Relationship I Need Advice. Has Anyone Had An Issue Like This?

[Christopherhg]

This is my first time posting so here goes.
The issue: she is afraid of a certain body part.

My wife has PTSD. We have been together for three years and I have been with her throughout the trauma and recovery. It happened just before we officially started dating while she was away at college. We have overcome some major hurdles together and she has come a long way, but apparently there are certain things that were not dealt with properly. We have been having intimacy issues lately and she finally told me why. So you know our sex life was fine before, there were the occasional times she was stressed but otherwise it was great.

For the past few months though every time I tried getting intimate (it was usually me because her meds messed with her libido) she said she was too nervous or scared but she didn't know why. I said it was fine and we moved on. Lately this has been putting strain on our relationship because she gets stressed from almost any form of intimacy because she feels sex will follow, even if its not my intention. So she told me the other day why she gets scared. She is afraid of male genitals, even mine. She can't even look at it. She feels that I'm good and the penis is bad, that it and I are two separate things.

We are going to go to therapy about it but I wanted to know if anyone else has had this problem or something similar. I want her to be able to accept all of me so she won't have to be afraid anymore.

 

[Annie B]

I can't tell you how to fix this problem (I don't know), but I can assure you you're not alone, your situation is not that unusual, and her issue is not a reflection of her feelings for you.

I have similar issues, though I can't say I'm afraid of genitals, I just don't enjoy sex all that much. I never have, and sometimes I dread doing it. I can't relax enough to enjoy it and it's difficult get in the right place emotionally (and physically). And because it is difficult I get anxious and the circle continues. And no, my trauma was not sex-related.

I love my husband (going on 6 years) and he is patient with me most of the time. He has accepted the fact that his sex life is pretty lame, and that makes me feel worse. I also avoid intimacy because he always wants sex. It seems that way at least. My therapist suggested applying intimacy levels and agreeing on them. For example kissing could be 1, sex would be 5 and you can fill the rest in. If she thinks you're after a 5 and isn't ready you can see if she's up for a 2 or 3. Get me? It's not very romantic, but it might help with the communication at least. :)

It sounds to me like therapy is the right thing for you both. Remember, though, that therapy takes time and there is no quick fix. Women generally connect emotionally and mentally first and the physical follows. If something is wrong with the way she is processing the world and her emotions, that step will be a bit more challenging than you would like. It is hard for her too, I'm sure.

I hope your session goes well!

 

[Deleted member 23044]

For a long time I viewed the penis as like some kind of alien attachment, and NOT part of the regular human body.... like it was an alien creature that used the body as a host. I really relate to her there. I spose it has something to do with dealing with a penis when you really didn't want to... in my case, anyway, and then having something of a relationship with the person who the penis was attached to(that person was kind mostly, gentle, favored me, funny, mostly "good" etc.). See how the disconnect might form there?

I don't really have any advice either... I just suppress those feelings and either enjoy sex and feel like a whore or dissociate during sex. I can go for long periods not having sex(not being interested in it)... and then have periods where I'm horny all the time. It's put a strain on my relationship, as well, actually.

Hope things get better for her, and you!

 

[Christopherhg]

Thank you for the replies. The intimacy levels thing sounds like a good idea. We can have sex when I make it "feel right," you know, like we are going to make love and not just have sex. It is hard on her. She thinks she is a terrible wife because of it but I try to assure her that she is not. Also I hope I made it clear that it is not about the sex, it's about the closeness that has gone away since and we both want back. Thank you for the support!