I Know It's All In My Head, It's Just No One Has Told My Head That

[Sammyiam]

Hi everyone,

I have been having huge problems in the last few weeks or months, but have had so much help from people on this site so I would like to say a great big thank you to everyone for being there.

I have so much going on in my head it's like it never stops, there is always a bad response to something, like oh no I'm going to die from that or oh no if I do that then that will be bad, if I do that I'm going to get into big trouble, if I take all that medication the side effects will kill me, it just doesn't stop it just goes on and on, sometimes I just want it all to stop, to get off the merry go round of PTSD and be able to stand back and just take a breath as that just a breath...... Not what will happen if I do that or this or the next thing, just a breath for the sake of breathing.

I have only been told that I have PTSD. Since November but it has only given it a name as I have struggled all my life just not know what it's name was, it's has helped in the fact that I am starting to get help where I have always coped on my own, I haven't been able to work much at all for the past year, I go through moments where I can for a while then I just seem to fall to pieces and can't do anything, lucky I am self employed so can hide behind that, I just don't know how much longer I can do that.

I think that it is all in my head and it's just my head hasn't told the rest of me, that all this stuff that terrifies me , and there is a lot...... some is real and from the past and some is just my thoughts in my head going crazy like I think I'm going to die like 100 times a day from something I have done wrong, but I can't seem to tell anymore what is what and even that scares me a lot. I went to work today to help a friend and seen my past nightmare 3 times today ( the man from my past ) I came home and jumped in the shower and just sat there thinking what do I have to do to just stop the thinking in my head, to stop things growing so big in my mind, to make it all just go away.

I have thought of most things even running away, but have decided that you cannot run from yourself as it all follows you, and when you think you can stop it sits right there beside you and turns and says yep I'm still here, hi how are you ?

My abuse started when I was fairly small, my dad's best friend and it went on until around the age of 14, my dad's passed away now and my mum is really sick, nobody knows of my past in my family, just a few friends and my husband and I just got brave a few months ago and told my two grown up children, which are having children of their own now.

I also have had it happen again in my late twenties and other traumas with my children that took a huge chunk out of me I just feel that there is not a lot left of me anymore, just an empty shell that walks and talks like other people, but inside there is nothing left.


I would just love to wake up one morning and it all be just a bad dream, sometimes I don't think I am ever going to beat this and that it has beaten me. I just can't see a way around it and I just can't keep going on the way I am. I am doing therapy with a psychologist once a week but every time I go I have trouble with disassociation even if we are talking about nothing I just get so scared that someone will see inside me. See the real me and what has happened.


I just feel a little broken and there doesn't seem to be the right glue anywhere to put me back together again, well back together in the right order.

 

[mrsps]

I know what its like to have a million things going on in your head and feels like you are going crazy ((hugs))

 

[Deleted member 12723]

When I first started therapy, I thought, three months and I will be on my merry way. I felt after the three months that someone picked me up by my ankles and shook every part of me out of me and there was nothing left. I used to go into my closet and curl up into a great ball of fear so I can relate to what you are going through right now.

It is a journey of healing and recovery you are on and it gets worse before it gets better and so much of it has to do with what you choose.

So many life skills to learn. So many false beliefs and illusions that are shattered. I know it seems really glum. But you are so worth fighting for.

Stay on the path of healing and recovery and learn the things that can help you become healthier and stronger.

I am so glad you have the forum for help and support.

I know how it sucks to be the way you are right now, but do not give up on hope and know that we are all in the same boat here and you are not alone.

The only way out is through the process. Your life has changed forever and you will learn many good things about yourself and eventually you get to the place where it gets better and you will begin to have a good day here and there. It is a roller coaster ride for as long as it takes.

My life is so much better now and I love me as I am finally. I am beginning to reap the fruits of labor.

It is a journey you are on to becoming a real person and it will involve so much self discovery.

Please consider starting a trauma diary here unless you already have. It is a wonderful way to record everything and get help help and support.

I hope you have a good therapist to talk to about how you are feeling and all the pain and anguish you are in.

These are all just my experiences and thoughts and opinions so feel free to toss if it does not meet your needs. I hope it helped.

 

[Britt.f7]

You are on a journey of recovery. Time to weed out the unneeded. You get to decipher what it is that you need, what is useful to you. You could do this. Slowly you'll get parts back together. Some will be new parts. It's such a process. I don't envy anyone it, but, it will get better. In time. It might even be a different version of better then what you started with.

 

[franciemarnie]

The trauma is in your body. Initially, it was an event, but it changes the body/mind when PTSD develops.

When your mind is racing, try to focus on your body and feel the sensations. Let the thoughts alone. They are illusory. The compulsion is to get out of the body, but it doesn't work. Our neocortex brain tries to make sense of the body in overwhelm and will see an emergency everywhere in every thought, every person, place or thing.

If you practice mindful meditation, it can help you tremendously so you don't feel nuts. You can't think your way out, but you can feel your way out.