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I feel dead inside

No matter what I do, how much I accomplish, how "well" I do given my disability, there is a part of me so deep to my core that is dead, empty. I feel like a shell of a person who's just floating (dissociating) through my life. I feel like I don't even know what else I can say about this feeling other than the fact that it is insanely painful and makes me feel so f*cking hopeless. I'm sure I've felt this way my whole life, but it's only now that I am aware of this feeling. I'm currently studying linguistics in one of the top programs in the world, so I spend a lotttt of time working on research, papers, etc. But the second I stop focusing on my academic responsibilities, I'm overwhelmed by the feeling that I don't even know who tf I am because I literally feel DEAD inside. It's honestly so surprising that I haven't dropped out of the program bc the odds are NOT in my favor given how much I am struggling and suffering on a daily basis.

I don't have a therapist currently because it's been so hard to find someone who actually understands complex trauma and I've found that working with ones that don't understand CPTSD just make me feel worse because the "advice" they give me is not helpful and doesn't work and then I just feel like even more of a failure. I just feel stuck and trapped in my own body and there's no way out. It seems with every new day I feel like more of a failure and a disappointment to myself, my loved ones, and everyone else in the world, and just genuine piece of shit that doesn't have the right to exist. the sadness is PROFOUND.
hello thisis. welcome to the forum.

i am another who tried to lose my insane childhood in the distraction of work, work, more work and nothing but work. alas, it didn't work so well, and i ended up hating my work almost as much as i hated myself. maybe almost. i sure hated myself back then and felt like a fraud at every accolade i earned. i'm not sure it would have been possible to hate anything as much as i hated myself.

the good news is that healing really can happen. with allot of help from my therapy network, i am finding the balance between work/life, etc/etc.

for what it's worth
i deeply believe it takes a village (network) to heal. working with pros has been helpful in my recovery, but it is even more helpful with the balancing agents within my peer support network. this very forum is one of the nodes on my peer support network. it works when i work it.