I Don't Know...

[theotherside]

Please let me know if this happens to you...

This has happened to me maybe 10 times since working through trauma. Its happened in the bath, on a hike, in my garage...

It is the HARDEST of all my ptsd symptoms to explain. I have these one flashbacks that are so easy to explain..im 5 yrs old saying no no no! Someone is on top of me killing me..i cant breath and so on...horrible but at least i can explain it and i know what it is...

Now to the thing i dont know. I usually try to describe it in words since its hard for me. So here are some words...

Almost dead..near death...life support...out of it...drooling...faint breathing...

This is so hard.

Its like i get this little piece of a puzzle. Kinda like a feeling of something. Its familiar and i try to grasp and find out what it is then its gone.

It's so frustrating. Its only made me cry once because it hadn't happened for a while and i guess i kinda forgot about it and then all of a sudden it surprised me and it was the longest one i think ( it lasted maybe 1 minute) and that is a guess...

Any thoughts?

Now for the rest of the day i have not been present..im so distant and anxious...paranoid...cant stand today.

At least im not crying or SI right now though...

 

[theotherside]

I meant to say that this thing happened today again and has me all messed up...
Dissociating,anxious,paranoid,jumpy,in a fog...
And im still clueless...
I dont even know if the person or thing thats half dead is me? Or a person or animal...it just a mystery..

 

[ggsparky]

I feel in a fog to today it's nice and snowy outside and I'm so sad im not enjoying it makes me feel better someone else feels this way today. As for ur problem I have no idea I wish I could help :/ hang in there tho do u have a therapist?

 

[Jane.l]

I think I know what you mean - I sometimes get a flash of something - I get a white wicker chair a lot, it makes me panic and feel extremely anxious but I can't get anymore of the memory than that but I feel I am right on the edge of remembering and then I can't, I know it means something, I have quite a few of these fragmented flashes as well as whole detailed flashbacks. Does it make sense it could be a buried memory resurfacing ?

 

[Powder]

theotherside,

You are having a flashback of some kind. Nobody can tell you what it is. You say yourself you don't know.

This is the part of you that knows something and seeks integration.

First off, I don't think it is necessary for the left-brain adult self that analyzes everything to "know" or understand the "pieces of the puzzle" that make up the whole self. That is not an achievable goal in this life for anyone. Even if a video camera crew followed you around for every moment of your physical life from birth onward, the full story and full knowledge of yourself would not be answered in the dry facts of the timeline that makes up your life.

Rather, it is the right-brain child self who knows the "truth" about what happened to you during your childhood, especially early childhood. This flashback arises out of the right-brain, where it was recorded. Meantime, your left brain is trying to pull you out of it through analysis. But it is necessary to resist the urge to "shut it off" and discount what the right-brain is telling to the rest of you.

What you describe is exactly like a flashback that I had, and it was one of the most challenging for me to cope with. I call it a "near death experience" flashback. During some of the trauma, a part of me thought I would die in order to escape further trauma. In fact, a part of me in my soul, I think, was "DONE" with living like that. Understandable.

This part keeps me feeling "like death warmed over" or "half-alive" and dulls my sense of being fully alive. Once I accepted this flashback as "me" it resolved. I actually merged my mind into the flashback instead of pulling out of it. In that state, I was able to remember actually going into the dark and not wanting to "come back."

It was this flashback that taught me how survivors often are similar to those who have experienced Near Death Experiences (NDE) and have similarities to them. Accepting this and seeing how it was a form of severe dissociation (beyond total black out into near death) taught me what I did to survive. This helped me appreciate my own toughness and resilience to live. I had to come back for a purpose, no matter how difficult.

I don't know what brought you back, but I'm glad you are here with us. I hope you can share more once you have processed this.

I believe that inside of most survivors, there is a "death wish" that is a difficult thing to carry. It can make us afraid of ourselves. We should not be afraid and realize that anyone who had to live through that would naturally want to "go home" right away and end the suffering. There is nothing unnatural or shameful about that.

When I look at the trauma that preceded it, you thought you were being murdered and somehow didn't die, well, that about sums it up. Me, too. :( That is how you end up with this "I wish I had died" deathwish and its flashback to that state. It is a hard flashback to resolve.

I think you should consider talking about it with a trauma therapist. But just disclosing it here is verbally ventilating it. You'll need to anger and cry it, and also feel it/accept the feeling in your body as a memory.

Best wishes and love, Muse

 

[theotherside]

It could be a buried memory. Its just so frustrating..like when somethings on the tip of your tongue..
And then im all jacked up now. Like really not functional..
Thanks so much..at least someone knows what im talking about.
Im currently looking for a new T

 

[theotherside]

Omg thank you so much muse.. i just got chills reading your post..i can barely even process what you just wrote to me but im going to keep coming back to it. I really appreciate your post so much.

 

[camabelu]

I completely relate to your description of the 'almost memory' (that's what I always think of them as). I had an ongoing one for years during adolescence - the abuse was going on at the time. (I know that now - I was repressing it then.) Every night, when I'd lie down to go to sleep, I'd have this feeling of weight over me, together with the smell of liquor. I'd push to remember and everytime, everytime, it would feel like a steel door slammed in my brain followed by a sense of "oh, no.....you're are NOT going there". I agree with the comments Muse made. I've come to know that it isn't important to remember the details. Some of them will never come back except as they are for the simple reason that, when we're being abused, we often 'leave'. Only our body is there. So there isn't really a mental memory because we weren't present to record it. Growing to accept that body memories are good enough and you don't need a complete picture to heal is a big step forward and one that really helps. We are brilliant creatures. The part of us that knows ALL of it, also knows what is needed and what isn't, in order to heal. It's a journey and there IS a destination. The fact that you're willing to begin the journey and stay on it (as you clearly are) is all that is required. Healing will come. It took me many years (the abuse was long-standing and horrific), but I'm here and I'm happy and I now like and love myself. There were many days, months, even years when I didn't think I ever would or could. Times I believed I was just one of the ones who was too broken to heal. I'm living proof that there is no such thing as TOO broken. It does get better. Just keep taking the steps, breathe when that's all you are able to do, and keep the faith.

 

[Friday]

Are you talking about ecstasy? The thing that happens when your brain just dumps chemicals into your bloodstream right before you die and the pain all goes away, and wow? Like big wow?

It's weird to process smack dab next to all the ugliness. It can also make big-wow events take on the shadow of death, once you've been there, adding another layer of weird. And it doesn't always happen, even if you die and get brought back. But it happens sometimes when you start to die, and it's not super describable.

Don't know if that's what you're talking about, but if so, yeah. It's... Different.

 

[theotherside]

Wow, @camabelu. Thank you so much. Too broken is a record that replays in my head constantly..along with defective, worthless, guilty..so on and so on. I mean If my own family treated me like that how could i ever love myself. You give me inspiration, although i know it's going to take a ton of work.

 

[theotherside]

I dont think i understand @FridayJones, but there is not much i can understand right now. Are you asking if i did ecstacy? I apologise if that's not what you were asking but my brain is not working great right now...but no, i have never done that...

 

[Friday]

Not the drug. The feeling. The sudden removal of fear, pain, and everything bad... In the middle of the worst thing / most scary / painful thing. Floaty. At peace. Clarity. Bliss. Difficult to describe. Happens sometimes when you start to die. But not always.

Might not be what you're trying to process at all. No worries.