Relationship I Just Miss Her..

[psychocandy]

I just miss her beautiful brown eyes. I miss her laugh. I miss her warmth protecting me at night from the cold. All the little things about her. The happiness in a plain old life of work and watching sports and chilling. I am left with a pile of books on ptsd and patience to get me through the wrath of anger that was unleashed on me when I chose her over her ptsd. I chose her over just walking away when she warned me to leave because she was damaged. I became the face of all her ptsd and was not afraid. But in my own stubborness I thought my love and strength for her, for us, was enough for her to see through her pain that she has from building her wall for 30 years. I wanted to control her pain. I realize now through extreme pushing away that the only way to love her is to completely surrender all control of time. I cant imagine a day without her warm soul. I cant see her or talk to her as her space is her coping...I know shes there. I know she loves me. My patience and understanding is the love that will transcend her ptsd for time is all I have.

 

[heidi]

I think it's really sweet but I wonder if you do understand what PTSD involves. It really would affect your life forever and it's not that easy to romanticize years in. And you really do have to relinquish control because this is a person you can't always help even though you want to and whose problems don't always respond to what seems logical and rational. Anyway, best of luck.

 

[psychocandy]

I know someone who has stage 3 lymphoma who just got married to his partner of 28yrs last month. A few weeks prior, he came home and his partner screamed at him for an hour straight because the steak knife that was put in the dishwasher wrong could have destroyed the house. His partner has Aspergers. If you ask him how he can stay with someone like this for 28 years and he will tell you..unconditional love.

I absolutely agree with your statement. I would be delusional to think that her 1 year and a few months of perfect bliss was reality and the next year, this year of total recoil (and rock bottom ptsd related you name it shes thrown
it, done it, threatened, pushed it at me) is not reality. The fog is her normal and the sun is her exception. But all I ever asked of her was to believe that someone like me loves her, all of her, because she is worth it.

Right now. I have nothing but a glimpse of her when she puts her music up on my streaming music account. I have nothing but a card I send on the holidays to her. I have nothing but a glimpse of her when she decides to come to the same place where I go every friday like clockwork, and although I keep my distance in respect of her, she comes into my space to check on me, and im still the same person who she knows will never hurt her. Is this romance? Not even close. But its better to hear her communicating through music then to be deafened by her ptsd.