I Feel Empty

[Alexander]

My name is Alex and I'm a combat vet i did two tours one to iraq and one to afganisthan, sometimes i feel like i can't take it anymore with little or no interest at all to do things. And now its even worse since i started taking care of my mother. I try to not give up in life but I'm so tired of everything yesterday I was researching how i could kill myself without feeling any pain. I don't know what I will do with my life anymore. I just want to end it all sooner or later. When i think about it i know that the other side will be an eternal rest free of suffering. I tested myself for AIDS at the VA hospital center and I was hopeful that I would have it cause it meant death would be near to me. But lucky me I was fine God surely wants me alive for some reason. I'm writing this to let go of this feelings and maybe feel better. But i hope that soon I can rest in peace either dying in a war or in my sleep.

 

[Heather]

Hi Alex I'm sorry you are in so much pain but it's good that you are here and are talking about how you are feeling. You'll find a lot of support here. Hopefully things won't seem so bleak. Take as best care of yourself as you can. Peace to you my friend. Heather:)

 

[deer_in_headlights]

(((((((((((((Alexander))))))))))))))

Please stay with us. God does want you alive, you have much living, learning, healing left to do!
Are you in therapy right now? I work with 2 trauma therapists, one of whom specializes in working with combat vets.
(He's one, himself... actually, I think vets who have worked on their own healing are amazing in bringing healing to others!)

You are a gift to this world, and no matter what trauma or pain you are carrying, that can be transformed, and you can look forward to living in peace, without dying.

Instead of researching how to kill yourself, how about now spending that time researching how to live... it's time to begin easing and shedding some pain, and increasing your coping skills.

There are caregiving and elder care programs that can help ease your burden of caregiving for your Mom. Many of them are free.
There are a lot of resources out there for you, and for your Mom. You don't have to shoulder so many burdens alone.

I hope you'll feel very much wanted and at home here! Welcome home!
You are in a transition state. The road ahead will become clearer as you take each step forward. Let us walk with you.

There is also a combat forum here, and you are welcomed and encouraged to explore, and post in both areas, if you want to...

Sending hugs if you take them,
With deep respect, appreciation, caring and concern for you,
Deer

 

[KP the nut]

Hi Alex, I'm so pleased you have found this site and had the courage to post.

You are amongst friends here, there is fantastic information and support from members is amazing. We give one another strength to carry on. I write stuff here I tell no-one else, it is my lifeline.

Welcome and (((HUGS))) (if you will accept them)
KP

 

[Tessa]

Hi Alex, sorry it is so tough right now.One small step at a time and the darkness can lighten. We must all keep at least a small candle of hope alight.
Take care

 

[Srain]

Welcome Alexander, it takes a lot of guts to write what you did and you are certainly not alone in feeling the way that you do. I am not a war Vet but I have lived many many years feeling much like you due to severe traumas. I have been very fortunate to have found this website and people that support and 'get' me. I surely hope that you find the same. There are answers and peace for you as well.

Glad you are here :)

 

[Alexander]

Hi all I needed to write on how i felt today since this would help me feel better. Why do i have sudden outbursts of anger? and I feel depressed with thoughts that I should die? I had some liver problems in Iraq like 5 years ago now I had liver problems again back in Jan. The funny thing is that I prayed to God to take me away. When I spoke to the psychologists I told her that If i had cancer that would be my way out. Writing here in this forum may be a way for me to channel all this and move on. Thanks for listening.

 

[MurphyJB]

Hey Alex.
Hang in there.
Outbursts of angry are common with PTSD.
Are you on any meds?

 

[Alexander]

No I'm not on any meds, just started talking to a Doc this week.

 

[Tessa]

Our stress cups are nearly full most of the time with PTSD so it is easy to spill over into anger. We understand and I hope you find hope and support through this forum to replace wishing for cancer.
Take care,you are not alone on this journey. We are all here walking it together.

 

[ronin47]

I'm very sorry for your pain. People respond to PTSD in different ways. Depression and explosive anger is a manifestation of internalization and suppression of pain. A friend once told me that depression is just anger turned inward. There are plenty of people on this forum who can very easily relate to what you are feeling even if they are not war vetrans. I myself experienced ongoing trauma that started at a very early age so depression and anxiety just became normalized in my mind. I know it's dismall and seemingly hopeless where you are, but I can tell you from experience there is hope. You're taking an important first step by seeing a doctor, try also to find a therapist who can help you. I personally always recommend looking for psychologists first as they are held to a higher standard in terms of education and training. Surround yourself with a team of professionals who can approach your condition in a multifaceted way.

You can make it, there's a reason for you to be here.

 

[Reclusive]

You've come to the right place. There's peace here - not like the normal kind, but still peace. It's a safe place, and we all need one of those. Definitely look into programs to help you with your mother and don't put off treatment for yourself. Hang in there, browse around - you'll find a lot of different people coping in different ways - hopefully one will click for you.