I Want Sex All The Time

[Momofthree]

Ok, this is kind of personal but I've Google all I can and still come up with nothing helpful so here goes: I was sexually abused by my ex (he was my first and only sexual partner for 7yrs) since I left the relationship 2 1/2 years ago I have had multiple one night stands a long term FWB and with my current boyfriend of 6 months I want it WAY more then he does. When he says he isn't in the mood I feel rejected and worthless even thought he works really hard to make sure I know he still finds me attractive he's just tired or not in the mood. I can't seem to get enough even when I get it 3x in a day I want more. Does anyone else had a similar reaction to sexual abuse? And if so do you have any advice on what I can do to have a more healthy relationship with sex?

 

[NicG]

I know the feeling. My first partner abused me too, so then when I got into intimate situations with people I actually felt safe with, I found that I could not. Get. Enough. If it weren't for my religious views I'd be with guys all the time.
I think maybe I appreciate and crave the good stuff because I have awful experiences to compare it to? The whole "you can't understand happiness unless you've felt true sadness" thing.

I'm yet to figure out how to solve the issue and have a healthy relationship with my sex drive, so sorry I don't have any advice... but you're not alone.

 

[Justmehere]

If you google "hypersexuality and trauma" a lot of information comes up about this. A friend of mine really struggled with it and I had an internship with a doc once who told me how a lot of his trauma clients struggled with it. My friend told me that in therapy she learned to try to recognize what else was going on for her emotionally when the drive was intense, and to try to meet those needs and the hypersexuality would calm down and would not be so much of a intense thing. After some time working on the underlying trauma, she found that for her, the hypersexual drive was highly linked to anger, stress, and grief. It was an escape, something that was powerful enough to override the other feelings. It was like her body's own drug. That's how she described it for her. For me, I'm all over the map. I tend to be pretty shut down most of the time, with occasional days where it's the only thing I can seem to want.

 

[Momofthree]

@Justmehere thanks! I didn't think to Google it that way, I'll be doing that now :) I think my is worst when I feel like I'm not in control.

 

[Anarchy]

OMG!

Momofthree, Was any of your abuse as a child or adolescent sexual? did you ever identyify yourself on a largely sexual basis?

Hyper sexuality does seem to be quite frequent ammong abused individuals. One of the insights that Herman has in "trauma and recovery" was one of her abused patients realizing that she was working on the idea that if someone didn't value her sexually - then they didn't value her at all.

mini hijack - I've just put two and two together and worked out why I just couldn't get enough with some partners, but others could suddenly turn me off completely... it looks like (or rather it smells like) I've got sex abuse somewhere in my collection, Yuck! ::vomit::

 

[Momofthree]

@Anarchy no sexual abuse in my child hood but I met my husband at the age of 19 and we married when I was 20 before that I was saving myself for my husband, so he was definitely the one who molded my sexual identity. I was thinking about this all night and I think I came to the conclusion that for me sex= control. I was never allowed to deny my ex any sexual favor or act because he had all the control, any time he wanted to punish me is first go to method was to withhold any caring touch only f#&k me (no kissing or even touching just intercourse long enough for him to finish) when he needed to get off and didn't want to use porn, and if I ever made an advancement toward him to initiate anything sexual I was shut down because he refused to give me any control over my sexuality. It's no wonder that now I want to initiate it all the time and be the one who has the control!!

 

[Anarchy]

What a miserable bastard

here's wishing you a lifetime of sex that's noisy enough to result in blue flashing lights and sirens coming down the road

and him a lifetime of silent and solitary bad sex. From your description, I'm guessing that if it's solitary, at least he's doing it with someone he loves and cares about...

 

[Momofthree]

Thanks @Anarchy your comment made me laugh out loud and put a huge smile on my face :D

 

[Deleted member 487]

You know you had a good time in the sack if the neighbors sit outside for a smoke.... :D

Me, I just want a woman to hug. :(

 

[Friday]

Hyper sexuality does seem to be quite frequent ammong abused individuals. One of the insights that Herman has in "trauma and recovery" was one of her abused patients realizing that she was working on the idea that if someone didn't value her sexually - then they didn't value her at all.

mini hijack - I've just put two and two together and worked out why I just couldn't get enough with some partners, but others could suddenly turn me off completely... it looks like (or rather it smells like) I've got sex abuse somewhere in my collection, Yuck! ::vomit::

Not saying you don't... But just to know, my libido was already set before I had any kind of trauma: ideal world I'm being laid a few times a day. Even in 10 years of marriage, wherein we had the normal range of decline (about 1/5th of what it was in the beginning), that still meant sex most days.

Trauma did affect my sex drive for sure; Each time I was raped my libido would uptick for a few months, before dropping back to my own personal version of normal. When I'm using it as a PTSD tool, there's an uptick, as well. But as I stabilize, so too, does my libido. This is true whether I'm acting out sexually getting laid on the hour, or keeping myself on a short leash. And then right back to my own baseline.

Just a squares & rectangles thing. There are people on the narrow ends of the bell curve (very high end of normal, or very low end of normal), just because that's where they naturally belong, all pathology aside.

 

[Momofthree]

I haven't been stable enough long enough to know what my baseline is, but I'm sure it's naturally on the high end (morning, noon, and night ;) ). It's more the feeling that "I can't get enough" or "I have to initiate to keep the control and keep him coming back" that I know isn't healthy. Also the feeling that anytime he doesn't have the same stamina it's my fault.

 

[Friday]

It's more the feeling that "I can't get enough" or "I have to initiate to keep the control and keep him coming back" that I know isn't healthy. Also the feeling that anytime he doesn't have the same stamina it's my fault.

Keeping control... This was a big part of my post-rape stuff. I choose, I initiate, get them off before they want to, take away their self control etc., in addition to the healthier side of washing every bad memory away with 1000 good ones.