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i want to describe the way i dissociate

i want to rant about the ways i dissociate

my brain has "trauma holders" which are like different people inside of my brain who take control of my mind and body. each "trauma holder" holds memory of a different traumatic event. i cant function at all while they take control, i will dissociate and go nonverbal.. also, i have a part or "person" in my brain designed to be shielded from the pain of traumatic memories and function in normal life. in some cases, while a trauma holder takes control, i will have very intense emotional flashbacks, or will have no memory at all in some. i sometimes remember pleasant things, but they are cloudy. my traumatic memories, if a holder taking control holds those traumatic memories, will feel extremely vivid and disgusting. if a part that does NOT hold that trauma remembers that trauma, it will feel cloudy and like it never happened to me/wasn't as severe.

there are possibly 4 "trauma holders", plus one part made to function in daily life. so that makes 5 ends of the spectrum, but they can sort of fuse, combine, and separate.

how did i figure this out?

i noticed that some days, i will fixate on a trauma and minimize or dissociate from my other traumatic events. take my mom for example, if the part holding trauma related to my mom is taking control, i will pick out here every action, have more symptoms of ptsd around her, be hypervigilant, think and reflect about her conversion therapy efforts and discriminatory abuse, and in some severe cases i've tried to run away from home to escape her.
 
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