Sufferer I Was On Active Duty And My Mother Died

[Fultzdr]

Hello. My mother was a victim of fen fen and redux. I'll try to keep this short. My mom suffered for years. She had a mitral valve replacement and there was a recall on the valve. She couldn't go through surgery again. The heart valve restricted flow to her kidneys which ultimately made her dependent on at home dialysis. I joined the navy in 2009. My mom died march 2011. I came home and was home for 10 days while she was in ICU. She ultimately had a stroke. Here's my question. I don't even know how to ask all of this. I'm confused. When I went back to active duty I guess you can say I had no time to reflect. We literally went out to see days after I got back. I didn't have time to think about it all. Hineslty I blocked all my emotions for the sake of keeping up at work. My performance slowly swept down the drain. I did everything for my mom. Helped her set up her dialysis, five her shots, drove her to doctor all up until I left for boot camp. I was honorably discharged in Dec 2013. Here we are today. I'm a wreck. People tell me that you can't still be grieving over it. I'm stressed all the time. I snap. Not like go crazy but even the simplest question on certain days causes me to have angry responses, I raise my voice and don't even know it. When I got home my DAD and my little sister lived at the house we all grew up in and we got evicted. I've moved 6 times at least and not to mention my father got a settlement check from the deig company over my mothers death. He's ran off and been remarried and left his kids high and dry. I think about my mom more each day. There are days I don't want to do anything at all. There's days where nothing can stop me. But I feel it weighing me down. My fiancee asks me to express my feeling more and I don't know how. I feel like the fact that mom dying 4 years ago I should be over it and nobody will understand. I don't know if I'm just depressed or what. Her death is getting to me more now than it ever did. Nothing is the same without her. And I think its the fact that I'm home now that it's really hitting me hard.

 

[Sighs]

:hug: If you accept them.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Welcome to the forum. You sure have been through hell and my heart goes out to you. You were never allowed to grieve or recover and get refreshed from caregiving which really wears you out among so many other things.

Are you in therapy of any kind? You are grieving now and need a lot of help and support to get you through this time. I cannot imagine how hard this has been on you. I was a caregiver to my husband for three years with no help or support and by the time he died I was a complete basket case so I imagine that you are now finally falling apart because you can.

This forum is the best one online for PtSd and I think you will meet a lot of other people who are wonderful and get it I am so glad that you found this site and I wish the best for your time of natural grieving, healing and recovery.

I am so very sorry that your dad abandoned you. My mom abandoned us when I was eighteen and I do know how that feels so you are not alone.

 

[Fadeaway]

I lost my mom 13 years ago to suicide. Felt nothing, started a new job the next day. I am just now starting to process it. I'm not over it. I think it is normal for you to be feeling what you are. There is also the issue and possibility of stuck grief. Those people don't have a right to tell you that you should be over it though.

 

[Fultzdr]

Thank you guys. I do believe that I just pushed it all out and never really thought about it. Never had the time. And now that I'm home, and lost all memories of my childhood because of my father, I process it. Also it doesn't help any that our father abandoned us because we told him we wanted what we deserve out of the settlement, its all his in his eyes and we are taking him to court. I found out about my dad not taking care of my mom while I was fine, running around with other women. She couldn't even get out of the house. It just seems like one thing after another and nothing seems like its gonna work in my favor. Living on a friends couch because dad bought him a new house and not his kids too. I have nights I cannot sleep. I literally stay awake all night and I occupy myself with trinkets and what not. I've been up for 2 days now lol I've thought about that I might have PTSD but I told myself there's no way. I guess I have some symptom s after all.

 

[Fultzdr]

Gizmo no I am not currently in any therapy. Or taking any medicine. I just take it day by day. Like I said some days I just don't wanna do nothing and feel empty and like there's no purpose. And there's days I'll go and keep on going. I recently gave up a bad habit.I marijuana. Ever since I stopped it seems everything gets Hardee each day. Me and my fiancee argue over stupid things. It all starts because I raise my voice and I don't mean too. And It kills me and she don't undertsjsd that I don't mean to raise my voice. I never really knew why I act that way until I talked to a friend from my ship and he has same problem with his attitude ;/

 

[BlueDream]

Welcome to the forum.
If your issues have been worse since you stopped smoking mj, maybe you schould reconsider. I think a lot of people still look at it like its a drug, not a medicine. I know it helps me, it helps to put me in a better mood, makes me happier and more relaxed.
I do think you need to try therapy it will help you to properly grieve your mother.
I wish you the best of luck in your journey!!

 

[intothelight]

@Fultzdr Welcome to the forum!

Whether or not you have PTSD can only be determined by a mental health professional; but it is good to get a diagnosis as whatever is going on is disrupting your life, and knowing what is wrong is the first step in knowing how to treat it. This site has some great information for dealing with insomnia and I hope you find it helpful.