I Want To Be Supportive And I Am Having Trouble.

[kilted]

Nope... not delusional, just tied into something called the "Drama Triangle" (from a guy called Karpman). Google this, and then it's positive counterpart, the "Winners Triangle" (Choy). This might help you get a better perspective on what's happening and how to change your way of looking at, and responding to, your situation.

You also recognise that you place your "value" in what others think of you, which seems to revolve around being seen to be supportive. However this raises the difficulty that you are being supportive, not to support him, but to create an impression with others. This will inevitably limit your ability to act in the best interests of your partner and yourself because you're always trying to second guess what "others" will think of you. This means you'll have difficulty weighing up your choices appropriately, because the fear of "what others think" presses heavily on one side of the scale.

This internalisation of "others" is often the result of upbringing....trying to stay safe in a chaotic world where vigilance to the moods of others was required to stay out of danger.

 

[NewBeginnings]

Nope... not delusional, just tied into something called the "Drama Triangle" (from a guy called Karpman)...

Hi -
I found the Drama Triangle interpretation to be really interesting . The similarities of my situation through this lens is scary and very accurate. I had never heard of such a thing and contrasted with the winners triangle is ipens up new possibilities.
Thank you! I will share more as I begin to work through new situations.

 

[PBandJ]

I feel like I have a similar story. 17 years married, demanding husband, 2 kids, and trauma issues that just came up in the last 3 years. Husband just told me recently that he doesn't feel "connected" to me anymore, however he says this stems from around 2010-2012 before my trauma came to my awareness. I still love him though. Is it possible the ive been so wrapped up in my own head that I have not been able to connect with him? Is this due to PTSD, or does he just not love me anymore? I feel like I am completely at his mercy and I don't know what to do. He stopped kissing me goodnight or holding hands. He says he will not touch me unless he feels "connected" but he does not tell me what I can do to help him feel connected. We have 2 children and have had a great life together. I feel like I'm fighting to keep this relationship together and he is very nonchalant about the whole thing. Our daughter has anxiety and depression issues and she would be crushed if we split.
It feels like I am being held hostage.

 

[Llith]

I had a very similar situation with my sister. She was/is depressed, OCD, eating disordered any many more things, and I spent 10+ years of my life enabling her. I had to go home to see her, had to go to parties with her, run in and fix her up when she cut too deep. It ended up with me n1: not being able to cope at all, and n2: helping her so much she had no idea how to stand on her own two legs.

Its a hard thing to handle tough love, and often the other person is resistant. But sometimes you need to step away, and let them make mistakes, even if it breaks your heart. Because you trying to help them is damaging both them and you.

You have changed, and that is not necessarily a bad thing, its a very natural thing to happen, but it does make things feel awkward and stressed for a while until other people get used to it. Have you tried explaining how you feel about him not taking his medication and refusing to see a therapist? It may not work (my sister still refuses on the therapist part), but it can give them something to mull over in the back of their heads, giving the power back to them and removing the pressure from yourself.

At the end of the day you have done all you can, then that is fine. You cannot resent yourself for that or hold it against you, it was their choice to live how they did and sadly you just have to accept that. Sometimes accepting that is the best and most freeing feeling. Though sadly it doesn't cook dinner... hard to find a solution to someone who won't take on their own responsibilities...