I Saw His Face

[MouseWedger]

I made a terrible mistake the other day. I dont know why I did it. I signed onto a Facebook account I share with my two younger sisters and looked up my assailant. I dont know why. Hes changed a lot since highschool and since I last saw him at that party in college when everything happened. Now Im afraid to sleep.

Last night I dreamed of him.

I was walking into a cafe and he was following me. I knew he was there but I tried to ignore him in my dream. I had someone to meet at the cafe, Im not sure who. I found them and sat down at the little metal round table with its matching chairs. I never looked the person that I waswas meeting in the face, that I was meeting, just kept looking down and sideways at him. He sat down at a table next to us and just watched me. I started shaking my head and saying "I cant do this. I cant do this anymore." Then I got up and ran out.

Evem though Im awake and havent made that mistake again, his red hair, his glasses, his beard. They're all right there. Right in front of my face. I dont want to sleep. Why did I do it?

 

[Shellbell]

It is common for sufferers of abuse to try and keep track of their abusers. I've done it as well. I googled my worst abuser and found out information online from a newspaper local to where he lives. My husband didn't understand why I googled him, until I showed him in book on trauma that it is common.

Don't beat yourself up about it. I hope your nightmares ease, I have them constantly and I understand how horrible they are.

 

[MouseWedger]

I haven't had nightmares about it since it happened really. There are the constant reminders to be sure, but my mind has done well at keeping me safe in my dreams until now. I guess it's my own fault for finding his face again, right? I think I did it because we recently moved back home, and home is where he is. When I drive past my parents house, I see his car (I assume its his, it's where he used to park it all the time) parked on the road between their driveway and the neighbors. He was always friends with a friend of mine's brother, and they live across the street.I figured that I wanted to see his face from the safety of my own couch and computer before I ran into it on the street. Too bad I didn't realize in doing so I let him into my home.

 

[piratelady]

I am sorry this has brought up so much anxiety for you. It sounds like it is a common thing to do, according to Shellbell. I have done the same thing. I wish I had some great advice for you to help this pass more quickly, but I don't. :hug:

 

[MouseWedger]

Thank you both. I think I'll be OK so long as I don't actually see his face out in the world. I'm still adjusting to being back here, where he, my stalker ex and Devil Lady are. Maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment having moved back here. Oh well. I just need to get through the holidays, and then Easter. Summer will be here before I know it and I'll have all sorts of gardening and home improvement projects to keep me busy :woot:

 

[Abstract]

Sorry to hear this mouse. It seems like a compulsion sometimes to be drawn to things relating to trauma doesn't it? :(

I don't know if this helps but it sounds like you were investigating some power in that dream as you ran away.:tup: I think the plus side of this horrible stuff intruding is that maybe we can work through some of it. I hate, hate these types of nightmares so do feel for you. I hope you start feeling safer.

 

[MouseWedger]

Thanks Abstract. And it does help - maybe I was investigating a little like you said. :peeking:Just a peek or two at it maybe. Summer will make me feel safe again - it always does because it means the anniversary is past. It means I've survived another year.

 

[MouseWedger]

My cousins new wife just posted this on Facebook... I think maybe God or Whoever is up there was wav ing the flag in front of my face with this one. Maybe it wasn't a night mare after all :)

We gain strength, courage and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot do. -Eleanor Roosevelt

 

[blue-Ocean]

Curiosity that's why you did it,one half wanted to see while your other half did not but you did in the end the urge was too strong,i know the feeling as i looked up my abusers home on Google street and i don't know why i couldn't help myself from doing it,i then slept with the light on for days on end,i may have saw but the affects were not worth seeing it,but again curiosity is in a humans nature even if we don't really want to see the urge is always there and we must fight it,and after all we survived those people because we are stronger than them.

 

[piratelady]

It means I've survived another year.

I really like this. It is such a positive aspect of a not so positive anniversary :)

 

[MouseWedger]

Thank you Pirate. I try to look at it this way, because when people refer to people in situations like mine, thye use the word "victim" too much. I am not a victim. I am a survivor. I survived what happened to me - I may be scarred and bruised, but I survived and I will continue to do so. I am not a victim.

 

[Sues]

I may be scarred and bruised, but I survived and I will continue to do so. I am not a victim.

Yes, you will! I too have looked up my abuser. I didn't know it was common either until I read this thread. I felt stupid that I was curious about him. I am sorry that you've had this bring nightmares and I hope that you continue to gain strength.