I Have Messed Up

[Belle]

I feel bad. My therapist has told me to think about what to put in my Therapy Blueprint.

It is supposed to be the final step. I don't have to see her every week now but every fortnight, although I could ring her.

But a week on Friday the parent of the child who threatened me came to a social coffee afternoon at school.

I didn't even look at the reply slips in advance because she never comes to such events. But on the day I realised she was coming.

I was so angry.

She could come to the coffee afternoon but she couldn't come and see me at school after her child got a knife and threatened himself and then me??

I went into a rage. I saw red. I swore and ranted in front of two of my staff. I told them I wanted to 'take her to the street' and smash her face in. I really did. I still do.

In any case I showed visitors around school instead. But I want to hurt her so much.

My therapist has told me how well I have done. Yes but no. Because now I am angry all the time and I hate everyone who was involved in what happened to me.

And I want to rant at certain members of staff. I want to rant at the child and slap his face for continuing to mention the knife. I want to stamp on his mother until I don't see her smug face.

And when I am not angry I am crying. Just crying and hitting my own legs until they hurt.

So I have messed up big time. I can't look at the f*cking blueprint.

I will have to tell my therapist on Thursday and she will be shocked.

 

[Meadowsweet]

(((Belle)))your therapist is there to help you get better. It'll be ok when you tell her, thats whats she's there for.

 

[Belle]

((((Meadowsweet)))) she will look worried and say I am not safe to be at work:(
I have asked my team for help but half of them are only worried about themselves and so used to me being a fixer that now I ask for help they won't give it....
I think I need to sleep, going to take a couple of pills and sleep, just forget it for a while. Want my life back, want to feel free again :(
Visualised smashing them all to pieces, helped a bit....

 

[ericaboo]

I'm wondering if your rant was such a bad thing - I know it felt awful, but maybe it was important to let those feelings into the light? I know there are fears of what people might people think, but those can be highly over-estimated in one's mind. Non PTSD people get angry about stuff too...

It seems like - although some might feel uncomfortable hearing angry feelings, the feelings you expressed sound pretty legitimate to me...

Being someone who is all numbed out - my therapist would have been proud of me if I expressed my feelings (as long as I didn't actually smash anyone to pieces).

I hope this doesn't sound out of line - I'm sorry this was so painful to you.

 

[Belle]

(((ericaboo))) Thanks for saying that, makes me feel a bit better :)