I Keep Hurting Myself Whilst Dissociated

[super_saiyan]

My dissociation is getting worse and happening for longer. I don't know what I am doing. Last week I came around and I had smashed a vase and had cuts to my thighs and groin area. Last night I found myself in a forested area and this morning I have realised I have deep scratches to my forehead.

I don't know what to do. I don't self-harm, I am not consciously choosing to hurt myself. Please help, I am scared.

 

[Enaila]

If you are on medication, I would make an appointment with your doctor immediately as some medications have side effects such as you are describing, particularly sleeping meds. It couldn't hurt too share with your primary doctor or therapist as well.

 

[super_saiyan]

If you are on medication, I would make an appointment with your doctor immediately as some medications h...

I refuse to take sleeping meds. I am on other meds but have been on the same ones for three years now.

Do you think this might be because I am about to begin therapy? I don't know if this is me re-enacting things, I don't know.

 

[Enaila]

I used to self harm when I felt like I didn't have control. It was also an unhealthy way to calm when I felt overwhelmed. I become anxious in regards to therapy, but the sessions he'll.

Breathe, try to be kind to yourself. When I started therapy and learned about my inner self, I could feel her fear when I hurt and I realized I didn't want my inner child feeling abused anymore. Your T should give you techniques to try for calming. Give yourself time.

 

[GWhizz]

I actually do self-harm when in full blown dissociative mode. It brings me back to the present so all I can do is work on trying to stay grounded, and learning better coping strategies that I'm trying to get my 'level' or present self to practice enough that they become more consolidated and ingrained in my behaviour.

The fear associated with beginning therapy may be part of it but please talk to your doctor or therapist, don't let it scare you out of getting help. I was reading some of Pete Walker's C-ptsd book last night. Something that really resonated with me was that we need to work on that inner blaming critic before we attempt exposure therapy, otherwise flashbacks etc can become more uncontrollable and harmful.

I understand it's uncontrollable. I have come to with glass bottles smashed around me quite a few times. It's really unnerving and the reason why you really need support through this. It feels a bit counterintuitive. Many times I get lost unwittingly in it and begin to believe that things were better left as they were. But my T always reminds me that I'm seeking help because things were never okay. It doesn't mean it's easy or that it won't get worse before it gets better. But you will find a way through it.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

I relate. I used to have this problem, too.

What happened: I used to lose time and then 'come back' to find my knuckles all bloody. I had no idea what was happening, other than I was obviously losing time. This happened over and over. Eventually, I 'came back', at the end of an episode but slightly earlier than normal, to find myself rubbing my closed fist vigorously but firmly and repeatedly over the palm of my other hand; I was feeling anxiety, fear, and rage. Immediately, I stopped and thought about what I was doing, and what that implied.

From then on, whenever this happened I 'came back' quickly and stopped myself.

My guess is, you are feeling overwhelmed and so dissociating in order to deal with the feelings but without having to retain the memories. This will not last forever.

I suggest you find a good therapist and talk this all out.

Ben

 

[BlueOrange]

Please help, I am scared.

In the long term, there's all sorts of things that can be done and conversations to have in terms of what's happening, and how to come to terms with it, and that sort of thing.

In the short term, you're experiencing a lack of control, and there's physical evidence that someone is hurting you. I think your health would be best served if you were in a safe and supervised environment. I'm not personally familiar with crisis services in the UK, but this looks like a good starting point. There's only so much that a forum can do to help you, and I don't think that we can provide enough help for your current situation.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

How are you doing now, Super?

Ben

 

[super_saiyan]

How are you doing now, Super?

Ben

Thanks for the replies, appreciate them.

I have largely been in a daze the past few days. I have lost huge chunks of time. Not sure what is currently happening to me really or what has triggered this particularly lengthy episode.

Have therapy tomorrow but terrified they won't believe me if I say 'I don't remember hurting myself'.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

Why wouldn't they believe you?

Ben

 

[super_saiyan]

Why wouldn't they believe you?

Ben

Because I used to self-harm consciously.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

I would still believe you, unless you were a known habitual liar.

Ben