I feel completely alone...

[BlueWeepingRose]

I don't chose to tell everyone my life issues, I only tell people who I trusted and who I considered to be my friends. In the end none of them were there for me, a lot of people dropped me as friends and I'm afraid to tell more people who come into my life because I fear they'll do the same.

I was raped.... it didn't happen that long ago either and nobody did anything about it. I hate the justice system and the way things work out. The things I hate more than anything is the anxiety I feel, the nightmares, the crying, the shaking, feeling on edge all the time and looking over my shoulder.

One day I couldn't leave my mother's side because I was so anxious that bad things were lurking around every corner. I have nobody to talk too if I need too. I feel alone and isolated. Sometimes I think maybe things would be better if I was dead. Other times I think No I shouldn't, I should keep fighting.... other times I feel like I'm a problem, that I'm no good or that all I cause is issues for other people because of my PTSD. Before I was nothing like this. Nobody hardly talks to me.... I hate this feeling, this sinking feeling in my heart... I hate it... :( I know I may sound dramatic right now but I'm in so much pain right now.

Yes I see a therapist and we talk, it helps but each time I have to bring up what happened, it just makes me upset and cry. Maybe I haven't accepted that it happened and I'm not ready to move on. She's a great therapist and doing lots of help for me, I just am tired of feeling like this. I hope this pain stops... I want it to stop. I hate this shaking feeling.... worst of all, is the anxiety... omg... :( I hate it. I feel like I need to fight or run, fight or run, like I'm on constant edge.. :( I tried meditating and it helps which is good. Anytime I see a character suffering with PTSD in a film, I suddenly feel comfort and root for them when they seem okay at the end, but I'm sick of fighting this, I just want this pain to stop... :( None of it was my fault, I know this but it haunts me.. :( It haunts me because I remember how everything went down and it just makes me want to freaking puke...

 

[ladee]

I am so sorry you are feeling alone. I felt the same way last night. But I am a regular here, so for me, that simply is not true. No, they don't set at the table and we drink coffee and talk, but I'll take what I can get.
And you took a HUGE risk by letting us know why you are here. And so many of us absolutely understand the feelings you are having... the shaking and anxiety, the never quite mind... all of it... I was a complete mess last night from being triggered in a massive way... so I hope you believe me when I say, I DO understand.As most people here do...

So glad to know you have a T and that you feel she is helping you.. and we get so sick of hearing, this takes time... when we feel we are living in a time warp of seeing the same things over and over again... please know somewhere inside you, that you are not alone... and I hope you come back more often and share what is going on..

Maybe we have some grounding tips that would help... or simply knowing you are being heard and validated... it is a horrible thing to relive over and over and to feel no one is here for you... but we are.

And was happy to hear that you still have hope... that speaks volumes about your commitment to healing... that tiny bit of hope gets us thru some really bad times.. glad you are here... sending gentle hugs if you accept. If you are not ready for that, just put them on a shelf and take one down when you need them.

Thank you for trusting us... we will earn your trust.

 

[EveHarrington]

Can I ask what you share when you say you share your life issues?

 

[Freida]

you are not alone when you are here. There is always someone around who knows what you are going thru and how hard it is to live with ptsd. You've found a place where people can identify with your feelings and validate that you are not going crazy, you are not worthless, and you didn't' deserve what happened to you. And they will repeat that over and over as long as you need to hear it

And therapy? Yep. it is s.l.o.w. Which sucks. But you do move forward. It's like chipping away at an ice berg with an ice pick. A little at a time.....but eventually you will break through

 

[Deleted member 541]

I’m glad that you understand that this wasn’t your fault. That in itself is huge. Many of us here takes years to figure that out. Yes, anxiety sucks, it’s one of the worst symptoms of PTSD. I hate it more that anything, we all do.

Keep talking to your therapist, keep talking about the rape, keep talking about how you feel about it. And write out how it has affected you. These things will help... learn grounding skills, and healthy coping skills. Learn how to distract yourself in healthy ways. But keep talking to your therapist.....