I Feel Dirty

[Deleted member 27340]

It won't go away. Every time someone is near my body it gets worse. Touch adds another layer of dirty. I can rub my skin till it's red for hours after and I still feel dirty. If someone's near me I'll feel their hands on me for hours after. Can't rub it off. My grandma's husband pushed me out of their house. I can feel his hand on my back. He gives me the creeps, his facial traits. Makes it even worse. I can't rub it off, the dirty. I'm sick of it. I want it to go away. I want my body to be mine.

 

[littlelostchild]

@Trauma
(((Trauma)))
Safe air hugs if you will accept them.
I understand. I have been there too.

 

[Deleted member 27340]

Thanks...
I just wish I could do something to make it all stop :( I don't want to be like this. I want to be free, naive, stupid and young instead of trapped and paranoid. Other 14 year old walk around laughing and joking from clubhouse to clubhouse, I lurk silently with my head down and my knife ready just in case. Everybody thinks I'm nuts and dangerous. :banghead:

 

[littlelostchild]

Remember @Trauma you are neither nuts nor dangerous. You are struggling like the rest of us.

 

[Deleted member 27340]

Okay... thanks. I'll try to remember...

 

[quietone]

Would a bath help? I feel that way a lot. I get relief by submerging in the tub and visualizing all of the filth just washing off of my body.
Then I drain the tub and take a shower using my favorite soap and a loofah scrubbing myself clean. I then follow up with some lotion.
Be careful not to scrub too hard, you don't want to hurt yourself. ♡

 

[Deleted member 27340]

@quietone Maybe, I don't know. I haven't taken a bath in probably five years or so, showering is enough. Even if I'm home alone and the door is locked I don't like being naked, and shower as fast as I can. In my head a bath seems unbearable, but I could try it out when I'm home alone next.