I Don't Know...

[camabelu]

To theotherside: I meant to, and forgot, to comment on something you said in your first post - "at least I'm not crying...". I was a bank manager for many years and I'm female. Staff members sometimes came into my office - women, upset about something work-related or otherwise. Empathy always came easily to me so I'd quite naturally listen and try to offer whatever I felt might help (rarely advice - wouldn't it be great if we could actually take it and use it? Seems we have to learn things for ourselves in this life to really understand), because I genuinely cared. But I also remember, very clearly, judging these women for their tears. Thinking, "oh get a grip, for God's sake!" I prided myself on not crying. Well, I was wrong. Tears are great healers. Our brains actually release endorphins when we cry. It's the reason we feel better after a good session of it. So, while I relate to your feeling of 'glad I'm not', I encourage you to let those tears flow when they are accessible. I got into the habit of thinking of each one carrying within it a little bit of poison, leaving me to never return.
And, by the way, you are most welcome.
P.S. It does take time, but there are moments of joy along the way and I hope you will savour every one of them. You're one of the winners - many people never face their demons but live lives of quiet misery instead (I'm quoting).
I'm sending all the positive energy I can summon your way. We're all in this together.

 

[theotherside]

Thanks @FridayJones..i will probably have to come back to this thread later to understand it all. My brain is just not good right now

 

[shimmerz]

Yes, I have had several NDE's and the flashbacks from them are very unique to other flashbacks (in my experience). I think FridayJones is helping you put a word to the feeling (if it fits). I read up on NDE's and found that helped me get a grip on how it may have 'felt', which usually helps with my flashbacks. This is all part of the process....

 

[theotherside]

Thanks @camabelu, i too used to be the "get over it type"..i could not understand people using the past (trauma) as an excuse.
That was before my delayed onset complex ptsd..
Now i understand why some people cant even face it.

@shimmerz thanks so much ..i will read up on that

 

[Chava]

I don't remember near death times, but like I'm speeding (ambulance sped up because I was crashing) and breaking on the inside. I don't have words either and not even many body memories (that I know of) from near death, but I seem to be a perpetual victim of my own body.

But somehow I've had "ecstasy" dreams (more like intense peace I could never describe), like losing control of a car, knowing I'm a few seconds from the end, and just letting go and drifting into bright light white and feeling totally okay, and very light and relaxed in every cell....even these quick last flashes of thought like I had really "seen" this (whatever I saw) and really been here. I had really been alive and it was now okay to say goodbye. Really powerful. I don't feel that in my waking life anywhere, damn it. I can't imagine I ever felt that in a trauma situation but I have no idea because I would have been way unconscious. I've been on life support a few times but don't have any forms of memories that I can recognize. I just like the art juxtaposition of human and machine sometimes. And under stress I breathe into my hands, not in the typical panic attack way, but like I am giving myself oxygen. Works wonders!!

Anyway, it's frustrating because you can't really will your mind to put the pieces together...just these bizarre bits of info (I think I have a lot more of what would be considered body memories and not a lot of flashbacks, but I'm not sure)

 

[theotherside]

Thanks @Chava..
I guess it's some kind of flashback...
I get 3 different types, maybe 4. But this kind is so hard for me to even describe...the best i can say is it's as if somethings on the tip of my tongue, but I can't grasp it (thats what it feels like)