I Want To Stop

[BlueFighter]

I have an amazing friend who has been helping me through everything even when I don't know what's wrong. No matter how many times I bring up the same thoughts and feelings, she will sit and talk through it with me again. She is reliable and steady. She is determined to stick to her word and convince me I can make it through this. But sometimes I do not understand what makes it so hard for me. My life, currently, is an above average life style. I'm going to college and I don't have a job(my parents are putting me through college), I live in a decent apartment(for a college student), I have a wonderful above-mentioned friend, I have food, a nice laptop, and I live in a world full of wonderful people whom I love. Yet some how I find myself wanting to hurt myself or to get in my car and crash into a tree at 120 mph. I shouldn't have anything to complain about. I live this life that most people would consider ideal and I feel like I'm a waste of a good life. I don't deserve it. I feel terrible for being so needy all the time even though she says she doesn't mind. Is there really a way for me to be normal? Is there really a way for me to like myself again?

 

[ronin47]

Don't use the word "should," it doesn't do any good. Circumstances do not decide whether you are happy or not, you do. You probably need some help with it, but happiness comes from the inside out, not the other way around. Are there counseling services at your college? I know the counseling service at my university has been an absolute godsend. I am healthier and happier than I ever thought possible. Don't be stuck in the past. Don't be preoccupied with feeling the way you did before no matter how wonderful it seemed. If you let go of the past you open yourself up to an even better future.

 

[BlueFighter]

There is counseling, I just have not wanted to go. I've had bad counseling experiences.

 

[4L150N]

Yes, please don't "should" on yourself. Comparing yourself to anyone or any situation just keeps you stuck and frustrated. I really just try and stay present whenever I can and take care of what I need from moment to moment. I have the same problem. I have a really good life. I live in a perfect cozy apartment with GREAT neighbours, I work with awesome people, and I have the best dog ever. I have the best GP anyone could ask for, although she's not familiar enough with PTSD to really help me from that standpoint. I just hate myself so much that even though my counsellor has great ideas, I just don't feel like I deserve to get better. I don't see much of a future for myself and I have even lost the ability to FEEL the gratefulness that I have for all that is good in my life. Truly the only thing keeping me above water right now is staying in the moment and concentrating on what I need and nothing else.

 

[ronin47]

Oh Bluefighter, I've had horrendous counseling experiences as well; a lazy psychaitrist, a loudmouth nurse, a therapist who broke confidentiality, another who threatened me with hospitalization unless I told my mother I was feeling suicidal while she listened in over the phone, a subservient social worker, a self absorbed MFT, the list goes on. One after another seemed more interested in hearing themselves talk then really listening to anything I had to say. I had a long string of them and by the time I got to my current university I was entirely fed up with them. After I had dumped my last one I swore up and down I would never talk to another one again as long as I lived.

However, on a different internet discussion board, I was talking about my self destructive past with someone and that person gently prompted me to contact the mental health services on the campus. She convinced me by saying I didn't even need to enter full blown treatment, I could just establish contact so that I had a lifeline should I slip into my old habits again. That seemed reasonable enough, so I made the phone call and with my stomach churning I went into the Wellness Center, it turned my whole world around (for the better.) Now, three years later, here I am and for the first time I can remember I really feel safe. I know it is possible to be happy. I know it is possible to be at peace. I have experienced both in ways I never imagined before.

Give it a chance. Call them and say you just want one session. You never know, those people could be entirely different from anything you've experienced before, I know mine were.

 

[BlueFighter]

Thank you, I'll think about it