I Just Want Some Peace From This Horrible Ptsd.

[LittleBear]

I am so tired of the anxiety and panic attacks. I saw my therapist yesterday and was feeling wonderful and then when I realized I was happy I started having a panic attack. It was generated when I passed a speed trap and the officer stepped out to pull a car over and I thought he was going to pull me over but he got the car behind me.

I then realized I am happy from my visit and something was going to happen to ruin my happiness. Every time I get happy something happens to ruin or in some cases destroy it up to and including sudden unexpected deaths of loved ones.

It's been 14 months since the death of my friend and his wife and it still hurts like it was yesterday. He was my confidant, counselor, laughing partner and best friend. I was his, too. We could both be feeling terrible and within five minutes be laughing and happy. Now he's gone forever.

There is so much treachery in the World and it's getting worse in our society, not better.

I have no trust in anything or anyone anymore. not God and certainly not humans. I don't want to be this way but to protect myself I am going to have to find a town with a small church where I can live in a small house and live out my last remaining years somewhere in peace. Somewhere I can work at a small job and go home and close the door behind me and close out and be at peace.

I am not a city person and this city has destroyed my very soul. I've got to get back to a happier time and place.

LBear

 

[timetorecover]

I feel Your pain Little Bear. I am sorry for your loss.
I too crave some peace.
Living in London is like a Rat Race.
I am not sure that moving away will take away the pain though, maybe?

 

[LittleBear]

Thank-you for your reply, timetorecover. I don't do cities very well and people everywhere I've got issues with. In order to survive in the city you have to submit to far too many conditions. I like knowing my grocer, pharmacist, mailman/woman etc. In a small town no one is a stranger because most everyone went to the same high school and many work in the same area and even go to the same church. I don't like being surrounded by strangers and you can build an excellent reputation and long term relationships in a small town. I need peace and surrounded by strangers by the millions is not my idea of a peaceful existence.

I need friends and memories; not, possessions and loneliness.

LBear

 

[Kaii]

I feel the same way....and so I took my life savings and built a small cottage on the ocean, in a really small village with a population of less than 300 people. That place has been my sanity. I would live there year round if I could. The safety and inner peace that I feel there is worth the financial loss i had to take in order to build it.

 

[LittleBear]

That does sound beautiful, Kaii. The anxiety and mild panic attacks have returned since changing my medication and it seems like whenever I wake up it's in a state of an anxiety attack. Prayer and reasoning helps settle it a little but not always. I'm disappointed in my therapist because yesterday he asked me what I was having the attacks over and I tried to explain to him there was not necessarily a cause and effect but just anxiety from simple fear of the next impending tragedy. I am so tired of this hyper-anxiety but I have no capacity to endure another tragedy and this last one destroyed me.

The anxiety comes from trying to prevent the what I am beginning to realize is unpreventable which in itself is a cause for the increased anxiety. I have had this prevent defense all my life and so did my dad. I don't understand life; I simply do not understand it.

Thank-you for your reply.

LB

 

[Deleted member 12723]

(((Little Bear)))

I'm sad for what you are going through. I hope you get your dreams of being in a peacefull place with kind people. It sounds like you are overwhelmned. Be gentle on yourself.

<It is not necessary to quote the whole post, as you have mentioned the members name you are replying to>

 

[LittleBear]

Thank-you, Gizmo. Peace be with you too.
LBear