I feel worse

[Scott88]

posted on here a couple of times in the past. But I’m currently going through therapy due to suppressed memories of what happened to me as a child.. that since becoming a parent have resurfaced..I have not long aknowledged what happened to myself and my t..but still not spoke to the full extent.. but since doing this I feel so much worse.. not better... my head is all over the place, I feel like I have the worlds biggest rock on my chest and getting pounded by it.. my head won’t switch off, thoughts and memories and images and everything are constently going round and round I just want my head to shut up... I just want to press an erase button and get rid off everything and start over start again, forget everything.. I don’t know what to do..

 

[Esterio]

Hi Scott
Going to therapy and recovering memories as been some of the hardest times in my life. Even though I am not in therapy at the moment it did help me. I am not so emotional any more. I did find out what was waking me in the nights and now they are not waking me anymore. I am hoping to get back to therapy soon. Therapy I think is learning all about your past and being able to get help to reprocess all the negative experience. I wish you all the best in your journey to wellness.
Peace be safe

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

It's to be expected that things get worse when we enter therapy.

I'm back in therapy after a hiatus. We aren't even talking about trauma or doing any trauma processing, but my system revolts after every session. It's rough! It's why I plan for my Tuesday's to be wide open so that I have the ability to do any kind of self care I desire.

 

[Scott88]

Hi Scott
Going to therapy and recovering memories as been some of the hardest times in my life. Even...

Thank you for your reply, and I’m so sorry you are suffering too. I just feel like I’m never going to get through this, I can’t see a way to I will be ok.. I can’t imagine accepting all these thoughts and memories and they not effecting me the way they are? We tried EMDR and I couldn’t handle it, I feel like I failed and I feel like I don’t know how I’m going to get better

 

[barefoot]

It is a hard process. Very hard.

Several times I have thought, I wish I'd never started therapy - I wish I'd kept my mouth shut, kept on ignoring how I felt, I wish I could rewind and make it that I'd never started sharing any of it. But now Pandora's Box has been flung open, I can't just stuff it all back inside and slam the lid on and pretend that none of that exists. As Churchill once said (!) "If you're going through hell, keep going." Because you can't really go back once you've started to open this stuff up - it's either grit your teeth and keep pushing on and through or stay stuck where you are, stuck in the current churn.

That said, perhaps you are processing too much trauma too soon? It sounds like this stuff is newly surfacing for you so it sounds like you need to go gently. If the deep work is relentless, week after week, and you are finding it destabilising to the point of it's really adversely affecting your day to day functioning, perhaps it would be a good idea to speak to your therapist about it and you may decide together to apply the brakes a bit.

Do you have any self care routines that you are using to take care of yourself at the moment?

 

[Deleted member 37474]

There is a definite weekly cycle to it. I tend to feel depressed or anxious the day after therapy. I forget why I feel that way. Then I remember, "Oh yeah, just had therapy yesterday. This will pass in a day or too." Every session close, my T praises my efforts and then reminds me on things that can and usually happen and how to just ride it out, and then process a few days later if I need too. I am glad she reminds me, despite the fact that I am surprised every week by the dreams and flashes.

My first T did too much and didn't give me coping tools, even when I asked her. Thank God she "fired me." My current T is much better.

 

[Esterio]

We tried EMDR and I couldn’t handle it, I feel like I failed and I feel like I don’t know how I’m going to get better

I went to this T to do EMDR. We did several 90 minute sessions in the intake and discovery stages. Then I had a session of EMDR and it opened up all my emotions and stuff was coming out that I knew nothing about before, in the week after that session my T missed the next appointment with no notice to me at all I showed up and he was off that day it was a scheduled day off. So the next time I went I was a mess and he was all apologetic for missing and not letting me know. I agreed to go ahead with treatment and we tried EMDR now he told me I am blocking it. Then he got hurt and it was one thing after another him cancelling sessions and leaving me hanging was something I could not deal with anymore after 3 months I quit. He had missed over half of the sessions.
I did find out what was waking me in the night either in full on panic or crying that started in the 90's. I the weeks after my first Emdr
I had very little memories of a serious accident I was in. What was waking me was the sudden impact of that crash. I now know the make and colour of the car that I hit. It also has not been waking me in panic since then. I also would wake up crying and not know why. I now know that it was about a guy that died in my arms in a ditch filled with water. This guy had stopped to help out and got killed by a car passing through the accident seen. I was waking to the look in his eyes as he was taken away from me. I had spent 45 minute in the ditch with him waiting on the EMT's to arrive.
I am sorry this has been hard for me to write very emotional for me.
I have walked away from therapy now twice as it was just to difficult for me, I still intend on trying again no mater that it is difficult. So please don't give up it will happen for you.
Peace be safe