I Don't Know Who's Who Anymore....

[J_trustno1]

I don't know if I am the odd one here who hates word family and can't trust any relationships anymore.

Starting from me as a fetus to baby to teenage and now adult life, I could never understand adult world. As a child I could never understand why my father forced suicide on my mother, why he tried killing her and me when I was 10. Why he emotionally and verbally abused me and why I was never good enough for that son of a bitch.

Then comes time when we arrived in NZ and i was 12 at that time. I still don't understand why mum's bastard narcissistic brother used to insult me in front of everyone, make me cry and make faces at me and then chase me down to my room mimicking my crying.outside my door.

Till date I don't know who the real culprits are behind my child labor. I know that the master mind is mum's bastard brother but I don't understand if it was just mum's bitch sister (Pedophiles wife) or mum was also part of this whole planning against me into forced work at mum's brothers restaurant. When I asked this question to mum's sister, she shifted the blame to mum and to their brother saying they were behind all this. However, mum's sister was the one who tricked me into her car and dropped and drove off the car from the restaurant. Yet she denies being the culprit and shifting the blame to mum. When I ask the question to mum, she tells me she had no idea that I was being dropped to work. However, it was mum who told me to lie about my age at 12 and tell everyone that I was 14. Then my mother throws guilt trips at me saying that it was all her fault for bringing us to NZ and working so hard to get to this point. I mean WTF!!! She didn't do it all herself!! HELLO!!! we were working from the time we got in NZ!!! Then my mother goes on to say that yes blame me for everything and I'm the culprit. She then raises her voice!!

My head doesn't let me calm down until I get the real answer. I know one culprit but I don't know if it was both mother and her sister. Or just sister alone. The sister said if she only dropped me once then why did I keep going to work after that? When I asked my mother, she tells me that it was ME who kept going to work!! WTFF!!! So now the blame is being shifted on me. I don't understand WTF is going on!! All of a sudden I am the culprit??? Then mother keeps throwing crap that she raised us herself. I always have to tell her that she didn't raise us herself, we gave her everything we earned from day 1 and even whatever we saved. She tries raising her voice trying to be correct! I don't understand if my mother is thick headed or there is a problem with me???

What about all the physical and verbal abuse by her sisters? What about them doing makeup on me, waxing my legs, face and arms and bleaching my face at 12??? What about them making fun of my looks and cloths? What about the pedophiles wife beating me???

I mean am I the main culprit here? I am trying to understand things here but I don't have the real bulletproof answers. As a scientist and a statistician, you always work on evidence, you always want truth not made up analogies. Seriously, this family is f*cked up and I'm f*cked up as a result of this...

I've been trying to solve this mystery since September 2013 and it's April 2015 now, but I don't have the real suspects sorted. I may sound insane to you guys but I really want to know the truth. My gut is telling me that my mother is also part of all that plotting and now she's just trying to cover herself. There is a part of me that tells me not to trust my mother and boycott her for the rest of my life because of what she's done. It's the plotting that she's done and never standing up to my father and her siblings when they did wrong to me that is pissing me off not the actual work. What hurts me is that she still keeps lying till this date. If she had been honest from day 1, I would've trusted her but now my inner conscious tells me to not trust that woman anymore because who know what is hidden in the corner in near future. What if she does something more nasty to me???

Do I need to cut my mother out of my life forever? Shall I just leave her and never look back because of what she's done? She can have her trophy son and her house but I don't have space for liars in my life. I hate liars and lies, because it just hurts!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think you may be trying to apply reason to something that has no reason at all.

Not all things can be "solved".

Sometimes its just better to accept that people do some pretty messed up things. Knowing the truth doesn't always bring peace. Sometimes it brings much turmoil.

I understand that you have a very scientific mind, but human behavior isn't scientific in the same way that you're used to operating (ie in your studies at school and such). That is, X + Y sometimes = Z but not always, sometimes X - Y = Z and sometimes X / Y = Z and yet other times X * Y = Z.....and so on. What I'm saying is that trying to figure out the "whys" of it all is more likely than not going to be a MAJOR mind f*ck that doesn't give you much peace at the end of the day. You're never really going to know the answers to anything other than "shitty people do shitty things, and much of the time there is no rhyme or reason for any of it."

Maybe take things one step at a time. Get away from the madness. Once you're in a better (physical) space, you will hopefully be able to see things a bit more clearly. Then after some time has elapsed, you can make such determinations as to whether or not you need to kick your mom out of your life forever.

What if.....

They forced you to work because you were considered the family dog. Could you handle that? (Would you want to know that?)
They bleached your skin because you are too dark to be pretty. Could you handle that? (Would you want to know that?)
You were made fun of because you were a sissy, an easy target, and everyone else got a good laugh out of you crying. Could you handle that? (Would you want to know that?)
They ALL conspired against you as you suggest. Could you handle that? (Would you want to know that?)
Your mom never wanted a girl and sees you as a burden. Could you handle that? (Would you want to know that?)
They all think you're ugly, and that's why they forced you to do all those beauty things. Could you handle that? (Would you want to know that?)

I don't say any of this to be mean. I say all of this because the truth is often not what we want it to be....and it doesn't set us free. These are all very real possibilities.....would you really want any of these things to be true? Given how shitty your family has treated you, any one of them could be a real possibility!

I say work on accepting that they are wretched people and get away from them. "WHY" doesn't matter! "WHY" doesn't solve anything. And much of the time, "WHY" doesn't bring us any peace! Its human nature to want to know "WHY" and people are often disappointed when the "WHY" isn't what they expected.

 

[J_trustno1]

@Solara : Wow, very wisely said. You are very right. I have wasted almost 2 years trying to solve this puzzle and I got nothing but more depression, crying, sadness, frustration, anger and misery. I could not find any peace in the past. The more I am trying to dig into it, the more stuck I feel. But at the same time my funny mind keep wanting to dissect the shit from the past and analyze it. I know that my childhood will never come back and I will never be an easy going teenager but what hurts me is that their kids were never given that treatment while I was. I also didn't bully their kids or treated them like crap yet their parents have done nasty things to me.

I keep wanting worst for them and I want them all to suffer. I wish I could kill my father and kill other abusers. I wanted to chop that pedophiles D_ _ _ so that he'll suffer and his bitch wife will have no man to turn into since she's a horny cow. Sorry for my language but I have nothing nice for those people. I want them to suffer every tear I have shed in all these 15 years. I know I sound horrible but I'm also hurt.