Relationship If Your Sufferer Left You, It Might Not Be PTSD.

[becvan]

I really want, no need, to address this.

You are a partner of someone with PTSD. You know they are rather messed up, therapy or not. Everything is going fine, then Wham. They leave or symptoms get out of control and they leave.

News Flash!!! PTSD just might now ALWAYS be the cause. It is not the be all end all excuse for why someone left you. There could be a thousand other reasons:

• They are not ready for a relationship.
• They just know it is a bad match.
• They are not in love.
• They were there for the wrong reasons.
• They can't stand you.
• They can't stand themselves.
• Etc.

People with PTSD can even still love someone and NOT want to be with them!

People with PTSD are also PEOPLE. There could be many reasons why they don't want to be in that relationship any longer.

Please, PLEASE, stop using PTSD as an excuse for why your partner has left and start facing yourself. Breaking up hurts. We all experience it. Dragging out the break up and trying to force someone back just because they have a mental illness is really unhealthy.

Please take a good look at yourself, the partner and the reasons for leaving.

bec

 

[Nicolette]

Okay....from spending a lot of my time in the Carers' section I think Bec raises really valid points; some of which are similar comments to what I have made throughout various threads.

I cannot recall the amount of times a Carer has said that they love a Sufferer so much and they are so good together. They then go on to say the Sufferer has said they can't manage being in a relationship. It seems the second sentence doesn't get processed by the Carer.

I think some Carers are in love with being in love and can't see the woods for the trees.

When it comes to bluntness Bec has it to a fine art (meant in the nicest sense) and I wholly support what she has written and her approach in this instance as sometimes people need to be smacked out of their disillusionment.

Well pointed out Bec.

 

[Butigotup]

Just as important -- even if it was the PTSD, they still have a right to leave you. And you still have to figure out how to move on, or you'll hurt forever.

I think it's usually impossible to unpack the motives of another person completely. A decision to leave a relationship is incredibly complicated, no matter what mental health issues might be involved. So maybe it was the PTSD, and maybe it wasn't, and maybe it was both. They're probably not sure and you shouldn't be either.

In a sense, it doesn't matter. You can't say "I'm vetoing your decision to leave because I'm not ready for that."

 

[Lola]

Separating the PTSD from the person

I think this also leads to separating the PTSD from the person. Is the person doing this because of the PTSD or because of the person he/she is?

My BF had undiagnosed PTSD for as long as 10 years before we met (he was diagnosed shortly after we started going out). I do not know the person he was before.

When he is having an anxiety attack or needs to be by himself, I can understand and accept that because of the PTSD. But if he displays negative behaviour, such as lashing out, is it because of the PTSD, or is it because of the person he is? Or both? Or does it even matter? Is this a question that we should even ask ourselves or them?:dontknow:

 

[pegasus]

Fair enough, and I have realized this, I think it is easy to think he thinks that if he gets her to deal with the PTSD all will be right in the world. I don't see that at all, I felt I had an obligation to point out everything, if it works out she wants me in her life then surely it makes it better in some sense. However if she doesn't then I can accept that, I can accept it easier if know she really doesn't want me in her life despite the PTSD. Regardless I know if I have to move on, that I did everything possible, not just for th relationship but to put her in a position to help herself at a person. I know from the outside looking in it looks like we are getting kicked in the teeth over and over, and I'm sure you guys have experienced it yourself. In fact your post help many of us stop that trend faster I'm sure. So I actually prefer your bluntness, it is needed. Of course just just like we have to let our sufferer figure things out at their own pace, I guess we do too in some sense.

 

[Frankie]

Well said Becvan,

When my exbf left, I also blamed everything and put the excuse on his PTSD...wrongly so.......it took me a few months to realize that I couldn't think this way and I had to stop and accept that he had left and moved on....I said it before and I will say it again "there is a person behind the PTSD, he or she make their own choices and decisions".

And yes, Butigotup, PTSD or not, everyone has a right to make the decision to leave a relationship....for whatever reasons....and in the case of PTSD, not only the sufferer can leave but the carer also.

Frankie

 

[Nicolette]

When my exbf left, I also blamed everything and put the excuse on his PTSD

Good work Frankie...it is easy on the outside looking in but takes a lot of courage to look at your situation for what it really is. Well done!:thumbs-up

 

[Frankie]

I thought about this thread over and over again....and how I replied. I truly believe that it is not always PTSD that makes a relationship end and as becvan says "people with ptsd are people" and people's feelings do change.

However, in many cases, when a sufferer's PTSD becomes so uncontrolled that they don't see any other way out..... it is PTSD that makes them leave the relationship. And as time passes, they might think and come to realize that they don't want that relationship anymore.....so yes, in many cases they leave because of their PTSD....but stay away, not because of their PTSD but because of the choices and decisions they have made.

When they are so uncontrolled that they can't make sense of day or night...or stop taking meds, start spending money like they never did before, become angry, mean people (when they never were), go on a sexual frenzy, shut off completely from friends and family, etc.....become so confused that they do things they "normally" wouldn't do....yes, it is PTSD that is the cause.

A lot of this was my exbf's case...and yes, I definitely blamed PTSD for his behavior !

My exbf still contacts me every 3-4 months always and still saying he loves me and misses me, and thinks of me....but we are not in a relationship (ended 1 year ago)....so how can we say this is not a confused man..still suffering from an uncontrolled PTSD ? I am not saying PTSD is to blame here completely, but can you the sufferer truly understand how this makes the carer feel ?

We had a great relationship for 2 years, PTSD behavior was a minor issue....he controlled it very well....so how is it possible from one day to the next....him leaving, crying and saying he loved me, but still leaving .....and not blame it on PTSD ?

Yes, in is own way he has moved on and so have I :) and also true, he loves me but CAN'T or WON'T be with me....and this I have accepted.

I don't blame everything on his PTSD now, but more on the choices he has made.....but, I also have moved on....I am trying to build a life for myself and don't sit around the house moping, crying, waiting and hoping.

Yes, would be great if things were different, and people that love each other stay together, but they aren't and there is nothing anyone can do if one doesn't want the relationship anymore, for whatever reasons...and this is the same for someone having PTSD or not having it.

Nicollette, thank-you, yes, I was very bitter, hurt and frustrated the first months he left....and yes, I certainly did blame everything that happened on his PTSD... but I also truly know now that he made his decisions...and whether they were good or bad for him, for me...or for us...that is not the point anymore ! The point now is that we are not in a relationship, and I do see the situation for what it is :)

We have talked a lot since he left, on several occasions....his feelings for me haven't changed....he has had a rough year, very confused man....but he has done things that make me wonder how it would be if we were to ever be together again.....and this is something that I am now able to see more clearly.

Now, I would definitely be the one setting more boundaries, I would want our relationship to be a healthy "partnership" not as a sufferer and a carer....but as two adults prepared and willing to have a successful and loving relationship.

In any relationship, It takes two to make it work, in the case of PTSD, the sufferer has to be ready for a relationship and has to understand that he or she has to make the efforts too.....because we CAN'T blame everything on PTSD :)

Sorry if this is long, but I had to have my say :)

Frankie

 

[pegasus]

Wow Frankie your post is so perfect. My issue has been that hers has gone completely uncontrolled because she didn't know she had it,,,,I know now I have done everything I possibly could. I know what wasn't good in our relationship seperate from PTSD and I know what was PTSD and me not realizing and making things much worse. Now I know i have done everything up to this juncture, the next major step will be up to her. Whether she takes that step or includes me in it is up to her. I know I am starting to and will have to do things to continue to get to the point where you are. I know it may be a hard and slow road ahead at times. Everything about me wants her, but I know It's out of my hands and the only thing I can control is how I conduct myself and in the event she comes back knowing the boundaries in advance to make sure we have a healthy relationship, including couples counseling. Hope is not something I can just let go of.

 

[Frankie]

Hi pegasus,

Thank-you for comments.....Yes, it will be a long journey for you, no matter what the outcome. As you said, it is out of your hands now, it is her decision to make :)

If she does come back, you will now be better prepared to handle loving someone with ptsd. Don't forget, you will make mistakes along the way though, don't be too hard on yourself....we all made them :)

Frankie

 

[pegasus]

Thanks, she took some baby steps. Some of the most important steps we take in our lives are as babies.

 

[becvan]

Can Everyone please remember this thread is about PTSD not being the be all end all excuse to not end or sufferers ending relationships?

There are other more appropriate threads for this conversation being carried out.

bec