I Just Want It All To Stop

[Wolvescry]

No one believes me, I am told I only do things for attention, I watch people make the same mistakes I make and be treated like it is nothing but I do it and its a big problem. I am not stupid, I understand what is going on. I understand the dynamics of victimization. I understand the horrors in blaming the victim. I stay out of everyone's way because I know what I bring, I try I do. I know its not easy dealing with me. I want to give up so badly, stop going to school and work and my mma classes. I cause more problems then I help. I am so tired of hurting people. I am soooooo sorry, so very very sorry to everyone. I did not mean to let myself get this bad and cause so much problems. I am so so so so very sorry. Its my fault I know, I understand. I am just so sorry to everyone. I want so badly to just end it and get my peace and know I never have to hurt anyone again. I am so sorry everyone, to my school to my mom, to my sister and brother, to my love, to my pets, I am just so very sorry. I am tired of the comments and attention, just want to be left alone. I am tired of people comparing me to healthy people and pointing out my flaws, I am tired of the comments on my mental state, I am tired of being told I am weak, I am so tired of the blame, shame, and more, I am just tired, and I sit thinking how easy it would be to end it. To not feel anymore. If I knew my love would heal fine I would. He would have a better life, find a healthy woman, I have not been a good woman to him. If I could just break his heart and wait for the right time to finally do it. But he would be able to put the pieces together. God help me!

 

[ghotiff]

Such a dark place you are in right now.

Please allow me (if you are able) to let me send you some light in the form of cyber hugs.

 

[Rizen]

I might be wrong but it sounds like you're in a toxic environment.

 

[Notsowild]

I've been there. I've been like this for weeks. I did the post "What's the point?". It's just so hard sometimes. You feel like such an outcast and nobody understands. But you know what there are people who understand and their here on this forum. They have helped me so much. I understand. Keep posting and we will be here for you:hug:

 

[Muzikluvr]

I'm in a really good place right now. It's taken a long time for me to accept that my family needed me to be the bad guy so they could continue to enjoy a blameless life. They're still doing it. My mom is and has always been the only one who shares any blame, but she is also the one who forced me to lie to protect myself from possible predators, instead of going to outsiders for help. They enjoyed living in denial, we all adapted to it. I learned my role well enough that without thinking, I would give people what they expected of me... good or bad. Too bad my family ruined my reputation everywhere, and too bad people tend to expect little to nothing or the worst of others... cuz... I pretty much gave them what they expected or some lighter variation of it. I didn't excel, unless I was expected to and that only happened in school... when I had a good teacher.

My husband expects that I'm good, and he's given me a lot of opportunity to figure stuff out while he's maintained the business of life. Even knowing that my family chose the path of denial to suit themselves, and that in doing so they began sniping at me for things that weren't in my control when I was still in elementary school... I toiled for years trying to figure out how to get them back in my life. I'm in a good place right now... it's been weeks since I've really obsessed over my family, over explaining to people that I'm the victim... not my dad who now claims that I blame him for not protecting me from something he didn't even know was happening and I selfishly won't allow him to visit his grandchildren. That's so rude, since he blamed me for lying about his favorite uncle when I was a child, and told everyone that I hate him for some unknown reason. Reality is malleable to my dad. Facts are lost. He bases all of his beliefs on what he wants to believe.

I'm fascinated by science lately, can't get enough info about the universe, about how our world really works. I'm in love with facts, and understanding how to test a hypothesis, how to prove a theory. I want to know how to think for myself, so I don't get caught up in my family's bullshit anymore... or someone else's bullshit either. I don't speak to any of my family anymore. It took a long time to get over the negativity that they imposed on my thoughts about myself...Still, it was a quick relief of symptoms by avoiding them. I felt the relief and I knew I was on the right track to avoid them. Some people... NEED other people to be the bad guy and when enough of them use you as the scapegoat then it changes how you respond to everyone and it's really hard to see which came first, you behaving like a jerk or people treating you like one. So, you have to avoid the scapegoaters at least until you can sort out how to consciously choose your own behavior and stop any subconscious acquiescence.

I hope hearing about my journey helps. I didn't mean to impose my situation on you, only to compare what I went through to what I hear in your post. You really cannot be to blame in everything and by everyone... unless they just want you to take the blame, and unless you've been so used to it that you naturally create havoc to satisfy that need in others. Believe me, people will jump at the chance to have a scapegoat in their midst! It's not an easy habit to break, but it is one that you can turn around.

First, you have to believe it isn't all your fault.
Good luck!
Muz

By the way, what don't people believe you about? And, what kind of attention do you need/want?