I Feel Guilty About This

[IchBin]

About 2 weeks ago I had a particularly rough night. I felt trapped in a storm of difficult emotions and was having intrusive thoughts, suicidal ideation, and emotional flooding. I called a good friend and talked for a half an hour, which helped a little bit, then I wrote in my journal for a while, which also helped, but less than I had hoped.

I decided to go for a walk, which is usually soothing for me, but halfway through I started feeling a huge upwelling of anger. I had the urge to hurt myself and I acted it out by scraping my knuckles on both hands on a brick wall until they were bloodied, then I walked around for another 20 minutes while the wounds bled. I don't know why it was satisfying, and that's disturbing to me, but it happened. I feel guilty about it, so much so that I didn't tell me therapist last week.

I guess I don't really have a question to ask anyone - just wanted to get this out there and off my chest.

 

[Reclusive]

Self harm isn't an uncommon reaction to anger and pain, but something you should definitely discuss with your therapist. Read around some more thread around here and you'll see a lot of people are dealing with the same kinds of things. You're not alone.

 

[Heather]

You are definitely NOT alone when it comes to harming yourself. As Reclusive said there's ALOT of people that struggle with this very issue.

You may want to read the thread: The Urge To Cut Is Back. I also struggle with taking my anger and turning it towards myself. So, please trust us when we tell you (again) that you are NOT alone.

Take best care of yourself as possible. Hugs. Heather

 

[Brontie]

I agree that reading more on here will help you not feel so guilty. But yes bring it up with your therapist especially if it’s something new. It may be due to something being discussed in therapy and s/he should be aware of that.

 

[MurphyJB]

You are not alone.
I struggle with wanting to self-harm almost everyday.
I often feel guilty after giving into it.
But I just tell myself I did the very best I could in that moment.

Hugs to you.

 

[AzureMind]

Yea, I'm falling back on old habits myself....I don't feel bad about it knowing it used to get me through some rough times, I just hate feeling like I have to cut to feel some relief, and like 'somebody's' being punished....I wanted to cut in class today....just go to a place alone, where it's quiet, and take a scalpel, and make nice, clean lacerations.....but I fought it....and I smiled....I laughed, out loud even!!!! I thought someone heard me so I hauled ass outta there, but....Ich, you'll be laughin too.....I look at my scars on my arms, and I laugh....i don't know why, there's no logical reason for it, but seeing them just reminds me from where I came from and they kinda keep me in the moment....like "that was THEN, and this is NOW" ya know? But yea I gotta give it to MurphyJB,

But I just tell myself I did the very best I could in that moment.

That's ALL we can do.....I don't know WHAT tomorrow'll bring, but as long as there's nothing sharp in my bag I guess I'm cool :cool:

 

[IchBin]

Kudos for hanging in there. I do that a lot too, kind of sort out a whole bucket of nasty emotions in my head, and then just kind of smirk. It's like my own little world sometimes, and as absurd as it is, learning to deal with it has given me strength. I was able to tell my therapist this past week about my incident but it was really hard. I felt really ashamed, so tiny and terrified. He handled it so well, holding back any judgments and giving me his home phone number in case it happens again. It makes me feel so much better just knowing someone out there gets it and is willing to be there if it comes back.

 

[Heather]

. It makes me feel so much better just knowing someone out there gets it and is willing to be there if it comes back.

Absolutely! Couldn't agree with you more on that one. I told my therapist about provoking my cat to chew on my leg. She scratched the sh*t out of me and it felt really, really good. He took it all in stride. He said it was better than me take a razor blade to myself. But he doesn't want me using my cat as a weapon either.