Relationship I Think He Is Abusing Me

[JeanD]

Hello. I am very new to the site, and was reading some wonderful posts. I stumbled across this one "How Do I Ask For Space Without Being Rude?" and became very scared.

Please know I (w/bipolar) am doing my best to take care of me and to be a supporter for my boyfriend (PTSD from childhood trauma). I stopped drinking, go to my counselor, work in my workbooks, and even read books for my knowledge in regards to his struggles with PTSD and childhood sexual abuse.

He abruptly moved out January 2012. (second time since July (came home in October)) since we started dating in March 2011. He did leave a note both times stating he was messed up and needed some space, but of course it is still very difficult. This time however, he stated that he needs me, he loves me, and he wants to keep in contact.

Some would say that is a good thing, I am not so sure anymore :( He literally works 90 hours a week, which I step back and respect and understand. Our time is very sparse. And unfortunately our time if it be him coming over for an hour (usually for sex), or just texting (which ends up him lashing out at me) is not quality time.

I know he struggles. He seems to invite my support, however, turns around and says and does hurtful things. He does not go to counseling, yet I sit here and join this great website, read constantly, and try like heck to take care of my own things.

Please help, am I being abused? I really dont' know...

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[timetorecover]

Hi JeadD, Welcome!
I started the thread of How to Ask For Space Without Being Rude.
I cannot imagine how difficult it is to support someone with PTSD. I do know how difficult it is to live with though, with or without therapy. Forgive me for saying, but if he is not trying to learn and help himself, he is neglecting himself and taking advantage of you.

It is easy to take things out on our supporters and yes I suppose it is abuse. I have learnt to notice what is going on and step back. I do crave space though, to prevent me from burning rage. I think the feeling of not having space can only truly be understood when you have someone in your space and they do not understand or respect your feelings. When I do not get space to breathe, I feel the monster in me bursting to get out.

Well done for learning about PTSD, it is actually quite interesting!

As far as if you would class your relationship, it is difficult to say on the back of what you have said, although if I am honest, if either of my kids said that they were in a relationship with a PTSD partner, I would be devastated. I honestly think it is a lifetime thing and whatever anyone says it will always rear its ugly head at some point.

Good Luck and sorry if I seem negative! :unsure:

 

[JeanD]

Thank you timetorecover. I do not feel or think you have been negative. You are a sufferer of PTSD, in my heart, it means (on this website anway) you try to express the truth.

I am very able to understand a life-long committment with another who has a mental illness, because I too have an illness (bipolar). I know how hard it is to struggle with yourself in your own brain. And I belive you could understand those words.

My post was toned down, because I am learning still of what to post and what not to post. However, I understand space. I believe he did the best he could writing a letter and briefly trying to explain. When he expressed he needed me, loved me, and didn't want to lose me, I was even more strong to support his decision to get his necessary space.

The time is now going on 3 months. His words are very harsh to me. I am his only lash out girl. And for someone reason in my gut, think he is lying about something. It hurts, because since January I literally have spent about 15 hours with him. Our love was so deep, and like a fairy tale. Now it is like a horror movie. I will keep reading, and I am already giving him space,but now...I just feel like he does not want me around at all anymore.

Jean

 

[timetorecover]

Hi Jean, wow 15 hours since January is more like a huge gab than a bit of space. I am sorry, you seem to be very upset about this and I am sure that it is taking its toll on you. In my opinion, it is not an ideal situation and if he is lashing out at you, emotionally or physically, you need to protect yourself!
You refer to your love as a horror movie and that you suspect he is lying to you.
You have to ask yourself, is it worth it? You have been in love with him, shared good times previously, but now, what is he giving you? It doesn't sound like much, apart from heartache!
I would say, play him the ultimatum card??
Sorry, I am really honest and I post the reply without reading it back! :rolleyes:

 

[unalaa]

Ask yourself what it is you need or don't need from this relationship. That will help you decide your path forward.

PS: PTSD does not give him license to treat you poorly.

 

[doglover]

PTSD does not give him license to treat you poorly - I agree.

Partners isolate sometimes. It helps them feel like they are protecting the people they don't want to hurt when they are struggling with symptoms.

While you are trying to figure out what to do I would suggest that you consider gentle boundary-setting if he lashes out in a text. Something very gentle, in case he self-guilts and self-shames easily. Maybe something like, "It hurts my feelings when you talk to me that way."

 

[Eleanor]

When my H's PTSD got acute, and things were very bad (lots of anger and projection onto me) I had to think long and hard about what to do about it. I've done work with battered women's shelters, and been trained to do workshops on violence in relationships. So I know the patterns. I know the stories. I had to ask myself exactly your question: is it abuse? Here is the conclusion I reached: the sole difference between a garden variety emotionally abusive relationship and a "healthy" relationship with someone with PTSD is the sufferer's acknowledgement of, taking responsibility for the effects of, and 100% commitment to doing whatever it takes to treat the PTSD. If the sufferer has not acknowledged the disorder, or does not take responsibility for its harmful effects on others, or is not actively seeking treatment - it is just abuse. If the sufferer IS doing all these things - then PTSD episodes are unfortunate set of involuntary responses that are being actively dealt with.

That's my two cents. Sorry it is not more hopeful.:(

 

[unalaa]

Ask yourself what it is you need or don't need from this relationship. That will help you decide your path forward.

PS: PTSD does not give him license to treat you poorly.

The above is my response pre-caffeinated, hence the brevity. Let's see if I can elaborate now that I've had some coffee... :)

Jean - After reading your posts, I feel like you are at some kind of tipping point. I think this is probably a good time to evaluate what it is you want... in the future, in life, in this relationship and in other relationships. You matter and what you want matters. Be gentle with yourself no matter what conclusions you come to or what path you choose to take, and please, please take care of yourself.

My ex was diagnosed with ADHD, PTSD from multiple traumas in childhood, and then later after a tour in the Gulf - he discovered he had been retraumatized and developed anxiety and panic attacks. Myself, I have my own PTSD issues (which I won't elaborate on this thread). I think that when we first started the relationship, one of the things we bonded over was our similar experiences. We lived together for 2.5 yrs before we got married and were married for 7 yrs.

Over time, things between us changed. We had 2 sons. We both worked a lot, which we had always done but with the added responsibility of a family. He had always done work on the side, but then started his own business on top of his regular job. We didn't make time for each other. Stress increased negative behaviors on both of our parts. He was verbally and emotionally abusive, and was perpetually stuck in "attack" mode. I withdrew into myself and became barely functional except for those things I had to do, like work and deal with the kids. I wanted to make things work desperately. I went to counseling and begged him to come with me. He refused because he didn't see a problem.

It was horrible. My ex had gone from being my best friend and primary confidante to someone who had become a stranger and it hurt terribly. For many years I excused his behaviors. I believed that some of it at least was his PTSD. I believed that some of it was "just the way he was". I accepted that he had been scarred and emotionally hurt, and I accepted that his treating me poorly was ok because it was part of the package, and I believed it would get better. I knew I was responding to him through my own baggage and it was hurting both of us.

I began to realize that it wasn't going to get any better and that if we continued on together as a family, two more people - our sons - were going to be hurt. That was my tipping point. Hurting them was unacceptable. Once I embraced that thought, then I began to realize I didn't deserve to be treated that way either. I started sticking up for myself. We fought more, our relationship became more abusive. I loved him, and still do. I thought he was the love of my life, and he is the father of my children. I wanted him (and I) to be healthier for us as a couple and for our family, but he didn't see the need to change anything. He fought counseling again and then fought me every inch of the way against our divorce. It wasn't easy.

Hindsight being 20/20, I feel now that had I knew how to take care of myself emotionally prior to my marriage and children, my life would have been very different. We may still have married and divorced, but maybe the path to healing would have been shorter.

edited for clarity

 

[ProudWife99]

In my opinion, if you are wondering whether you're being abused...then you are (in most cases). The abuse may not be intentional (in most cases with PTSD it isn't) but it is still abuse.

 

[Pale Warrior]

From my reading of your posts:

You are not getting anything out of this relationship except unhappiness - let him go. Let him get on with his life... Oh, except that he already is.

You barely know this person, the "wonderful" times you had were the "honeymoon" period that most of us mistake for love and is most often just a chemical infatuation with a bit of self delusion to make it "perfect". Real love, honest love, comes further down the line and is based on respect and integrity and a commitment to the future together.

It would involve him taking ownership of his problems and doing something about them.

What it does not involve is you sitting around waiting for scraps from his table or a slap in the face (metaphor)

My heart goes out to you, best of luck & stay safe, x

 

[Meadowsweet]

No, you're not being abused. But you have a right to your own life, and if this relationship isn't working then you have a right to your own happiness without guilt.

He is ill, and needs to sort himself out. That ok, he can do that. And its his responsibility to do that.

But you need to look after you, and it is your responsibility to look after your own feelings right now.

I hope that doesn't sound harsh.

 

[Hashi]

Our love was so deep, and like a fairy tale. Now it is like a horror movie.

This sets off an alarm for me, and I was also struck that you said your post was toned down.

I'd suggest you read Lundy Bancroft's book, "Why does he do that?", to help you consider whether this is an abusive relationship. He explains the dynamics of abuse (for both parties) in a non-judgemental way. He also explains what's happening when a wonderful new relationship changes into an abusive one, and how to approach things when you feel you need to make allowances for someone's problems (like addiction) and life history.

I'm not saying you're in an abusive relationship, I couldn't know. I just wanted to recommend the book if you're asking yourself that question.

Sending you good wishes,

Hashi