busy with recovery. I also can't say if he's a good guy. But I can tell you about my experiences. My boyfriend and I were and actually still are both in recovery. Especially he helped me immensely. It's tough, but it made us both so much stronger and helped us get through everything. We made so much progress that we wouldn't have made if we weren't together. It can be so helpful to know that there is this person in your life who supports you, even if you can't see each other. But sending each other texts in the evening can help a lot. Talking about what happened in therapy, calling each other if you need each other or just for fun etc.

You can say it's both harder and less hard to be together and both have problems where you're still working on. But in my case, it's so much less tough. And we couldn't do it, stay out of each other's way for such a long time. We had to see each other at least once a week, even if we would just rest in bed. Now we're living together. We even went to (some of) each others therapy sessions and that really helped as well. It helped to dicsuss afterwards what was said and what the therapist could have meant etc. We both have cognitive problems so it's really usefull to have someone with you. It also really helped as emotional support. I really couldn't have done all this without him. He's always there for me and we bring each other a lot of happiness and support (although he can support me more than I him, but it's still in some sort of balance because sometimes he feels worse etc.). We know everything about each other and it's nice that someone understands you when so many people don't. He knows why I freezes for example, even if I don't. He can explain it to me, if I don't know. It gives you new insights about yourself, because we truly know each other.
Oh and yes, I was in an early stage of recovery, he actually helped me start my recovey. I feel like he saved me from a rapist which has me in his claws. I couldn't accept having PTSD and was in denial and not doing anything helpful for my recovery. He helped me with all that and still does (sometimes you fall back in old patterns such as denying anything happened).

However, I can understand why you would say that you need to pause your relationship, because of your recovery. But it could also be an addition to your recoveries. Together you can also work on things that are tough, such as fears. I think you should just try some things out. Pay attention to how both decisions make you feel. They all have advantages and disadvantages and it's personal which one has more advantages.
It's good that you're focused on recovery, but you might need to sacrifice things that are too costly or didn't have to be sacrificed. I don't want you two to feel bad later, about the decisions you made (I often have a lot of regrets, especially about therapies that I gave everything for and just didn't work, that's why I'm very focused on that). Both ways are tough and it depends on you and him as a person and your relationship what you should choose. Just know that there are multiple options. And pausing your relationship now, or focusing less on recovery, doesn't mean that your relationship or the therapy is over and didn't work.
I understand that it's really difficult to know what you're feeling and to trust that. I have that too, that I don't trust myself and my judgement. Now my partner helps me with that, but before I was in a really bad place with bad people, so I understand. Take your time with figuring it out ok? I think it's good that you ask other people what they think. It can give reassurement. Just keep in mind that we don't know the exact situation (only you do) and that everyone has his own opinion. You don't have to do what others say.

Try some things out or discuss them and see how it makes you guys feel and if it gives improvement. Nobody knows what's best for you in this case, but you two.

I hope you can find something that's good for both of you (together and individually).

 

[MCCS]

I can't say if your relationship is 'strong' enough to only see each other once a month and both...

Thank you so much for sharing your experience, I certainly relate to you in a few different aspects.

The only thing that has changed since we "broke up" is how often we see eachother and when we will see eachother holding back, trying to be friends and not have a physical aspect beyond hugging, which we both want. He is along side me throughout my recovery and I'm trying to do the same for him, I ask and listen about his recovery but don't always know what to say. I can relate to him in a lot of aspects, as he does to me, we share our experiences when we can relate. He knows basically all of my secrets, some that my best friend doesn't even know, making him one of my best friends for sure. I can't speak for him, I don't know if he's shared the majority of his secrets, but he certainly has told me a lot of them that a good chunk of his friends don't know. He even acknowledges that he helped me start my recovery, while saying that he didn't want me to start recovery for him but for myself. There are many factors that play into how we feel being together vs. not being in a relationship. It's almost difficult to know which is best for both of us since I'm in early recovery. I do know that he is good for me, as a friend and more. He pushes me out of my comfort zone in a positive way, he's always there for me emotionally, he encourages me to try and communicate, he's kind, caring, patient, articulate, mature and honest. Although, he can't be taking away so much time from his recovery because he is fighting for his life right now. I don't know if I'm as healthy for him as he is for me, but I want to be. I havent felt like this since my first relationship 7 years ago, which only lasted 3 months since I was in a worse place, I was suicidal, wasn't aware I had/have (C) PTSD and when things ended I attempted and almost succeeded with suicide. I ended up in the hospital and my family realized I was struggling emotionally and mentally. I know I'm not in the same place now (I'm not suicidal) but it still scares me quite a bit to know how much I care for him and that he could break my heart as painfully as it was broken 7 years ago. In another sense, it amazes me that I can and do feel that way towards someone again.

No matter what, I'm thankful I met him and have him in my life and don't want to lose him. If it means being friends so he's always in my life, I'm willing to do my best to try and just be friends (which isn't easy for either one of us). We still act like we're together on the phone and through texts, in a way I wonder if it will re-become more when I see him again. We can't reverse what happened or our feelings for eachother but that doesn't mean I'm the healthiest for him, specially at this point in our lives.

 

[Mel (Hippo256)]

Thank you so much for sharing your experience, I certainly relate to you in a few different aspects.

The...

I can relate to some things that you said in your response as well. Like that my boyfriend has helped me so much more than I could do him. He always knows what to say and I don't. Sometimes I made him feel worse, not on purpose, but by saying something stupid. I'm so connected with him that I get tense when he's feeling worse and can't focus as much. And then I forget to see what he wants right now, does he want to 'vent' or want to find a solution, since he needs both and you often need time to vent, so that you can move on. My partner has been diagnosed with recurring depressions and often has suicidal moments. I've been depressed for a long time, but that has been a while ago and have experienced a lot of suicidal moments as well. And a lot of self-harming. But even though I can't help him as good as he helps me, just having someone that loves him, cares for him, finally one person that does (this applies to my situation as well), that keeps you alive, if you know what I mean. It prevents you from taking that final step, because you can't lose/miss your significant other or leave him/her etc.
Often, I feel guilty and often I tried to break up. Convinced that I was bad for him. But he's convinced that will make him feel even worse and when I'm not 'in an episode/confused', I now know and feel that too. We couldn't fight our love and deep connection anymore, but it was a big step for both of us back then.

I'm happy you found your 'partner'. And I know what you mean with being a friend if that's best for him and if he can stay in your life that way. Of course it's not easy for both of you. Just remember that if you both want, you can change 'the rules' a little. And you can always change them back. There doesn't have to be this black and white, there can be a fine line between being a good friend and being lovers, if you know what I mean. You can still love him and hug him and maybe rest together, but still be a really good friend. My partner and I were first (good) friends. You can also keep encouraging each other to step out of your comfort zones, if that's best for you. With being friends, you can still be really close.

I hope this decision will bring you both happiness and maybe a future in which you'll be together in a more intimate way (if you both want and are ready for that). There's no right or wrong with these kind of things. I just hope everything will work out for you guys. Having that extra support is so helpful and it's not just that. Also the happiness and all these other good things it gives you. I just wish you guys the best of luck with your recoveries and your friendly relationship.

And it is amazing that you can feel like this for a person again. I never thought I would ever feel like this for someone or that I would ever meet someone like this. I'm often still amazed and it's good to reflect on that, I'm still very grateful. You deserve to feel like that. I know it's really scary (well, that's not really the right word to describe it) because you (almost) never can be really sure if someone won't hurt you in the end. Especially when you haven't been together for a long time already. Try not to let this haunt you. In the beginning I let this live my life too much and almost ruined the friendship with my now boyfriend. Because of the doubting, the suspicion. But I find it important to never fully ignore my feelings. My 'gut' can still be right about a person or situation in one way or another. Give it, give yourself, time to feel and sort of wait and see what this will feel like for you. Because of your previous experiences, you will be able to see signs if there's something off. And if you're unsure, because of your previous experiences you can be a bit too suspicious (if you know what I mean) and interpret things maybe too strong, you can discuss it to find reassurance on whether it's 'right or wrong', at least here on the forum you can.

 

[Justmehere]

You both sound like you are trying so hard to be each other's supporters, and even to some degree, almost like mutual sponsorship. It also seems like you are both care taking each other, or being very worried about not being able to care take each other.

Does your relationship with each other lead to encouraging each other to engage in relapse behaviors? Or is it more that you both inadvertently trigger each other?

An increase in symptoms when in close relationships is to be expected with PTSD, and increased symptoms is not the same as a relapse. If you are both relapsing - i.e. Engaging in unhealthy coping behaviors - then yeah, it's too soon. But if it is an increase in symptoms only, then there may be reason to keep exploring a possible friendship or dating relationship.

 

[MCCS]

I can relate to some things that you said in your response as well. Like that my boyfriend has he...

You both sound like you are trying so hard to be each other's supporters, and even to some degree, al...

I find it difficult being his friend in the aspect that I feel it isn't appropriate to say I care about him or love him often since we aren't together. I havent said I love him, even as a friend because of how soon it is, even though I do. I know I didn't love most of the guys I dated and this is so much different. I always remember my first relationship as my first love and have that feeling again.

I am starting to believe I am unhealthy for him and it would be selfish to be in a relationship with him even though we both want that.

He is a very black and white thinker. Even tonight he mentioned how he views my response as all or nothing, yes or no, even if I don't express them like that. If we rest together it will become physical once again. If it's physical I don't want to be friends with benefits due to my trust issues and feelings towards him, even though I know a label won't change anything.

We don't engage in relapse behaviour, I haven't cut/attempted suicide and he isn't using. Although, some things do trigger emotional flashbacks and the inner critic for me, which being in early recovery I don't know how to handle yet. I am a freeze response type. My mind freezes, I am like a deer in headlights. I cannot form proper thoughts and do not know what to say so I don't communicate when I'm coping like that. He understands that is my way of attempting to cope through dissociation, even though he is a fawn type, a people pleaser.