I Feel Like Others Do Not Give A D***n About My Feelings

[maryiscontrary]

This is really bothering me and I hope some of you have insight.

I have been developing some well constructed personal boundaries, and my relationships are dropping like flies. Like many of you, I grew up and spent much of my adult life around people who have troubles with processing empathy. So this boundary goes like this---if after articulating very humanely and clearly (non violent communication) my needs and feelings, and these are ignored by the other person, I will try one more time again, and then I will cut them loose if that fails.

I bend over backwards, as I am an aspie, to try to hear and process somebody else's thoughts and feelings. To be clear, misunderstandings are not about things like politics or religion. It is about when something is done or said that really hurt my feelings, like lying, or bullshitting, and the person refuses to acknowledge or take responsibility. To be sure, I work very diligently to be consistent, and do these things from my end if I screw up.

My relationships are dropping like flies, and I am coming to the conclusion that most people are severely broken and toxic.

 

[lil_fighter]

You are obviously very assertive and it sounds as though you are realising that you can control to an extent who you have in your circle:)


Please try not to be disheartened. Yes, while it may seem that many people around you are not capable of expressing empathy or perhaps are not supportive realise that these people are the people that you were obviously associating with when you had a lower self esteem than you do now. It seems that you have woken up in a sense to identifying abusive behaviour and whilst that is a positive thing, it is likely to feel unnerving or uncomfortable of course to come to that realisation about certain people.

I am coming to the conclusion that most people are severely broken and toxic

This is likely to be the people you have had around you before, the people you have associated with but realise that outside of that circle there are many healthy and supportive people.

I have been developing some well constructed personal boundaries, and my relationships are dropping like flies.

This statement is actually really positive. If the relationships around you are dropping like flies and that is a result of you using personal boundaries, then it shows that you are learning to protect yourself and improve your quality of life by saying 'no' to being treated badly. These particular relationships may be unhealthy but if you continue to use the boundaries positively the future relationships you have should be significantly better. Healthy people will respond to you whilst the unhealthy ones will not, it's almost as if you have learnt a new language - one that the toxic, abusive people will not be able to communicate in.

 

[maryiscontrary]

Wow, this is so validating. I very much appreciate you connecting with me. I am about to fire yet another therapist today for mocking me and acting patronizing. When I compassionately brought up that my feeling were hurt due to X, I get the standard stonewalled silence. Most cowards will flee like little b***ches when even gently confronted. It is particularly disgusting and unattractive when men do it. It's like they don't have testicles.

 

[Annie B]

I can't say I have any great advice, but I totally understand where you're coming from! I understand all too well! I do friend purges from time to time when I'm not with a sound mind. It's not as therapeutic as you might think, haha.

What I can say is this: empathy is probably the most important aspect of any relationship and the human existence. It comes naturally for some people but others have to work hard at it. Some will never get it down ever and have no desire to. Those people are toxic. There are definitely toxic people out there who i shouldn't surround myself with (not counting my mom- I don't have a choice). But when I am in a good place emotionally I realize "most" people are trying at least to NOT be toxic. They are just at varying degrees of strength in that area.

Before you cut people out of your life because you don't think they're doing enough for you, consider these things:

Are you giving them enough information to be able to empathize properly? Are you giving them too much info too soon? Not everyone is ready when we want them to be.

Are they empathetic toward other people, not counting you (if not, they're probably not good friends to anybody and you don't need that)

Are you empathetic toward them? Really, be honest with yourself. Sometimes we get so caught up in our symptoms that we fail to consider how our behavior can hurt our loved ones. They're people too. I know I definitely do this sometimes. Especially to my husband.

Definitely cut out the toxic people! But make sure they're actually toxic first.

Don't let your need for people to empathize with you cloud your ability to empathize with them. I only say this because I tend to be harder on people than I should. You probably aren't this way, but I hope by sending this out into the cosmos someone can learn from my mistakes. :)

 

[maryiscontrary]

Wow this is amazing, and I much appreciate your insights.

Empathy, I agree, is the most important aspect of a relationship. I have been around family and work situations where feelings were not acknowledged, and were ridiculed. I am a magnet for sociopaths and narcissists. Well, used to be.

Here's the thing. Most people are so delusional, in my opinion, that they can't listen. I have a friend who is self destructing, and it is killing me watching her do it. Made a very clear statement how this was, and she started gaslighting me. Didn't even process the 3 sentences, with love and validation, that I said. I have another friend I tried to give support after an accident. Tried calling him and emailing 4 or 5 times over a period of weeks. He clearly wants others to chase after him, so I dropped him.

A guy asked ME out, confirmed the day before, totally stoked he was, and was a complete no show, no call.

I have no contact with my dad, uncle,and brother, because they are very destructive sociopaths, always gaslighting each other like a circle jerk.

I don't over share, the friends I do have are GREAT humans, but I find most people have some screwed up agenda. They want a mommy, they want an enabler, they want to rescue, they want an abuser to fix.

 

[Annie B]

They want a mommy, they want an enabler, they want to rescue, they want an abuser to fix.

Wow, isn't that the truth! You've got enough on your plate, you don't need those people.

I completely understand being a magnet for crazies. My mom has BPD (though she is at heart a wonderful person), my dad's family is narcissistic and full of alcoholics. My best friend in college was a sociopath who faked a rape and blamed me somehow, my roommate had a drug problem and needed me to be her mommy and provide for her. This list goes on. Insanity!

Best thing I did was dump the bad friends, switch colleges and get help for my mom issues. I've got a long road ahead of me still.

But I stand by my warning to not lump everyone together as awful un-empathetic people due to your experiences. I have few close friends for entirely different reasons. A few years ago I realized I was a little too skeptical of new friends and I wasn't being fair to them, though I was always kind and compassionate toward everyone (I try to be a decent human being). I secretly questioned everyone's true motives and it kept me from building trust and developing new solid and healthy friendships after I left the old ones behind. I still struggle with this, especially with women (they're sneaky and I have some bully baggage, haha). But I have recently discovered that "most" people are not bad, but they are trying to make life tolerable, even great, just like we are. I just have a heavy-duty wall up and some nearly impossible standards which keep me "safe" but lonely. Don't fall into this trap my friend. :)

It sounds like you are well on your way to making your life more peaceful and positive. I am pulling for you!

 

[maryiscontrary]

Thanks so much for you input. Really, really helpful.

But I have recently discovered that "most" people are not bad, but they are trying to make life tolerable, even great, just like we are.

I understand this completely, but I am saying that most people 30 and up have severe addiction, or personality dysfunction issues. I mean, I can get along just fine, but I find that once I find out how addicted, manipulative, or deluded they are, the relationship hits a wall.

I take very, very good care of myself and my personal business. I find that most folks just don't try. And I just don't want to be brought down, since I have worked so hard to get to where I am at. I am in the US, and this is NOT a healthy place for families and personal development because of the economy, and crumbling infrastructure in education, healthcare, and safety nets. You have to be a rebel not to drink the koolaid here.

 

[Candleflames]

I know that need to get rid of people who just make our time with them miserable. I call it weeding my social garden and pruning the family tree. It's something that everyone needs to be aware and take steps to maintain a healthy social life. Good boundaries are a must and the best boundaries are firm but with a little flexibility. If they are too flexible you get stampeded, which you have found out. Boundaries that are too rigid tend to backfire and box you in. It can take some time to figure out just how that works for you. Some relationships are best held close and others will thrive with some space and, of course, some people just need to go.

In all honesty most people aren't going to give a damn about yours, mine, or really the majority of people's feelings. Most of them are just too wrapped up in there own crap to even see or hear what is going on with us. It's not that they are bad people it's just that for the time being they are short-sighted and to be honest, sometimes I am that person. When someone is persistently in the state of "all I can see is my own issues" we don't have to cut them out of our lives completely, we can downgrade the friendship to an acquaintanceship.

The truly toxic people care very much how we feel and have a vested interest in helping to create emotion with in us. It's just that they want us to feel negative emotions they they have created. They get enjoyment from our suffering. My theory is that it makes them feel powerful and in control. These are the people that need a permanent ban from our lives.

I have to put out there that your characterizing most people so negatively is a concern. I remember being with those same thoughts just a few years ago. It wasn't a healthy head space for me so I worry that you may be in that same position. To be fair, I don't know if you are really surrounded by the truly toxic but I have found that most people really aren't that bad. They are just not perfect either.

Everyone has some issue they are dealing with and everyone is looking for something in the people that fill their lives. That is just human nature. I had an epiphany in therapy the other day. Just the simple truth that someone is my friend provides me with something that is lacking within myself. It might be just simply knowing that someone likes me, likes to spend time with me that helps me see that I do have value. That is the nature of relationships. We cannot exist alone.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@maryiscontrary,

I don't think most people over the age of 30 are severely addicted or have personality issues. I think this statement indicates your own feelings of inferiority and/or is a sign of narcissistic traits in yourself in that you feel you're better or different than everyone else. But the catch 22 is that you've lumped yourself in with those with personality issue people by exhibiting such narcissistic traits.

 

[Annie B]

Well you don't need the extra drama and negativity in your life! It is great that you're recognizing the toxicity of the people around you. Weed them out and actively invest in positive things!

When we try to be involved in positive activities we meet positive people. And when we are surrounded by positive healthy people, we tend to take on those traits. Sometimes ever so slowly, but we do.

I think talking through things on this board is a very positive activity. There are some pretty phenomenal, strong people on here that I look up to. And I don't even know them! If we try to bring each other up and support one another, we actually do start to feel better. At least I do. :) Keep going! You are among friends here!

 

[maryiscontrary]

Guys, I really appreciate you taking the time for such well thought out answers. I got beat down really, really bad and being so vulnerable, I really need to watch my environment to what I am exposed to very closely. This is stuff I can do on my side of the street. I am finding that the better my boundaries become, the more defined I am becoming. Thanks so much for all of your support.

And solera, you are entitled to your thoughts, but I think that statement was presumptive, and unfortunately narcisstic sounding itself. I cannot be around people who do not have their stuff together right now, and really, that is most people I meet. I think it's presumptive to deny my reality.

 

[Badger]

"Most cowards will flee like little b***ches when even gently confronted. It is particularly disgusting and unattractive when men do it. It's like they don't have testicles."

Keep working on that non-violent communication, you aren't there yet. I can see the need to purge liars, etc, but forgiveness is necessary for people sometimes. We all make mistakes, or the things we do can get misinterpreted by the people around us...be careful you don't pull out the flowers with the weeds.