I would appreciate your advice. I met a woman and fell in love 2 years ago. She travels a huge amount and was involved with someone during the first year so things were quite chaotic. We always kept in touch by email. We always remained kind and gentle with each other. But there was a lot of hot and cold stuff as well.
Finally a year ago she made the decision to move to my country and in with me. During this time I had no idea but I recently found out she has been diagnosed with PTSD. We lived together for year, introduced each other to family etc. Last February she had to go to India for 1 months work and decided to travel the country for the next 4 months. We made plans to be together during the whole summer. She also decided to move to my town and start college here in the fall.
We kept on touch every day and suddenly inexplicably in March she went into a Vipassana meditation retreat, came out and “broke up with me” by email but also sent a raft of other emails with mixed messages. There were angry email exchanges which have now de-escalated into more cordial warm messages. I finally went to a psychologist and told the whole story because to be honest I was feeling extremely bewildered and shell shocked by her behaviour. The psychologist suggested borderline personality disorder. In the last 4 years her father has died (who she adored), she suffered brain injury from a car accident, she completed 3 degrees but as of yet has not been in employment save for short term waitressing jobs.
She has spent in total about 1 year and a half travelling around India on her own. She does not get on very well with her mother. Mother has new boyfriend who lives in the family home.
I have come to the conclusion that she needs therapy of some kind. (Currently she takes no medication and follows no therapy). I have also come to the conclusion that If I try to pursue a relationship with her it is doomed to failure unless she acknowledges and pursues some therapy.
My question is this. how do I communicate with her without making her feel like a “damaged” person and how do I bring up the subject of therapy? 90 percent of the time we are together it is blissfully peaceful and happy, 10 percent is a nightmare. She says and does incredibly hurtful things when there is a separation. She feels a desperate need to travel yet isn't taking cohesive steps to find some kind of stability job wise or likewise. She does not know which job she wants and her ideas change frequently. And to put it further into perspective, last December we were close to having children. February she told me how much she loved me. March, April, I am “no longer in her future, never a couple”, May-”I’ll see you soon, I think about you a lot, I miss you deeply”.
I don’t think anybody could have a relationship like this, and I know I need to put some boundaries somewhere. Going to the psychologist was incredibly helpful as well. It was like a veil had been lifted from eyes. I had previously no experience of mental illness and for that reason her behaviour was really driving me close to insanity. Having lived a year with her I also realised that my behaviour could be quite detrimental to her. I was going through an extremely stressful period in college/ combined with work. I was drinking too much alchohol in order to cope. When I say too much I mean a bottle of wine a night. Not total drunkenness but not healthy either.
A number of factors give me slight hope. She said she we were drinking too much alcohol and it made her uncomfortable. She said she wasn't doing enough exercise. When she was in India she started meditating heavily. She also said last year she believed she was emotionally damaged. There have been times when I have lashed out at her. I always immediately apologised but having read more on PTSD and BPD I understand that my behaviour was the opposite of what was required or healthy for someone like her. I believe she is trying to do what she can to lead a balanced healthy life. There has never been a shouting match between us, never verbal abuse. But I also think travelling around India on her own a lot of the time and having huge excesses of time to think isn't really a great idea for her and leads to a lot of strange disassociated mixed messages.
As I say I'm very close to staying on friendly terms and walking away. I can’t see my life working with someone who is so unstable in every way. But seeing what look like efforts on her part to work on herself I don’t want to drop her further down a dark well. Neither do I want to become a care giver for the rest of my life. I would like to find a way of getting her into the appropriate treatment because it seems like I am the only person in her life who thinks she needs it. Having read a lot of stuff on the internet I've come around to the idea that it is C-PTSD.
Finally a year ago she made the decision to move to my country and in with me. During this time I had no idea but I recently found out she has been diagnosed with PTSD. We lived together for year, introduced each other to family etc. Last February she had to go to India for 1 months work and decided to travel the country for the next 4 months. We made plans to be together during the whole summer. She also decided to move to my town and start college here in the fall.
We kept on touch every day and suddenly inexplicably in March she went into a Vipassana meditation retreat, came out and “broke up with me” by email but also sent a raft of other emails with mixed messages. There were angry email exchanges which have now de-escalated into more cordial warm messages. I finally went to a psychologist and told the whole story because to be honest I was feeling extremely bewildered and shell shocked by her behaviour. The psychologist suggested borderline personality disorder. In the last 4 years her father has died (who she adored), she suffered brain injury from a car accident, she completed 3 degrees but as of yet has not been in employment save for short term waitressing jobs.
She has spent in total about 1 year and a half travelling around India on her own. She does not get on very well with her mother. Mother has new boyfriend who lives in the family home.
I have come to the conclusion that she needs therapy of some kind. (Currently she takes no medication and follows no therapy). I have also come to the conclusion that If I try to pursue a relationship with her it is doomed to failure unless she acknowledges and pursues some therapy.
My question is this. how do I communicate with her without making her feel like a “damaged” person and how do I bring up the subject of therapy? 90 percent of the time we are together it is blissfully peaceful and happy, 10 percent is a nightmare. She says and does incredibly hurtful things when there is a separation. She feels a desperate need to travel yet isn't taking cohesive steps to find some kind of stability job wise or likewise. She does not know which job she wants and her ideas change frequently. And to put it further into perspective, last December we were close to having children. February she told me how much she loved me. March, April, I am “no longer in her future, never a couple”, May-”I’ll see you soon, I think about you a lot, I miss you deeply”.
I don’t think anybody could have a relationship like this, and I know I need to put some boundaries somewhere. Going to the psychologist was incredibly helpful as well. It was like a veil had been lifted from eyes. I had previously no experience of mental illness and for that reason her behaviour was really driving me close to insanity. Having lived a year with her I also realised that my behaviour could be quite detrimental to her. I was going through an extremely stressful period in college/ combined with work. I was drinking too much alchohol in order to cope. When I say too much I mean a bottle of wine a night. Not total drunkenness but not healthy either.
A number of factors give me slight hope. She said she we were drinking too much alcohol and it made her uncomfortable. She said she wasn't doing enough exercise. When she was in India she started meditating heavily. She also said last year she believed she was emotionally damaged. There have been times when I have lashed out at her. I always immediately apologised but having read more on PTSD and BPD I understand that my behaviour was the opposite of what was required or healthy for someone like her. I believe she is trying to do what she can to lead a balanced healthy life. There has never been a shouting match between us, never verbal abuse. But I also think travelling around India on her own a lot of the time and having huge excesses of time to think isn't really a great idea for her and leads to a lot of strange disassociated mixed messages.
As I say I'm very close to staying on friendly terms and walking away. I can’t see my life working with someone who is so unstable in every way. But seeing what look like efforts on her part to work on herself I don’t want to drop her further down a dark well. Neither do I want to become a care giver for the rest of my life. I would like to find a way of getting her into the appropriate treatment because it seems like I am the only person in her life who thinks she needs it. Having read a lot of stuff on the internet I've come around to the idea that it is C-PTSD.
