If It Sounds Like A Duck...

[fin]

If it sounds like a duck, looks like a duck....

I feel uneasy writing this...I am thinking, well actually I have this tiny little feeling burrowing away at me, that I am being handled or manipulated in some way.

And I am so not sure how to deal with it.

So what if it doesnt smell completely like a duck? But maybe it is somehow a duck...

I am not good at confrontation and in some way speaking to the "duck" would possibly feel like confrontation.

I was accused of not having a sense of humour by one "duck" and that took me two weeks to get up the nerve to try to talk to them about something I didnt think or feel was quite right....(and I soo know it wasnt a joke).

I know I have to start listening to my gut and trusting it at some point, the fear of repeating and repeating.

So my gut is telling me its a "duck" and I want to listern to my gut, what next?

 

[Luthien]

If you feel there's an issue, you need to listen to that feeling and discuss the issue.

Try not to be confrontational, but say your piece, and get your feelings out.

It's easier said than done, I know, so please don't feel I am making light.

I could tell from your post that you know you need to do something about it.

I am just reinforcing what you've already said.

Good luck.

 

[Grama-Herc]

I do not do confrontations very well ,myself! My mom taught me a trick. Write it down in a letter or note and pass to the appropriate person.

Begin the note with===I've never been good with words but I am able to express myself in writing. With that said, I -------------------------------------- .

I tryed it and it works. If the issue is with a forum person, pm them and get it over with. We all try to be funny and sometimes it comes across the wrong way!

Sogivethisa try. Good luck to you

 

[fin]

oh Luthien I get that, thankyou....
It feels so good to know that someone has maybe got my back...(in a kind of sub-space cyber thingy kind of way). the fact that you are emphasisng yes...thankyou...will give it a go...its scarey...all this..scarey.
thankyou
~fin

 

[fin]

Grama-Herc thankyou...I will try that-"writing it down" also for something the same thing different person.

Somebody asked me today why I said "do you get where Im coming from". Like they totally got where I was coming from and wondered why I had no confidence about being understood about what I was saying to them.

When I tried to answer I realised that in talking with my Psychologist I start spiralling and repeating myself ...its because she hasn't understood me. And I know from what she is saying to me that she hasn't understood me.

And I know this because she keeps asking me the same questions over and over.(and therapy hasnt even started yet-so this isnt about trauma's or anything).

When I asked her why she kept asking me the same question...she looked at me like she was stumped-clueless...like she hadnt realised she was doing it...and that worried me...in fact that might be the problem...I dont think she get's anything much that I say when I am discussing "triggers" or "flashbacks". Its like she just doesnt understand what these things are. And that is why I am worried about that problem..wWOW just the rest now...

Breakthrough....gee Grama-Herc... wasnt why I started this thread but ...shit an answer to another thingy!!!

Oh and this wasn't why I started the thread either but while Im here:

re this bit; "If the issue is with a forum person, pm them and get it over with. We all try to be funny and sometimes it comes across the wrong way!"

2 things here...1 is yes, maybe, I think so, perhaps. (now you know why I wonder if people get me...saying stuff like that doesnt help does it?)

AND the second is....I think there is a pretty good chance I may have offended someone with trying to be funny ha ha ..I thought they might have "got-me" but am not so sure now...and apologising well I think I may have made a complete hash out of that also.


I feel like such an ass...its been so long since I remember just relaxing and kicking back...shooting the breeze with someone and just laughing...(soooo nothing malacious)...just being there in the moment you know?

need t go getting all choked up and tearful sorry Brb

 

[A-RON]

Fin,

One of my "problems" is that I get hypersensitive about things, but I really don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. Manipulation is a tough thing to figure out (sometimes) because you never seem to know the truth. When I discovered that my best friend was actually a professional con artist, that I didn't even know his real name (for six years), that he molested me when I was half asleep (despite me being straight and otherwise a virgin, and despite his insistance that I not lose my virginity to my girlfriend due to my religious beliefs), that he put spycams in my bathroom and filmed and took pictures of me, and then threatened to do a whole bunch of horrible things if I continued to try and find him and get him thrown in jail, it really threw everything into a spin. I was already a huge analyzer and "over-thinker", but it made me have to completely rethink my entire understanding of trust. I still don't know if I've defined it. This person completely ruined my life, and this person spent six years building my trust.

For me, though, I've learned to address every little thing that bothers me to people. They might think I'm overreacting, but they will know my boundaries. If you keep people on their toes, it doesn't matter if you trust them or not. And by golly, I just realized one of my coping skills, but I don't know if it's actually a good thing.

I would say start small. If something someone said bothered you, tell them in a sentence and wait for their response. You should be able to get clarification by judging the way they try to explain themselves.

Hope this helps.

Aaron

 

[fin]

hey A-Ron thankyou...for me yeah its about trusting myself to make the right decision though with the clarification...you know?

And I know that fundamentally I'm not someone that wants "to keep people on their toes -keeping people guessing" (as you have written above)that just isnt' me, not knocking anyone for being able to do that if they want. I just dont agree with it...I couldnt be like that.

And maybe thats my shortcoming I dont know...I am an open person, well I was...

I just know Im just not that sort of person, its not in my make-up- maybe it should be....maybe thats why all the problems I dont know. I just dont want people to be afraid of me and I think that having people around me that were "always on their toes", well I think that would perhaps make people afraid of who I am-me. I just dont think I can be that person. But kudos if its works for you. -(And that wasnt meant to sound sarcastic or anything, it really wasn't)...

We all have issues even people non PTSDed, and life is hard enough...I just want to recognise the bad before the bad gets me. You know?
Not play around with other peoples fears....

I believe we all ...no matter how good or bad. Even the bad are afraid of something...I dont want the bad being afraid of me...I just want to be able to recognise and be able to keep them away from me.



Life is I think too short- I want to live it, and the people around me...I want to live it with them ...all that stuff, friendship, all that....fuzzy stuff...I cant have that if my friends are always having to second guess me. Well I dont believe I can...maybe mystery.... but not fearfullness. I couldn't do that

peace
~fin

 

[A-RON]

Gotta clarify something...

When I say "keeping people on their toes", I don't mean keeping them "guessing". On the contrary, I want to cut all the crap and guessing and figure out what this means and what that means. What I mean by keeping people on their toes is demanding honesty in every last detail. I mean being assertive and upfront and honest about every single thing. Someone told me once that if you're always honest, you never have to remember a thing. Unfortunately, my abuser/exploiter had a brilliant memory. So all I'm saying is that I've become aggressive and controlling over the last couple years, and that I demand complete predictability from people, but I really don't know if this is the answer.

 

[fin]

IMPORTANT PLEASE READ BUT ONLY IF YOU WANT TO OK....not a rant but might be taken for one.

This thread at no time refers to anyone on this forum at all, It really really doesn't.

I hope that I have made friends here.

I am in no way shape or form out to make anyone feel bad.

I am in no way shape or form having digs at anyone.

I feel that I have found somewhere I can ask questions about stuff and thats what I do. And offer support where I can as I have been supported quite beautifully by others here.

When I say I havent been able to read all of someones diary it isnt because Im not interested. its because I am triggered also or because it breaks my heart. I often Do read diarys though and I may comment to someone elses post because the post may be all I can comment on.

When I say I will be here I am. (I havent missed being here when I said I would be so far, and I want to put in a disclaimer here because I may not always be able). But outside of the ordinary I will be if I say I will.

I dont always PM because unless someone wants the conversation private I can read the wall thing between the user profiles easier and QUICKER. The PM system fills up quicker too BUT if you want to pm me...thats cool.

I dont always post to someones thread.... purely because I just dont know what to say OR because someone else has said it already (although I do tend to agree or whatever...)

I am an open book pretty much and there have been people that have said I come across as honest....
I AM NOT A LIAR, I see no point in lying...none at all. It gives a false impression of who I am and doesnt benefit me or anyone else.

LIFE is tooo short, I am trying like everyone to move forward.

I am not trying for the most POST'S ever.

I am not trying to make my health service look bad.

I am not nor have I ever ignored anyone.

IF I SAY I AM THINKING OF YOU I AM. And that wasnt meant to sound the way it did either.

WORDS fall out of my head sometimes and all the time,

I have trouble sometimes rememebering how to do stuff on here-due to sleep issues and concentration issues I have PTSD for crying outloud

I am soft and fluffy ....and I break easily too,

I believe in world peace...which doesnt mean I hate soldiers. I think they do a very brave and tough job and I think that anything like war or fighting or any conflict, well...I have no real understanding because I have never been to war or lived in a war torn country. And at the same time I understand the horror which people in an occupied country might feel. I wish the world were a better place....

please dont see it that because I believe in some things I am stupid or naieve. I just HOPE
and I want to hope

I CANT possibly cover all the bases here I really cant

I JUST WANT TO STOP THIS BECAUSE its going to upset more people not addressing this issue that I have UNWITTINGLY started

I think that people ARE HERO's real hero's. I THINK WE ARE ALL HERO'S HERE I think we are all at different places at different times.

I try to help only when I can and I may come across as gushing sometimes....but that is because I feel stuff. And I dont want to be afraid of saying that someones words touched me and uplifted me....and that doesnt mean I am chasing anyone. Or that I am trying to date anyone.

I am not deriding anyone and I hope that people believe me...I am just like everyone else here TRYING TO GET THROUGH THIS ALIVE and....welll I am running out of steam now

wITH THE EXCEPTION OF THIS WHICH i AM QUOTING;

"AND the second is....I think there is a pretty good chance I may have offended someone with trying to be funny ha ha ..I thought they might have "got-me" but am not so sure now...and apologising well I think I may have made a complete hash out of that also."

Which I wont name....I was joking around with someone and was worried that I may have offended them. and I am not naming them because i dont want stuff going up about that...they knew where I was coming from afterall, I was just worried that I had hurt some one, I just got worried they didn't get me. But they have said they did.

Nothing else in this thread was about anyone on this forum. NOTHING I PROMISE. please believe that.

please please please dont be offended by anything i have written in this post that may or may not sound ok...it isnt meant to sound harsh and it isnt meant to hurt anyone.

PLEASE DO NOT TAKE ANY OR THIS PERSONALLY EVEN IF YOU THINK IT APPLIES TO YOU... I AM COOL I JUST WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW I AM NOT OUT TO HURT ANYONE AND I AM NOT HURTING SOOOO PLEASE DONT RUMINATE ON THIS .....(and yes i cant believe I came out with ruminate either!)

 

[fin]

I have to just clarify one more thing the sense of humour thing in my first post of this thread refers to something I wrote about in the sense of humour poll which I took when I first came here (abiut something in the real world)I commented about this incident within the accompanying thread.

It in no way is related to the funny ha ha thing that I go on to later talk about in a later post later in this thread...

I dont understand how I could be so badly thought of ...that people here think that I am singeling anyone here out or anything...

and I dont think I speklt singeling right up there....sorry

 

[A-RON]

Hey Fin,

I think you've expressed yourself very well here. I don't think you have to worry about ANYONE not understanding what you've written. And I think it should be obvious to everyone that you're a very kind and supportive person. Your second-to-last post made me laugh, but in a completely sincere way.

 

[fin]

and please can this not go off-topic...too much. I struggle as it is to stay on track

Grama-Herc thankyou...I will try that-"writing it down"

Somebody asked me today why I said "do you get where Im coming from?". Like they totally got where I was coming from and wondered why I had no confidence about being understood about what I was saying to them.

When I tried to answer I realised that in talking with my Psychologist I start spiralling and repeating myself ...its because she hasn't understood me. And I know from what she is saying to me that she hasn't understood me.

So I am asking myself... Why does one person hear and the other doesnt?
What does one person hear that the other doesnt?
And... How am I not making myself understood?
How can I better this situation?

I have wondered about the baggage that the other person is coming with and what their frailties are...as even psychs. have those.
The one problem I start having with doing this is that I start compensating and making allowances...and get way to down the road of ;......"Their having bad day"..."its cut-backs"....and then go straight into....."I ramble"..."Im not open enough"...."Who could blame them"....."Its all my fault""......."there are others worse off than me"...."I have no right to expect".

And its not that I am into self pity mode I absolutely believe I have no right to expect anything more.

I think there is some missing bit in the middle...and unfortunately thats the bit (amongst others) that I need their help with.

It is like i have different "trains" of thought and they are running along together...
While....I know with my head that I am able to express myself...
..I come with baggage that I believe I am not worthy of being heard....
and in so doing I express in some way my unworthiness and.. *(somehow, someway)*
Bang I am there....I have somehow done this and they are no longer treating me as being worth anything. Something I am saying has to be instigating this effect in others.