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IFS Core Self - Dissociating for Masturbation: Do Others Do This Too?

LeiaFlower

Confident
I was wondering if other people got really high to dissociate in order to masturbate. Because my core self doesn’t want to but my bad post in regression does
 
I also dissociate during sex and go into autopilot on what I’m “supposed” to do. Just mostly asking for advice on what I should target.
 
Is there a typo here?

This sounds like a trauma response. Have you done processing work with a T about your sexual traumas yet?
With one of my therapists I’m not allowed to talk about my sexual traumas due to it constantly activating Crisis. And I’m not for sure what I meant by the typo sentence.
 
With one of my therapists I’m not allowed to talk about my sexual traumas due to it constantly activating Crisis.
Got it. So, masturbating is something that people typically start doing really young, because it feels good, releases chemicals that feel good. It makes a lot of sense that its something you want to keep doing. Feel-good chemicals can get damn hard to come-by when you’re recovering from trauma.

On the flip side, it also makes sense that it makes you dissociate if you have sexual trauma in your past. I mean, I dissociate at the mere possibility of sex. Which isn’t great.

But, as coping strategies go, masturbating would be up there with vigorous exercise in my brain. Your brain may have attached shame to it for all sorts of reasons, but masturbating is as normal as sneezing. It’s worth talking to your T about maybe staying grounded, teaching your brain this is safe, normal, and actually really healthy (for a whole range of reasons).

Sex is different. There’s interpersonal dynamics involved. And consent is crazy important - and that’s the ability to continuously assess “is this what I want to do” throughout. There’s a big risk that you might be retraumatising yourself each time, simply because your brain isn’t ready for this yet. And that’s worth figuring out in therapy.

The thing about relationships is that they can survive an absence of sex. And other forms of intimacy can be a great way to reintroduce sexuality in a way that feels safe for you, and at a pace that feels safe for you.

This isn’t a you thing. This is very much a “consequences of sexual assault” thing, and a big part of recovery for lots of folks.

If you’re not at the point where you’re processing your trauma, then it may be worth really investing in making sure that you feel safe.
 
Got it. So, masturbating is something that people typically start doing really young, because it feels good, releases chemicals that feel good. It makes a lot of sense that its something you want to keep doing. Feel-good chemicals can get damn hard to come-by when you’re recovering from trauma.

On the flip side, it also makes sense that it makes you dissociate if you have sexual trauma in your past. I mean, I dissociate at the mere possibility of sex. Which isn’t great.

But, as coping strategies go, masturbating would be up there with vigorous exercise in my brain. Your brain may have attached shame to it for all sorts of reasons, but masturbating is as normal as sneezing. It’s worth talking to your T about maybe staying grounded, teaching your brain this is safe, normal, and actually really healthy (for a whole range of reasons).

Sex is different. There’s interpersonal dynamics involved. And consent is crazy important - and that’s the ability to continuously assess “is this what I want to do” throughout. There’s a big risk that you might be retraumatising yourself each time, simply because your brain isn’t ready for this yet. And that’s worth figuring out in therapy.

The thing about relationships is that they can survive an absence of sex. And other forms of intimacy can be a great way to reintroduce sexuality in a way that feels safe for you, and at a pace that feels safe for you.

This isn’t a you thing. This is very much a “consequences of sexual assault” thing, and a big part of recovery for lots of folks.

If you’re not at the point where you’re processing your trauma, then it may be worth really investing in making sure that you feel safe.
Thank you for giving me an outside perspective. I really like what you said about shame. I think it seems not only from sexual trauma but religious trauma. Sexuality has always been displayed in my life as bad and sinful. When the abuse was happening I thought my buddy was even more wrong and disgusting.

I’m currently starting a relationship and a big fear is sex. Due to not having self consent, saying no to things I don’t want to do is hard. I want to work on it and my dissociation but I just don’t understand where to start.

I do appreciating the advice to reframe my thinking.
 
Due to not having self consent, saying no to things I don’t want to do is hard.
Perhaps start with “not yet”, rather than No. And then have a conversation about other things that you would like. That changes the dynamics of the conversation completely, and has the potential to turn it into a relationship-building exercise:)
 
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