I Hate This Time Of Year. Anniversary Angst.

[sessie]

Does anyone else get tired of the fact that PTSD, as well as we manage it, never goes away? I am tired of that. I am tired of feeling like I'm losing my mind this time of year. Most of my triggers are tamed and under control, but next week is the 16th anniversary of the apartment fire where I almost died. And I just hate that I have 2-3 wks of spiraling anxiety...I actually feel like I'm losing my mind. I am so on edge, so emotionally fragile, so unable to cope with normal things in life (like moldy bread this morning). I'm taking Ativan right now. (I don't take it year round.)

And every year, I worry that this time, I've truly gone crazy and feeling this horrible will never go away.

Four years ago, I moved back to the same state that I lived in when the fire occurred. The anniversaries are worse. My therapist said that's because my animal brain recognizes the smell of the air, the angle of the sun, the humidity, and all those little things become danger warnings.

I'm just so tired of it.

I've done therapy (at least two long runs of it) and EMDR. I feel mostly under control. Except for times like this. And I hate feel WEAK and I feel like it is STUPID to give something that happened so long ago this kind of power over me.

And I know it's ridiculous to feel that way, because I can't help this. But. I also hope that someone here will understand and just empathize.

Okay. Thanks. :)

 

[ashdawn8287]

I kind of sympathize with this. I feel I do best in summer and then September rolls around and I get like what you were describing. My incident happened when I was 4. Im 26 now and it has always been like this.

Holidays are hard too. So it's like I get all PTSD like in September and then I pick myself up only to be dropped again around Thanksgiving all the way until the new year. By spring im exhausted by the motions. It's just something I have always noticed about myself.


A counselor once told me,"you'll never be able to forget it, but it will be manageable and instead of carrying it around all the time you will eventually be able to set it down." So set it down is what I tell myself.

Also I have decided to get married in September to change the way I view that month. If that makes sense.

 

[Pencil]

I lose the plot in October. And I have no clue why.

 

[Spiderallis]

It's hard, they say it gets easier with practice but I don't know for sure yet. The anniversary is a huge trigger for a lot of people, you're far from alone in this. It's not stupid or weak, it's a very difficult time and you're handling it quite well. Would you be able to treat yourself to a nice dinner or something to celebrate that you survived? I know it helps me to celebrate the anniversary like a holiday, but my trauma was more of an abuse situation.

 

[sessie]

I talked to my therapist on the phone for about 30 minutes. She told me to practice my deep breathing, do yoga, go rock climbing (which is my thing), eat healthy food, eat some unhealthy food in moderation, take my Ativan, and be honest with people about how bad I'm feeling. And that I need to ride this for 2 wks and I will feel better.

Thanks for your support, folks. PTSD is just such a strange, strange beast. Some years the anniversary is not as big a deal and some years it is awful. So bizarre and unpredictable.

Spiderallis, I think celebrating it is a great idea--will have to think about that!