Identity issues, cognitive dissonance?

[bhm]

Ok, so over the years I've permanently modified my appearance to a certian degree, I don't have any regrets at all towards it, but now when I notice that people are potentially en gaurde, even especially shopping for groceries when I turn the isle, and sometimes people actually freeze up like i'm a f*cking ghost, For obvious reasons I'm always super friendly and polite, in public venues, i go out of my way to speak well and not cuss, and just try to be a good citizen, i feel like a f*cking asshole all the time, i'm having alot of trouble getting over this, anyone? ??

 

[Swift]

Hey @bhm, sorry you're struggling.
I'm not sure what you mean by "permanently modified your appearance".

I'll speak to what I know personally.
I've gained a lot of weight from my anorexic twelve year old self. I've also grown a foot taller, although my height is permanently stunted because I starved myself so young.

The ways in which I personally have "permanently" - this is the word that's sticking to me. What do you mean by "permanently"?

Me, I have a lot of scars that I did to myself, that are also permanent. Generally I wear long sleeves for other people's comfort, not my own - I couldn't give a gosh-darned f*ck about what people think,but I like doing my groceries unbothered.

 

[Abstract]

Hi bhm!
It sounds like you are perfectly OK with your appearance and what you have done. I also think its worth being realistic. If you have piercings and tattoos of a certain type then a lot of people will be interpreting that in a certain way. Not sure there is any way around that. How we "dress" ourselves is a sort of language. You are trying to soften what you are physically saying to them with your voice.

The way I see it you only have a few options. Continue as is. Accept some people will read this as threatening and ignore the rest. Or change the way you look.

When you first did it did some part of you want to create this response? As protection?

 

[Ronin]

The people that see you as threatening for tattoos / piercings... would probably see you as threatening for a particular brand of T shirt, the way you carry yourself, giving them the evil eye in just normal looks, etc.

About them, not about you. You do not have to mind.

If I were sure how they are with copyright I would be grabbing all of those meme pictures about doctors, lawyers, police, academics covered head to toes in tattoos to cheer you up.

 

[grit]

I think you would not put this under identity issue or dissonance, if it was not troubling you in someways?
I am not sure if you are in therapy, but this is probably worth a few good sessions to dissect.

My immediate reaction as a lay person is that do you like being "afraid" or "in guard" of? How does that make you feel?Do you enjoy to start with a deficit of trust in people and you will have to build up the trust? rather than starting with no issues or neutral or not noticing that people are in guard around you?

I would think as a every day person, I would not want to make people feel they must be in guard around me or I feel I must be in guard in around them...

I am thinking this is a rooted issue for you and it is hard to further discuss it because not enough information. I guess at the end of the day, it does not matter what strangers think of us and if we get tangled up with that, then that is worth for further therapy because we are spending unnecessary energy on people we do not even know.

 

[bhm]

Cheers all, yes by permenantly I mean literally covered in tattoos, I'm an artist and worked in tattoo shops for years, and from an early age ran with various "social groups" that encouraged modification, so, some of it's art, some of it's armor, and some are medals, peoples reactions never used to bother me, but lately I've become sensitive to how everyone around me is feeling and it kinda hurts me when i see people concerned by my presence, And yeah, I'm really polite and smile at people when they look at me, I even started wearing short sleeved flannel shirts and trying to soften my apperance, I even let my hair grow in so you can't see my head piece, but yeah, I've got huge cheek pieces and my forehead is done, and under my chin, and my throat and neck, and my hands and fingers, and pretty much everywhere eles, lol, I love my ink and don't regret it, I'm just having trouble recently becoming more aware and conscious, I'm working on it, and yes it's a huge topic at therapy, lol

 

[grit]

Good for you bhm.
What I learned from trauma therapy is when you start to have certain feelings such as empathy for how others may feel about you or around you means you are starting to have a lot of emapthy for your inner child or your parts or yourself in order to heal.

So this sounds like you made decisions when you were under the fog of trauma and now you are concerned for your standing in the community and your compassion to yourself is becoming more global.

Trauma cannot be healed without empathy and compassion for the self. So I really like how you are spilling all this even to those you do not know.

Good luck to you. You are as you stated becoming more conscious...another thing that also means you are no longer there but here now!

 

[somerandomguy]

I used to run in bodymod circles, which I now consider to be the most destructive of all places - populated almost exclusively with people full of extreme self-loathing. I hope that doesn't describe you.

They used to call people with facial, neck, or hand tattoos "losers for life." Harsh, and said with deep sarcasm, but descriptive at the time. Facial tattoos - yeah, people WILL judge you. Hand tattoos, not as much these days, I think, but facial tattoos are the final frontier.

 

[Abstract]

Hi bmh,
Personally I think the most important part is that you love your ink! That means you only need to work on the rest. You say you have become more self aware and conscious and in my experience there is so much I had to work through when that started happening for me. Like waking up. That can be painful in some ways but obviously is fabulous in others. Lasering them off is obviously not something you want. What does your therapist say when advising you how to deal with this? Is it partly about your self perception and aligning that with how others see you?

 

[Innordinate]

Truly their issue- not yours

 

[Friday]

I'm just having trouble recently becoming more aware and conscious,

Hypervig is a bitch

 

[intothelight]

Tattoos have traditionally carried negative connotation...gangs, bikers, white supremacist, prison, etc. and are perceived by many members of the public as "threatening". However that perception is changing as body art is becoming socially normalized. People may not understand the underlying reasons for having a tattoo, but hopefully they will not find them threatening.

Keep smiling, being outgoing and just being yourself. Those that matter will see "you" and appreciate your love of the art.