Dom Violence I want to attempt leaving

[Happyplace76]

Be wary of him as Monday comes near. He may switch into another gear or go straight into physical abuse. It is a very unpredictable time to be near him right now. Let your brother know that he is laying it on so thick - not to panic anyone but just so your brother knows what he is walking into. Have you told anyone else that you are going? Somebody that can keep a watchful eye over you. Or is there somewhere you can go?

THIS @courelly. I don't mean to alarm you but they act very unpredictable when you leave. Do odd things, scary things to intimidate you. Both of my abusers did. I wish you were able to pretend like you were going to the store and just leave - then the police could escort you back to get your things, stay with a friend or see what the community DV shelter could provide until your brother arrives. I'm only saying these things because things can change in the blink of an eye. I would even alert the police to see if they can be present when your brother arrives during the actual move. I was so fearful (and he hadn't shown physical abuse yet towards me) because I knew his last girlfriend died (ran out into the middle of a busy road in front of her kids), he had swords and knives that he had threatened to use on himself AND had actually severed his ex-wife's lover's thumb with, that I DID call the police so that I could leave. He threatened to call his aunt (ummm, ok??? ) if I ever called the police. Still glad I did it. One watched him, and one made sure I removed everything. I am convinced to this day, that we were very very very lucky to have made it out alive. Not my imagination running away from me but from a deep bone chilling fear that I had upon waking up that morning.

This is THE most dangerous time for a victim to leave because the abuser is losing all control. I am very concerned for your safety. You are making amazing strides, plans, and I'm proud of you. I also want you SAFE. And that is when you're physically removed from his presence. Is there a hotel perhaps you can stay at? This is reminding me of some very scary times in my life, one recent - and is triggering but I will check on your posts on Monday. God bless, be safe. Please reconsider a temporary place to go until your brother arrives.

 

[Gs172003]

The man that beat his wife unrecognizable? Would go to church and repent. Over and over. At least to her face. It's an effing game .or a sickness. I don't care which .

 

[courelly]

The sweet when you are leaving? That's the sweet it's talking about.

I feel silly. Yeah, that makes more sense than the way I've been interpreting it all these years.

 

[Whirlwind]

Totally agree it sounds like you went the long way around. It is so good you are free from that man.

Thank you. I am FREE and so happy that I can be here to help someone else. I know the courage and fortitude this takes and reading all of you...and Courelly movings towards freedom....

It warms my heart despite the hurt we have all endured......to gather here together...to help someone else take their life back.

I don't mean to alarm you but they act very unpredictable when you leave. Do odd things, scary things to intimidate you

Yup, mine threatened suicide to me and others....total lie. And mental illness. And "disappeared" on his bike saying he would never be found. He is a very cold man and I underestimated his penchant for the dramatic.

In reality he stayed with friends who he got to lie to me and pretend he was "missing" during which he was posting disgusting ads all over craigslist. I also caught him on the phone during his 48hr "psychotic episode" sorting out a banking issue and acting completely normal. I think the fake crying was the creepiest to be honest. It was so weird..the fake blubbering...he couldn't generate tears half the time and just got red and made strange noises. If I said nothing...no emotion...just stared at him. He would spontaneously stop and act normal...like it never happened.

They appear to have few limits and no shame.

Whirlwind

 

[courelly]

THIS @courelly. I don't mean to alarm you but they act very unpredictable when...

You're right...I need to keep this in mind. I did check in with the local police station about an escort, and they told me that the escort can come for five minutes only and it's completely unpredictable WHEN they can come. Essentially, I could be waiting from morning to night for a police escort to randomly arrive for five minutes. Seems like there should be a better system, right? I was surprised. My plan instead was to have my phone at the ready to dial 911. My in-person women's group recommended that if I use this option, I tell them that I'm scared and in danger and they'll come immediately.

^^Totally agree it sounds like you went the long way around. It is so good you are free from that...

There is only one other person in the area who knows what's going on - my coworker, and the women in the group I meet with. If things got really bad before then, I would reach out. Or, I would leave the house to a hotel and come back with a police escort. I don't think he'll get physical, but you never know. Thank you for the advice.

 

[courelly]

Only two more days left.

I told mutual friends of ours (a couple) that we're breaking up and I'm moving next week, but I didn't say why. They were trying to invite us out to dinner and a movie tonight which is why I told them. They don't know anything about our situation. They bought him a movie ticket for tonight - just him, not me - which I feel so relieved about because it gets him out of the house long enough for me to finish sorting my belongings without him crying or trying to talk to me about it.

He has really stepped up his guilting today. He notices that I feel guilty whenever he talks about how much he's going to miss our dog, who is more my dog, and I am taking her with me. He truly treats this dog better than he's ever treated me, and his heartbreak over her leaving is the one real thing I believe. That being said, I think his ongoing treatment of me affects her negatively. If he starts to raise his voice at me, she always leaves the room and hides in the closet. She loves him unconditionally like dogs do, but I can't imagine she's comfortable being consistently stressed whenever he's angry at me. She's scared of things like fireworks, so I know she's scared of him punching a wall or throwing an object even if it's unrelated to her.

 

[LuckiLee]

I'm so excited for you. And nervous. And happy...

 

[blackemerald1]

I know she's scared of him punching a wall

@courelly of course he is aware of the impact he has on your dog and you. That's why he does it. I am very pleased you are taking your dog. Both of you will be happier without ^^ that in your life.

As for laying guilt on you for finally standing up & going. Let him whinge away. It just demonstrates again how incapable he is of understanding his unacceptable behaviour.

I'm pleased he's going to the movies so you can get on with the packing & sorting.

Doesn't sound like a good system with the cops so yes if things get tricky any time during this exit call emergency.

Thinking of you.
b1

 

[mumstheword]

Thinking of you too. You can do this. I'm looking forward to your freedom.
Be safe.
:hug: @courelly

 

[Changing4Best]

I never pressed charges against mine, but not long after I left him and he knew for sure I was not coming back, maybe 6 months, I found out that he was in jail with charges of "domestic battery, utterance of a forged document and a concealed weapon." I am SOOOoooo glad I got away when I did!

 

[Happyplace76]

:hug::hug:

I never pressed charges against mine, but not long after I left him and he knew for sure I was not c...

Only two more days left.

I told mutual friends of ours (a couple) that we're breaking up and I'm mov...

Mine did the same thing to my dog - I felt a lot of guilt because of it. My dog used to literally sit behind my legs whenever I went to the bathroom. He kicked my dog during an argument. I took both the cat and dog and when I left the 2nd time. They are vile people, really. Anyone who could do that to a loving, innocent animal is vile. I'm so glad you're getting away and like all the rest of the posters, do NOT for a minute, even consider his feelings right now. He's tortured you physically and mentally. Much love and prayers of safety - I'm excited for you! I know it's going to be scary, but I just know you're going to not only be fine on the "other side" but flourish. :hug:

Thank you. I am FREE and so happy that I can be here to help someone else. I know the courage and for...

The fake crying was sooo creepy, as were the blank stares, fake falls, never far away from where I was in the house, whether it was talking to my son in his room or making a phone call - he'd be in the hallway, going to the bathroom .... what a psychopath. We are free thank the good Lord!!

 

[Whirlwind]

She's scared of things like fireworks, so I know she's scared of him punching a wall or throwing an object even if it's unrelated to her.

I know they "feel it"...can you imagine a child?

He notices that I feel guilty whenever he talks about how much he's going to miss our dog

He can get another dog. You will take good care of this one...he'll survive. Note how all of this comes back to him.....Poor sad lonely unemployed dogless .... 30ish? year old...ADULT MAN who doesn't feel bad treating the most important person (YOU) in his life like crap.

How many times did you cry your eyes out?
How many holidays and special events did he RUIN?
How many lonely nights did you lay there sleepless and SAD?
How many times did he break your HEART?

Gaslighting pity play. He uses it because it works! If you act indifferent....watch....he'll change tactics. This is less about the dog than him wallowing in his personal pity party.

Yes, tell people....even a neighbor? You are NEARLY THERE, bandaid is ALMOST OFF!! :-)

You're gonna be fine..you are smart and your plan to jet to a hotel is great. DO IT. Do not hesitate, trust your instinct and gut.

Its ok to cry, feel bad etc. Its an emotional time and does not make you weak.....its going to be part of healing and there is strength in those tears.

Those tears will wash away the pain and leave a sparkly happy surface.

I'm smiling for you as I know you are going to make it. Head up and walk out that door! He isn't going to die, this is not a life ending event...its the start of a NEW WONDERFUL ONE :-)

Whirlwind