I Thought He Might Be Dead When He'd Only Fainted

[Core]

I'm not even quite sure what my question is, but I'd like some various views on this. My ex lived with me, he raped me in his sleep over and over, and he was abusive in many other ways, and of course, that's all turned out to be problematic for me. I didn't remember much of the relationship or other things that happened while he lived here, but memories have been coming back to me in the last weeks, and one "set" of them is really affecting me.

He would have fevers, pain and then fainting spells. Everything I can find says that you're supposed to continue breathing when you faint, but he didn't. I couldn't see his stomach or chest moving, I couldn't feel or see breathing from his mouth and nose. I'd do what you're supposed to do, get his legs up high, his head slightly backwards etc., but when he hadn't recovered for what seemed like a long time (considering he wasn't breathing), I'd try to breathe into his mouth. This would sometimes help, sometimes not. The times it didn't help, I panicked that he might be dead while also knowing that he'd likely only fainted.

Since I remembered the fainting spells, I've had some heavy flashbacks where I panic that he might be dead, but every time he fainted, he did recover, and I was there to see it. It's as if parts of me are stuck there, and they don't know that he turned out to be okay. This is problematic for me no matter what anyone says, but... is it even "reasonable" that I'm struggling with this? I knew after every time that he was okay, so why is this having such a huge impact now, afterwards, when the current me knows he's fine? Am I the most sensitive person alive, or would a lot of other people struggle with this too? I'm just looking for some opinions.

 

[ashdawn8287]

It does not pertain to the present, so no it is not rational. You should challenge those thoughts.

I am confused about his situation. I'm wondering if he doesn't have a problem mentally?

My fiancee does weird things in his sleep. One time he bit me really hard, then giggled after and does not remember it. For a week or so I would think that he woke up and we would have sex but he would wake up in the middle of it. I never thought of it as rape because I was aware and consented and it wasn't forceful. But it did leave me question what the heck? He fainted once while he was driving but I think it was more of an exhaustion thing. He has issues sleeping too.

I am sorry you went through that, that is traumatic and yes I think a lot of people would struggle with that. It seems like that whole situation just completely screwed with your brain. What you are experiencing is normal, but you have to realize it is not rational and challenge those thoughts.

 

[Core]

I was only talking about the rapes to give a bit of background information, it doesn't really have anything to do with the fainting spells. I'm glad your fiancee wasn't forceful in his sleep.

When I have flashbacks to him fainting, I genuinely do not remember that he was fine afterwards, I actually believe he might be dead in the memory, which is weird when he always turned out to be fine. I do eventually remember that he's still alive, that what I'm remembering isn't actually him dying, but up until that point I'm panicking that he is dead.

 

[ashdawn8287]

Are you on medication or seeking out therapy? I find the combination of both to be very beneficial in handing triggers and flashbacks.

PTSD is having a NORMAL reaction to an ABNORMAL situation. Remember that. Don't freak out about your triggers or you will just start triggering all the time. You experienced trauma, this is normal.

Try writing about your feelings you have when you are panicking. Ask yourself what am I feeling? What made me think of this? And anything else about that. I find it gives me a sense of control and deeper insight to my feelings. It helps making sense out of something that makes no sense, if that makes sense haha.

 

[Core]

I am waiting for therapy. :) And I do try to write about it.

I guess I sort of think it's silly of me to be struggling so with thinking he might be dead when it always turned out he was fine.

 

[ashdawn8287]

It's not silly, that was traumatic for you. I'm not sure how many times it happened, but I'm sure your body went into over drive with the fight and flight response each time. Stress does weird things to our bodies and minds and obviously has a lasting affect. It's not silly, don't judge yourself. ;)

 

[Hashi]

I think it's understandable to be struggling with this, and that other people would too. It sounds like you're processing things from the situation that you didn't feel safe enough to process at the time. In an abusive situation we shut down parts of our thinking, feelings and reactions in order to manage. Those thoughts and feelings are still there, frozen, and can come out later like this.

I agree with ashdawn, it must have been traumatic to experience that. Add in the context of the relationship as a whole, and there must be all sorts of feelings around it. For example, what was his response to this happening? Did he take any action to try to prevent it happening, and if not, or if it wasn't effective, what sort of additional effect was that having on you? I imagine that, given the traumatising nature of his behaviour as a whole, this might inter-relate with all sorts of other things in the relationship. It would be difficult enough on its own, let alone in the context of the abuse and rapes.

I know that in one sense it isn't rational, because you know he survived the episodes, but I do think it's reasonable that your mind is throwing out things like this as it tries to process things that are outside normal experiences.

 

[Hashi]

I should add that I think it makes sense purely on its own too. I once almost fell from a height, and even though I didn't and I obviously knew that I hadn't, I couldn't completely take in that I hadn't fallen.

It was like there was a still one version of reality for me where I had actually fallen. Perhaps because the fear at the time was such that that reality got "created" at that point and I needed more time and processing before I could shake it off?

 

[Core]

For example, what was his response to this happening? Did he take any action to try to prevent it happening, and if not, or if it wasn't effective, what sort of additional effect was that having on you?

Both of you, thank you for your opinions. :) Good questions. He'd have fainting spells when raging at me, when he woke up he'd either feel too weak to talk/do anything or continue being hurt and mad over whatever problem he had. Often the fainting spells would force him to calm down enough to eventually seem to listen. So he didn't do anything to prevent the fainting, he should've worked on his emotional problems, he probably didn't see that, but he should've seen it, and I should've broken up earlier... Anyway, how anything affected me really wasn't a concern for either of us, so I don't know.

I think a harsh part of me finds it ridiculous that I struggle with someone not dying, but at the same time it makes a lot of sense. Also, knowing someone's only fainted and at the same time knowing they're unconscious and not breathing, and it feels like it's been a long time since they did breathe... Mind-boggling when you're panicking.

I once almost fell from a height

:eek: I've never experienced that, so I won't say I relate, but with my fear of heights... I feel for you, a lot, and goodness how scary.