Relationship I Think My Girlfriend Has Ptsd

[SunriseLover]

Hello, I am new here and I really hope someone can help me and my girlfriend.

I met my girlfriend 4 months ago, and the night we met she told me about her year deployment in Kuwait that she had returned from a month earlier. She also was physically (not sexually) abused as a child and her other two serious relationships she was cheated on for at least 6 months in each and physically abused in the last relationship.

We began dating almost immediately and the first 3 and 1/2 months were...well...magical! We absolutely adore each other and whenever we had a disagreement, we would immediately resolve it and everything was fine. About a month ago that changed. In the beginning, also, she would constantly tell me how calm she is around me and that she gets mad really easily when I'm not around.

The cute texts and forgiveness stopped. She began getting irritated with me about the littlest things and stopped wanting to see me. She complained constantly about being tired and would miss our dates and plans because she fell asleep. She kept telling me she was feeling very down and has never felt this way and that she is scared and she never feels scared. I have told her since this all began about a month ago that I am here for her and I won't leave her. I haven't physically seen her in almost a month.

The last couple times I saw her it was really great, she opened up and talked about what's bothering her a little. She still sees her mom almost everyday and talks to friends on social media like everything is fine (saying I miss you, using smiley faces, saying she is excited to see them), but she won't see me and hardly talks to me. She calls me after work almost every day and talks to me and it seems like everything is fine, but when I try to make plans to actually see her she refuses.

I was so frustrated recently that I asked her if she even wants to be with me any more and she said I do, but I'm so f***ed up right now. She will only respond to what I perceive as 'safe' texts like good morning, how are you, but if I try to talk to her about anything she says nothing.

Like I said I won't leave her, but I'm just at a loss for what to do. Any and all help/advice would be appreciated.

 

[ClairBear226]

Take a look on the US Veteran's Affairs site. I believe there used to be a PTSD test on there. Whether or not she'd be willing to take it, I couldn't say, but it might be a place to begin. Be sure to check out the WIKI section here. There is a wealth of information. Honestly, if she's that depressed, I would start asking some serious questions about how bad the depression really is, and what other symptoms she might be having. It seems that locating a therapist might be a good idea. My (now) husband stuck with me 20 years ago in the early days of my initial PTSD diagnosis, when we were first dating, and though we've had some rocky times, we are still together. Good luck to you.

 

[Namaste01]

Hey @SunriseLover,
Her actions toward you are very similar to my own with people who I am dating or "trying to date".

Take a look at the symptoms regarding guilt/shame. It can be very difficult to be accepting of good things into ones life. It could be to do with the fear of her own death/ or you dying and pushing you away to protect herself or even you (she did say she feels unsafe). Isolation and sleeping is a sign of worsening depression, it could be after an episode of anxiety (her feeling unsafe) it can be physically exhausting. It may be hard for her to accept change as well, something may have triggered her anxiety, leading to depression she may have now. However, if you give her, her own space it may be helpful, feeling constantly bombarded could cause anxiety to flare up again.

Remember that thoughts can be very irrational, and she may not be able to even understand her own thoughts.

My therapist tries to get me to do at least 1 or 2 things per week that make me "happy" or get me active to help relieve depression. Perhaps, ask her if you can bring over tea or something you know that she likes? That way there is a definite as to what you are doing, and her mind shouldn't get muddled trying to figure out how to get ready etc. However, if she says no just accept it don't push or make her feel she has let you down.

 

[SunriseLover]

Thanks for your replies ClairBear226 and Namaste01! I appreciate it. Namaste01, she has told me that she doesn't know how she feels, that she can't explain it. She has had some physical health problems (which are unresolved and honestly I think stem from psychological distress because she is otherwise perfectly healthy-doctors said that too) and she is frustrated about that. I know she has bad anxiety, she talks to me about it, and I know what triggers it for her, but it involves things like driving and being around a lot of people, which she must do every day for work.

However, one night on the phone she was telling me how exhausted she is and I said gently (I think!) babe, have you ever thought that maybe what you're going through isn't just physical, but might have an emotional/mental dimension? Maybe you could talk to your doctor. And she said angrily there's nothing to talk about. I have backed off in the last week or so in regard to all the I'm here for you, I love you messages.

Namaste01, as far as asking her to do things together, like watch a movie for example, I should keep asking even if she keeps saying no or blowing me off? Again thank you both so much.

 

[Sftbll2003]

SunriseLover, I'm kinda of going through something similar with my boyfriend. The only difference is that he told me he was done, and that he wanted to be left alone. He acts fine with his family and friends but treats me the opposite. We dated for 3 months and those 3 months were great! He was all about me. I have never had anyone treat with that much respect. He talked about how much he liked me to his family and friends all the time. We had a disagreement 3 weeks ago and the next morning he said he was done. He suffers from PTSD and I wish I knew how to help understand we can make it.

 

[Snowangel1225]

I have to wonder if it's all or nothing with PTSD sufferers? L and my first couple of months were wonderful...best relationship I had ever had...until I inadvertently did something that hurt him. Instantly, we were done in his head. He went from loving and attentive to treating me like I was dead to him. I gave him a generic apology (whatever it was that I did to upset you, I'm sorry) and that was enough for him to start opening up and tell me what was bothering him and why. It also gave me a chance to explain that I didn't intend to hurt him. He knows he over-reacts to things but it doesn't change the fact that he's hurt and he retreats. Then a couple of weeks ago I sent him a text that he misinterpreted and again, we were done in his head. That one lasted a week before I showed up on his doorstep and asked him what had happened. Again, we talked and now I understand what he was thinking and he understands what I meant in the text. We are still working our way back from the last one. I'm giving him more space and honestly, I've distanced myself some too. I'm not sure I can handle a relationship that has crazy ups and downs over basically nothing. I guess in a way, I am mentally protecting myself for when it happens again...because it will.

 

[Sftbll2003]

Snowangel1225, that's kind of what happened with me! At least your boyfriend is listening to you. Mine has totally "isolated" himself from me. He said something that upset me and when I tried to explain why he would not listen and would only see it his way. That's what caused the break up. I have talked to him a few times, the last time was last Friday. This week he has not answered the phone or texts. I wish I could find a way to get to him and explain things but he will not listen. When I was able to talk to him and try to explain things it seemed like it was just getting worse. Maybe if he has time to cool off he will call me. I don't know! And I don't know what to do! Everything was great and all of a sudden it was over. My heart is broken!

 

[Snowangel1225]

Time is about all you can offer at this point. As I said, this last one lasted a week. I would text once a day to touch base with him and he might or might not answer. If he did, it was 12 to 24 hours after I texted and it was short and sweet...one to three words. It was very difficult and hurtful to me. I felt like I wasn't worth his time. Add that to my abandonment issues and I was a mess. My thoughts and behaviour were getting crazy and I could see that in myself, but I was helpless to stop it. Which led to me showing up in his doorstep. I wanted to know what was going on or I was going to be done. I couldn't sit back and feel like nothing to him any more. He never did say he was sorry, but he did say I mean a lot to him , he didn't want to lose me and he never meant to make me feel like I didn't matter which came as a total surprise after the week of being exiled from his life.

Now, I am not recommending confronting a sufferer the way I did. I knew when I did it, that it probably wasn't a good idea but in my case, it worked out ok. I think they get so deep into their hurt (whether real or imagined...it is very real to them) that they don't know how to let anyone in to get close to them and don't realize how hurtful their behavior can be.

 

[SunriseLover]

Wow you two I'm sorry for what you've gone through. I spoke with a friend who is in graduate school studying psychology and working with veterans with ptsd, and she gave me some good advice. I sent my girlfriend one of the messages she said and I'm waiting for a reply. Apparently the most important thing is to not put your feelings on the other person at all or they will feel blamed and attacked and retreat further. It's just hard to know where to go- I haven't seen her in three weeks, and she is hardly talking to me, yet says she still wants to be with me. What?!

 

[Sftbll2003]

SunriseLover do you mind sending me some of the advice? Please! Snowangel1225 I knew nothing about PTSD until a few days. I wish I knew what not to do because when he broke it off I expressed my feelings thinking it would help....apparently it made things worse! I hope I haven't done too much damage!

 

[SunriseLover]

Gosh I'm in the same boat as both of you. It seems to make no sense. My girlfriend is just not talking to me now. And I don't know when I'll see her next. I'd be happy to send you some of the advice. Do you want it on this thread?

 

[Sftbll2003]

If you don't mind, will you please send it as an email? Thank you so much