DID Identities

[jadebear]

Past feelings are not what is hurting you, its what you feel now. .

My T. seems to think differently. We actually discussed this on Monday. He thinks it's important that I experience what I felt then and says he can help me do that. He thinks it's actually necessary for me to connect the feelings with the traumas.

I'm just gonna be completely honest here, I'm to the point where I don't really give a shit what people think, I just want to get better...

As I said before, I don't have separate identities with names or anything, I just feel different sometimes and it's like I'm watching myself say and do things but I'm not in total control. My T. thinks I dissociated all my thoughts/ feelings during the traumas and now when I'm triggered, I go into those emotional states....or modes of thinking/feeling. But they're not seperate identities, but close to it.

Certain triggers can send me into 1 of 4 child like modes....one is throwing tantrums, breaking and throwing things,etc.,another is acting like the perfect kid, well behaved,do as I'm told, etc.another is whiny, scared,clingy,etc. and then another that all I do is shake and can't hear/speak.

I aslo have a depressed/suicidal mode that i go into where I become obsessed with dying. I get suicidal thoughts and plan my death and want to and try to carry them out. It becomes my main thought and focus and seems rational to me.

I have a dark side where I become obsessed with rape, killing,torture,etc.Of course I have never acted on it, but I have had urges to pick up random guys that are walking around town. I fantasize about picking them up, taking them to a secluded area and forcing sex. I don't want to hurt them or kill them, just force them against their will. I have to fight the urges. When I'm in that mode, I'm obsessed with any movies/tv shows about things like that, even the music I listen to changes and it's all I think about. I'm a little ashamed to admit that I feel this way at times, but I do.

Even all the drinking binges never felt like they were really me drinking. It was more like watching myself chug the alcohol. like I was a passenger in my body but not the one in control. I have been doing good at fighting the urge to drink....but it's really hard. It's the same with getting high....it doesn't even feel like it's me wanting to do that. A couple of weeks ago, I started thinking "you should get stoned, you're nervous and stressed and it will make you feel better". It was so convincing that I did get stoned...and then I had to go somewhere like that and I was so mad at myself and embarrassed afterwards. But, what was strange was I wasn't thinking "I should get stoned",I was thinking 'you' should get stoned, like somebody else was telling me to do it.

So.....you say don't work on or worry about how I felt then and my T. thinks it's necessary. He thinks in order to gain control I have to connect the traumas with the emotions. Who's right?

What my T. says seems logical. If I have all these clusters of thoughts/feelings that come out when triggered, it makes sense to reconnect them where they belong. But what you say seems logical too.

 

[WonderingWhy]

another that all I do is shake and can't hear/speak.

I aslo have a depressed/suicidal mode that i go into where I become obsessed with dying. I get suicidal thoughts and plan my death and want to and try to carry them out. It becomes my main thought and focus and seems rational to me..

JB,
I just wanted to mention when I have a major anxiety/panic attack, it is as if I can not sense anything other than my fear. I am not sure what exactly causes it, but I can't hear anyone, I can't see and I may make sounds but I can not talk! It is sooo weird!

I also frequently think about suicide, not so much planning it, or really even feeling like I will. I do know that if I did(Which I don't plan to) I would take pills or carbon dioxide. I don't like pain!!!

However it's more like I just want "all this pain" to stop and that is just so obvious of a way for your mind to think of. I can't say for certain that I NEVER would, but because of my child I don't think I could.
:confused:

So.....you say don't work on or worry about how I felt then and my T. thinks it's necessary. He thinks in order to gain control I have to connect the traumas with the emotions. Who's right?

What my T. says seems logical. If I have all these clusters of thoughts/feelings that come out when triggered, it makes sense to reconnect them where they belong. But what you say seems logical too.

I am sure Anthony will tell me if I am wrong!;) but this is what I think.:thinking:

I think basically they are both saying the same thing. Here's what I think.

I think you need to KNOW how you felt about it at the time, kind of like rehashing what it was you experienced. (The best you can). As Anthony said there is really NO way to remember every aspect of the trauma in every manner in every way for each event. However to do it in the best way you can!

THEN! You must work through how that is NOW making you feel, because that was then and this is NOW! It's now that is the present!!! Now is where you have to survive daily. So those are the feelings you have to break down and work through!!! :hot: Well that's what I think. imho

Boy if only it was as easy to do, as it is to say!!!!:furious: I feel trapped!:trapped: I can logically say what I need to do, but doing it is the almost impossible part.:scream:

 

[anthony]

Your therapist believes he can accomplish... so see if he can. I don't believe you can accurately know what you felt then compared to what you can identify that you feel now. The only known way to get close, is hypnosis, and that can be just as traumatising, if not more, for people with CPTSD. It can often lead to much worse symptoms.

All you can do it try... its not a contest. See if what he has to say works.

 

[WonderingWhy]

Wow,
I am soooo glad my post posted!!!:dance: My computer froze up!!:faint: I wanted to scream!:scream: I thought for sure by the time I got back on after shutting down and restarting it would be gone bye bye:wave:

I am soooo glad I was wrong!:bounce::applause: I love lifes ssmall miracles!:lmao: Now a few BIG miracles would be very nice!:D:hug:

 

[alixipain]

Imfo overload! I'll return with a few questions later!

 

[alixipain]

pick the hardest one, then pull it apart using emotional responses, ie. I feel... in combination with something like a list of emotions, and try to put a word with what you felt.

Then you pull apart each event, with emotions listed, see if others are found, try and apply reason to the emotions to lessen each emotion one at a time. It may take a week, or a month, but to get the biggest trauma completely out of the way, having removed all the negative stigma at the emotional level to the most distressing trauma as defined by you... then give some time afterwards... suddenly symptoms begin to lessen.

Then you do the same with each that is left bothering you... often the biggest one will knock many out as a result, once you find the resolution to the core major emotions carried, harbouring negativity within.

You will never be without PTSD, don't get me wrong, but sure as shit you can remove many symptoms through this and if constantly self managed to reduce your exposure to ongoing stressors.

There are tricks to this, the first one from your view is to stop over-thinking things, and when you write down the trauma, then you begin associating emotions to each part of it; OR; you work in reverse, and you write down what you feel, then you write down your trauma, and as you write your trauma, you begin to place what you write with what you feel now. There is a distinct difference to what you "felt" (past tense) and what you "feel" (present tense).

Past feelings are not what is hurting you, its what you feel now. Past trauma is hurting you, but your feelings then and your feelings now, likely not even close to the same. This is why I say, don't live in the past, live in the present. Its about what is going on within you now. You associate what you feel now to what happened then.


It is wrong, hence why CPTSD is a process to get your wiring relatively correct again. Your wiring going wrong is very clearly explained in my first post on this thread.


You use the list of emotions, you go look them up and what they mean... you can then associate what they mean to a feeling that you feel, but cannot explain. We are taught emotions through our care givers (parents, etc). When that breaks down, hence revert to first post in this thread about why it broke down in your brain.

Instead of being told these things when you believed them easily, from a trusted source, child - parent relationship, now you have to learn them for yourself as an adult, which brings complicated aspects to the table vs. being a child.

This is what I needed to know for years Thank you very much Sir!

Instead of being told these things when you believed them easily, from a trusted source, child - parent relationship, now you have to learn them for yourself as an adult, which brings complicated aspects to the table vs. being a child.