I Keep Hurting Myself Whilst Dissociated

[Knak]

Thanks for the replies, appreciate them.

I have largely been in a daze the past few days. I have...

At least be assured yourself that it happens. My therapist attributed it to getting attention, which makes me believe she has no idea. I did not get attention, nor was the perpetrator chastised.

I just read a research paper that explained the reason for self hurt so that it makes sense to me. The author explained its use in dealing with overwhelming stress.

She said therapists may not realize that children can learn that the body is the vehicle for tension relief. We can be exploited by adults or children as an outlet for their tension, or to gratify them somehow; vs. learning to self sooth through applied examples of caring and concern by sensitive, healthy parents or other authority figures.

We can create (and get addicted to) adrenaline, which calms us. Also the dissociating is calming. Experiencing pain increases endorphins, which has an analgesic effect. You also don't have to depend on anyone else for relief, if help or support was taught it is not an option.

The learned belief is that the body doesn't matter. I know that has been my problem and still is.

 

[super_saiyan]

Thanks for replies.

They are holding a professionals meeting on Tuesday to see what to do with me - whether to section me etc. Does anybody know of any trauma-informed inpatient wards in England?

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

As I was reading this thread I was feeling more and more concerned for you, @super_saiyan. Cuts to the inner thighs/groin area are very scary and dangerous. I hope the "professionals meeting" today went well. Remember what @BuckarooBanzai said ... YOU are an important member of the treatment team. Hang in there, keep reaching out, and let us know how you are doing.

 

[super_saiyan]

As I was reading this thread I was feeling more and more concerned for you, @super...

Nothing happened. Was kind of hoping this would be taken out of my hands, but they have decided that I am ok. The community team are not trauma-informed at all and see this as typical self-harming behavior. My therapist understands more and is concerned but ultimately she doesn't have the power to do anything unlike the psychiatrist or community team....

An update on how this is going: I was sitting on the street at 4.30am this morning outside a children's play area. It was pitch black. I have a complete blank between 11pm up until then. I don't know how long I was out there. I am trying to understand what's happening and piece things together, but literally blank. I am scared and don't know what to do. I have asked for help and reinforced that I don't feel safe from myself/others but... nothing.

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

I'm so sorry you are going through this, @super_saiyan. Can your T advocate for some higher level of care? Given the danger? What about your own rights and options to advocate for yourself? What is your next step (is there some kind of appeal process?)

In the meantime, I believe several people suggested that you find someone, anyone, to literally watch over you. What steps have you or can you take to start to put that in motion? Try to stay engaged and active; you are fighting for your life. Work closely with your T to develop a safety plan. Maybe you & T can work on slowing things down (retroactively, in memory) to identify triggers, stressors, and physiological symptoms that signal a dissociative episode.

Good luck and hang in there!

 

[super_saiyan]

I'm so sorry you are going through this, @super_saiyan. Can your T advocate...

They have tried to.

I don't really have anybody I can talk to, which is why I post on here. Only just started therapy so still trying to build trust. Hate to be suggestive within sessions, don't know how to ask them for specific help. There's nobody to watch over me; I try to stay as grounded as possible. Can't get a handle on this.

Thank you for your reply.

 

[Sideways]

What you're experiencing must be pretty terrifying. Been there - it wan't a park, but finding yourself somewhere strange, knowing that sometimes you hurt yourself and you don't remember why or how? I'm with you there. And it's terrifying.

Hang onto your p-doc. Talk as much as you can about why you might be blacking out. And try some lateral thinking strategies. Medium term, is it possible to get a dog? They tend to wake you up and get you grounded before you've left the house. What is your process for locking up at night? Would dropping the door key in a jug of water in the fridge help (dipping your hand into cold water to unlock the door might ground you in the moment)? Stuff like that. Lining up glass bottles or even balancing plates on the floor against the door - crash and clatter when you open the door may help? What do you do to typically harm yourself? How can you secure those things? Baby cam in the kitchen or lounge at night so you can play back to yourself what it is that you do, and see whether you are lucid or not when this stuff is happening...

These are not long term measures, because long term you will solve this problem. Aim to keep yourself safe while you figure out what's going on and what helps.

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

What is your process for locking up at night? Would dropping the door key in a jug of water in the fridge help (dipping your hand into cold water to unlock the door might ground you in the moment)?

What great, practical, manageable suggestions, @Ragdoll Circus! I love it. You're good, you.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

While concerning to a newbie, dissociative episodes (the black outs you've mentioned) are not dangerous in-and-of themselves; your dissociated self knows how to take care of you.

As long as you aren't harming yourself or others, I wouldn't worry about the dissociation.

 

[super_saiyan]

@Ragdoll Circus, thank you for these suggestions. I have been setting alarms to go off every two hours through the night to try to startle me, but I haven't even been hearing them.... Difficult thing is that I live in shared house with people I really don't deal well with so is hard to implement environmental things.

While concerning to a newbie, dissociative episodes (the black outs you've mentioned) are not dangerous in-and-of themselves; your dissociated self knows how to take care of you.

As long as you aren't harming yourself or others, I wouldn't worry about the dissociation.

Problem is that I have been coming to harm whilst dissociated. Almost seems as though there is a part of me that seriously wants me to come to harm and is acting that out, if that makes sense?

 

[Sideways]

been setting alarms to go off every two hours through the night

Not knowing you and how you tick on a personal level, I can only reply with how this would effect me. When I set my alarm (and I think this is common), I tend to wake up just before it goes off. My sleep is effected because I go to bed knowing that I'm going to be woken up. I sleep lighter, and my sleep is more broken, and it doesn't take long for that to be a disaster for my mental health.

Good solid sleep is an ally with controlling dissociation. I know that's the problematic time for you, but I also know that I would find this tactic would be a stressor for me. I work pretty hard on sleep hygiene as one or my core mental health treatments, so waking myself every 2 hours would be very counter productive for me.

The reason my go-to is glass bottles against the door is that I know I'm only going to be woken up if there is a problem during the night. I still have a good chance of getting quality sleep if there are no issues, and knowing that I can "sleep safe" is a critical part of my sleep hygiene.

Something to think about.

And while I agree that panicking is not helpful, given what you're experiencing when you dissociate, I don't (unfortunately) agree that this is one of those symptoms that should be approached as "try not to worry". It sounds like there is a genuine reason to be concerned for your safety. Mostly, with milder dissociative states, we do look after ourselves pretty well, and will even naturally "shap out of it" the second we're confronted with a risk of any kind. That's the reason it's usually quite safe to drive on auto pilot.

But as you move further up the dissociative spectrum, safety issues like this are a very real concern. You are no longer on "auto pilot" as such, and as well as not rousing automatically at the first sign or risk, we can sometimes do disastrous things while dissociated. It's not a regular occurrence for me, but it does happen, and it does shift it out of the "try not to worry" category for me.

Just some thoughts to hopefully help a little with your own management strategies.

 

[Sarahlou611]

Thank you for these suggestions. I have been setting alarms to go off every two hours through the...

There will be a reason for a part to be acting in this way, there will be a purpose to it. It may be acting something out, it may be a coping mechanism, I don't know.

Do you journal? Or have much communication within your system? Could you ask what's going on? Or how you can help them? Or even just acknowledging them might help? Maybe they're trying to force you to notice them, or communicate?

Is your therapist trained in trauma work or DID?

I know that there's a few places in England that claim to work with DID, I also know (in my personal experience based opinion) that most of them don't really know how to work with DID! However, Khiron house is a name that keeps coming up, I don't honestly know much about it though.

I hope you're doing OK and managing to stay as safe as you can. X