About a year ago I had the worst day of my life ever.
A lot of things happened that day, and I know it was just one day out of my entire life but by the end of that day it was as if a gate opened up and I was touched by hell.
I remember toward the end of that day I just couldn't stop... Screaming. It sounds so bizarre because I usually have a pretty good sense of self control but that day I screamed and screamed after everything... And it was like there was a little pop in my head, and then I didn't feel anything. For months after, even happy moments had no feeling and there was this layer of glass between the rest of the world and me.
I somehow managed to convince myself I was no longer human. Not figuratively, I mean literally, I started to think and believe I screamed so hard that my soul flew out, and I was just some sort of husk. Truth be told I still feel that way, and I'm not even religious. I feel that way but I know if I explain it then people will know I am not right in the head.
I dealt with this by burying myself in my work, I became a model employee and highly depended on, promotions came easily because it was all I had. Like a vampire, I began to avoid my family and friends because they were no longer like me; I just feel like i cant be around them anymore because they will suffer because of me, and I still continue to do so.
I know it's not rational, but truth be told I almost believe that my soulless husk will steal from them, so I stay away.
I know that sounds crazy :/
Working hard was almost therapeutic to me, the better I did the happier I became-- watching success from my hard efforts slowly restored my confidence. I even dared to get close to a guy and start a relationship. I still feel inhuman of course but I feel like he's the one person who sees what I am and what I do and is unaffected by it.
... But when I ended up getting laid off, everything came crashing down again.
Watching the professional success wither to ash makes me feel like I just might be cursed. Like all of this was meant to happen.
All the free time in unemployment has been damaging to say the least. There is nothing to keep my head buried in the sand and pretend like I'm just like everyone else.
I've lost most of my friends now because I failed to keep in contact with them. It's just so hard to reach out and communicate. I feel like it takes too much effort.
I want to talk to someone about everything but it is so hard because now leaving the house just takes so much effort. Going to the store just to get food is now a battle. It takes me two hours to convince myself to go-- imagine talking yourself into squirting soap in your eyes, weighing out the pros and cons, trying to convince yourself to do it. That is what this is like.
Now even my special boyfriend is starting to ask 'what happened to you?'
Yet I just can't bring myself to tell him what kind of hole I'm in. I don't know what to say and my capability to speak stops working. So he is going to leave me because he thinks I just don't care. I do care but it is so hard to gather the energy to show it.
My amount of energy is so low that I can't even get out of bed today. Bad things happen when I step from it, so I stay in if to protect myself and I am actually posting this from my phone.
It gets worse and worse, and even though I don't feel suicidal, I just can't help but feel like the end of the line will come up and I don't have the energy to avoid it.
I think I need help, but I don't want to leave home. What am I going to do? How do I even find help?
A lot of things happened that day, and I know it was just one day out of my entire life but by the end of that day it was as if a gate opened up and I was touched by hell.
I remember toward the end of that day I just couldn't stop... Screaming. It sounds so bizarre because I usually have a pretty good sense of self control but that day I screamed and screamed after everything... And it was like there was a little pop in my head, and then I didn't feel anything. For months after, even happy moments had no feeling and there was this layer of glass between the rest of the world and me.
I somehow managed to convince myself I was no longer human. Not figuratively, I mean literally, I started to think and believe I screamed so hard that my soul flew out, and I was just some sort of husk. Truth be told I still feel that way, and I'm not even religious. I feel that way but I know if I explain it then people will know I am not right in the head.
I dealt with this by burying myself in my work, I became a model employee and highly depended on, promotions came easily because it was all I had. Like a vampire, I began to avoid my family and friends because they were no longer like me; I just feel like i cant be around them anymore because they will suffer because of me, and I still continue to do so.
I know it's not rational, but truth be told I almost believe that my soulless husk will steal from them, so I stay away.
I know that sounds crazy :/
Working hard was almost therapeutic to me, the better I did the happier I became-- watching success from my hard efforts slowly restored my confidence. I even dared to get close to a guy and start a relationship. I still feel inhuman of course but I feel like he's the one person who sees what I am and what I do and is unaffected by it.
... But when I ended up getting laid off, everything came crashing down again.
Watching the professional success wither to ash makes me feel like I just might be cursed. Like all of this was meant to happen.
All the free time in unemployment has been damaging to say the least. There is nothing to keep my head buried in the sand and pretend like I'm just like everyone else.
I've lost most of my friends now because I failed to keep in contact with them. It's just so hard to reach out and communicate. I feel like it takes too much effort.
I want to talk to someone about everything but it is so hard because now leaving the house just takes so much effort. Going to the store just to get food is now a battle. It takes me two hours to convince myself to go-- imagine talking yourself into squirting soap in your eyes, weighing out the pros and cons, trying to convince yourself to do it. That is what this is like.
Now even my special boyfriend is starting to ask 'what happened to you?'
Yet I just can't bring myself to tell him what kind of hole I'm in. I don't know what to say and my capability to speak stops working. So he is going to leave me because he thinks I just don't care. I do care but it is so hard to gather the energy to show it.
My amount of energy is so low that I can't even get out of bed today. Bad things happen when I step from it, so I stay in if to protect myself and I am actually posting this from my phone.
It gets worse and worse, and even though I don't feel suicidal, I just can't help but feel like the end of the line will come up and I don't have the energy to avoid it.
I think I need help, but I don't want to leave home. What am I going to do? How do I even find help?
