I Feel Crazy And I Dont Know How To Be Intimate

[PerfectlyFlawed]

Growing up I was wanting to wait till marriage to have sex, like a good Christian girl would do.

I was naive and sheltered from everything except my parents were abusive and used the Bible and the Word of God to abuse and control. (my sis is now a lesbian because of it)

At 19 I met my first abuser. I wanted to wait til marriage but he did not. I was stuck in this domestic violence relationship---I was raped and he gave me Genital Herpes. He also stalked me after.

I have PTSD from this.

I avoided men.

In January of 2012 I was violated by a male friend. He did not rape me but attacked me and gave me whiplash and bruising on my neck. He was convicted of Battery in October 2012.

I now just want to see what normal sex is. I stole a womans boyfriend this fall. And I am now seducing a 41 year old. I recently had Skype Sex with him.

What the hell is wrong with me?! It is my PTSD?

 

[Lily Child]

There isn't anything wrong with you. You had something traumatic happen to you, and it has impacted you internally. I'm sorry you experienced this, especially when you were protecting your virginity and saving it for marriage.

There are a few really good self help books I could recommend to you if you want. I struggle with weird things that make me feel uncomfortable. I was not a Christian but became one later in life. Christians often fail me, but my god doesn't. And I've had many people manipulate the word in order to fulfill their own agenda. That's tragic when it happens, especially when you're a child anyway, I digress. I struggle with s&m fantasies. Can not have a "happy ending" unless I am having these thoughts. The disgusting thing is its always past experiences where I was raped that I fantasize about. That left me feeling ashamed, violated, and wondering what was wrong with me.

I learned it was really normal. And there is a very wide spectrum of normal responses to being abused. You are not alone. You don't need to carry this shame.

Have you thought of finding a professional to talk to? Have you been diagnosed with PTSD?

 

[PerfectlyFlawed]

Yes, been diagnosed since 2009

 

[Lily Child]

I was recently diagnosed with it as well. Is there anything you can share with me that would be beneficial with how you cope?

 

[PerfectlyFlawed]

I am currently doing EMDR. I did not know something was wrong with me until it was too late. I was seeing a Domestic Violence therapist in 09, but did not get therapy till Summer 2011. Because of this, I am a Complex type.

EMDR it does not take away the pain and flashbacks until later. I still have trouble with some triggers. It gets worse before it gets better. you know when you are getting better when you sorta feel like your old self again. Here we are, in 2013, and I still have parts of me that are long gone. My faith has gone to sh*t because I am tired of the Church telling me I am purity symbol.

Here are some good things about PTSD, called Post Traumatic Growth: I am more independent, and I make sure that parts of my life are protected instead of giving my all, like the Church tells us too. For example: my education is important because thats something taht no one can take awy from me. Also my job/internship.

 

[Lily Child]

Can you tell me more about EMDR as I've never heard of it. I was only recently diagnosed (last Sunday) and am still wrappong my mind around it, really. I don't know what my "old self" feels like because my abuse started young (around 5) and was ongoing by different men for 27 years. My mom was an abuser that never touched me (just neglected to step in to protect me, and created a sexually saturated environment, and signed me over to an adult man who fathered my children and later married me) so the abuse kind of defined me. I am just now realizing how much.

And I don't remember ever NOT having these thoughts and feelings, and a three ring circus of a mind.

Sorry. I didn't mean to hijack your post and make it about me. I've just started my journey and I don't have anyone who can remotely relate. People here are honest and vulnerable and helpful.