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I recently (very quietly) started opening up in therapy, but I feel very confused and keep denying everything!


New Here
Hello. On this website I have given myself this name “4N0N9h057” because I’m trying to be as anonymous as possible. I will also be cautious about the details. I wasn’t sure what forum I should post this in, I hope this is ok.

A a year and 4 months ago I met my therapist for the first time. Because of “personal stuff” I decided to wait, even though I really wanted to start because at that time I had started getting flashbacks and it was super hard, but it wasn’t the right time.

In October last year I started up again. I have a problem with dissociating (pretty much as soon as we’re in the same room), but I have managed to get some stuff through the past two sessions. But I feel very confused. I was molested by my (past tense, he’s not here anymore) stepfather at the age of 16, I am 23 now. 16 is what I remember, but I feel as if my memory is getting worse, worse and worse. Just touching the surface of it all makes me sometimes deny it, like I’m trying to forget even more of it, or just continues myself it never happened or that it “wasn’t a big deal.” I know it’s a big deal, every SA, every harm, is a big deal, but i dont know, maybe I’m just trying to protect myself?

Last night was very uncomfortable. I started feeling strange feelings, very dissociative, not being able to figure out what I was feeling or where I was, but what I know is that I thought about the past on repeat. My breathing was fast and when I realised it was fast, I felt like I couldn’t breathe, so I did my best to take a deep breath and when I did that, I felt something, but I don’t know what—I just shortly felt something that made my eyes shortly water. I kept repeating the words “No”, “Help”, and “it’s gonna be OK” in my thoughts. I couldn’t think straight, but at the same time I got a feeling that I’m faking it, and that’s super weird. Now and then I’d just suddenly think “am I doing this for attention?” and that’d get me feeling egotistical and I’d go straight to feeling like a needy, annoying and bad person. That’d just go in a loop, over and over.

And I felt aroused. I didn’t want to feel aroused during this, I wanted it to stop so badly. But it wasn’t the same kind of aroused as it is when I actually want to feel aroused, it was more like… I don’t know, I just wanted it to go away so badly, but it stayed there until I finally fell asleep. I felt my whole abdomen and inner thighs feel heavy, sensitive (with that I mean I could feel every single thing—pants, underwear—touching my skin and it was uncomfortable and warm. I’m sorry if I’m sharing too many details, I’m just trying to make sense of it.

This morning I came again, but this time I masturbated and the shame I felt afterwards was intense. Then I truly felt like …”ok, so I did like what he did to me? So it actually isn’t a big deal?” Something like that. And I felt so very ashamed and that I just really don’t wanna share this with my therapy, ANYONE. Now I’m sitting here sharing it on the internet (lol), but I just really need some advice, something, words, just need to know what the actual **** is wrong with me. I just wanted to cry!
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I am so sorry that this has happened to you, and that you're going through this.

It sounds like you're having a normal reaction to an abnormal situation, which is how I would describe PTSD and C-PTSD.

Why do you feel like you can't share this with your T?

If its due to the shame that you feel, you should know that this is also normal.

You had something happen to you, that shouldn't have happened.

Now you're dealing with the normal feelings that come with ANY sort of trauma.

I hope you're okay.

I have an ear whenever you may need it

I may not have all the answers. Wish I did.

But I'm here 🫶👂🩷
I have gone through very similar experiences and feelings as far as how you describe the Flashbacks. They are physical, audible sometimes. I question their validity. I struggle to believe I'm not somehow forcing these to happen etc. It's a very common response and being here on boards like this and listening to people describe over and over similar experiences, I realize I'm not crazy and this is PTSD.

When you start to talk about it. It brings it more to the surface. Opening up to your T is just letting it come out. Stirring up the memories.

You aren't crazy or making it up. My T always says it doesn't even matter if it's true because your brain is bringing it up for a reason and you need to listen to it and work through it to heal.

Posting here has been extremely helpful for me. I hope you stick around! Hugs!
Well done for sharing here. It's very brave addressing all of this.

Everything you are feeling, and thinking, and experiencing: is all very common when exploring these painful and traumatic experiences. We've all been through variations of it.

The beauty of this site is that we are anonymous. So love that you have a name that helps you with that. most of us don't want to be identified. No way I would post any of the things here if people could identify me.

It's so incredibly painful sharing what has happened. It's very common to have all sorts of reactions when first sharing. the confusion. the 'backlash' from sharing. the feelings of shame. the self doubt. the self criticism. the retraction and wanting to deny the awfulness of it. the wanting to make it our fault. something wrong with us. the disassociation because it's so overwhelming. the 'arousal' or some form of feeling or familiar feeling, mixed with shame and self hate.
Lots of us have been there with all of that.
These are, however, all signs of how the abuse impacted us. And, the good news is: it can get better. It doesn't need to remain this painful.

Go gently. Go slowly. Processing all of this takes time. A step forward here and there.
I feel very lucky to have found this website. Reading these three replies from @BrokenHalo91x, @Quassus and @Movingforward10 have made this evening feel safer and calmer than what it had been the past few days. I have a pretty available T (she’ll usually reply to texts the same day or the day after I text something, but unfortunately—but also very understandably haha—not after 3PM, but that’s sadly when things gets hard and I tend to have a even harder time talking about things when it’s over and that’s either because of shame or feeling guilty about being so annoyingly needy and I’d get disappointed and irritated with myself for not just …being able to talk and get it out and sometimes it’s simply because I’ve already got it a little repressed and forgotten, which irritates me and makes me feel like I’m faking it and then I go straight to feeling like a bad and manipulative person.
But I feel so very lucky to have found this site. I feel grateful for your replies. I feel it’s okay, and if it’s not okay …it’s gonna be okay.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you very much.