Sexual Assault I know what i did last summer

[Ariadne]

I'm in my 40's and I'll be straight-forward, I can at times be a bit promiscuous. It's not an acting out thing, it's a I know what I want, don't want and I'm not about to play games about it. Sometimes I have a high sex drive and I don't always want a serious relationship to go along with it. So, I try to be an "ethical slut".

Most of the time, I'd shed the sexual/body shame I grew up with, but something happened last summer that shook me pretty bad.

I won't call it rape. I was consenting to sex. I was seeking sex. I was expecting sex. I would have been OK with sex, even lousy sex.

What I got was violence.

I met a guy on a dating site. He said he was bi and wanted to have a threesome with another guy because he wasn't ready to go it alone to be with a guy. I agreed. We met and I told him what I was cool with and what I was not cool with.
We got to the other guy's house and started messing around. It was ok at first, but then it hurt, so I tried to just move, but they had me pinned. So I said it hurt, that I wanted to change positions or something. The second guy basically held me down and said "take it, b****"

So, first guy got in on that. I kept complaining, saying, "OW, stop, that hurts, please don't." so even though beforehand I said no oral because I have a horrendous gag reflex. First guy shoved a pillow under my head and straddled my face. I couldn't complain then.

When they were done, I just asked to go home. At first I told myself they were just nervous, inexperienced, lousy...

I went to the bathroom and nearly passed out from the pain. I was more torn up than after giving birth! (I have 3 kids and always ended up with stitches stem to stern) I couldn't even walk for a week. I told my roommate and he took me to see my doctor. By that time I had physically healed, but I felt so ashamed and hurt. I wanted someone to just come hold me and tell me everything was going to be ok.

I didn't feel safe reporting it because 1. first guy has guns, knows where I (and my kids) live and works at the jail. 2. I had agreed to sex before we even met.

That was last summer, as the weather turns warm I am finally feeling like I'm getting my sex drive back, but I'm also angry that this happened. I vacillate between wondering what I could have done to avoid it and just being angry that these guys when given an opportunity for perfectly consensual sex, had to be violent instead. And, I do feel kind of defensive, like a past T I told about it, kind of dismissed it like it was just bad sex.

It's more like if you offer your hand for someone to shake but they punch you in the face instead. It was assault, it just happened to be with a sexual weapon. So yeah, I'm mad.

Thanks for listening.

 

[Lucycat]

Oh my goodness @Ariadne - I am so so sorry for what you have been through.That was truly dreadful and nobody should ever be treated like that.

You say you consented to sex - even before the encounter. That does not give them the right to violate you. Even once you have started to have sex you have every right to change your mind - just as they do too. Your history and your choice of sexual behaviour in no way excuses what they did to you, and I do think it is a shame you did not report them straight away - although I understand how difficult that would have been.

A good T will help you move forward from this experience, without any judgement on yourself. Regardless of the circumstance IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.

 

[Abigail7]

Wow, that was a good way to put it, offering your hand to shake and then being punched in the face. I'm so sorry this happened to you! I wish society had a handle on "no means no" because it seems like until we get the basics down, the issue of consent being able to be withdrawn (you said no after saying yes), and the issue of selective consent (you said yes to sex but not yes to everything under the sun) seem to be so far out of reach (sadly). This isn't your fault in any way. This was so much more than bad sex or regrettable sex. You clearly said no! Therapists like your ex therapist make me a bit sick. If we can't even have a therapist in our corner, no wonder the report rates for rape are so abysmal.

 

[Kintsugi]

I don't even know where to start regarding your former T or your comment that you would normally not be ashamed. I know the shame that comes from rape, and I know how it feels to think "Well... I guess I put myself in that position." But you were violently raped by two men who knew the limits of your consent and who completely violated your right to say no to anything at any time. I'd like to shake the shit out of the T who spun that any differently.

I don't care if you agreed to be bound to a table and whipped while wearing a clown suit. You said no. You asked them to stop. And you specifically said what you would not do.

These men were predators who took an opportunity to rape you without consequence. And the one who works as a corrections officer? It makes my stomach turn to think about the authority he has at work.

I am very sorry. It isn't what you did last summer. It's what happened to you. I hope you can hear that.